


What it means to be Human

by MsMarvelous



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. References, Anger, Brotherly Love, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Clint Is a Good Bro, Crying, Depression, Fear, Food Issues, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Healing, Hope, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Learning to be Human, Mental Instability, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Sam is a Saint, Shame, Steve Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:10:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 63,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10202930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMarvelous/pseuds/MsMarvelous
Summary: It has taken months for SHEILD to final apprehend the dangerous and unhinged Winter Soldier. Sick, confused and completely broken, The Asset turns to the only man who maybe able to help him heal, his former Handler Captain America. Steve will do whatever it takes to help his best friend recover and is lucky to have his team, The Avengers by his side. Set after CAWS and not A,AOU or CACW compliant.  Finished with regular updates.





	1. The Name You Chose

**Author's Note:**

> What It Means To Be Human
> 
> Authors note: I do not own these amazing charters but sometimes it feels like they own me!  
> I am dyslexic, meaning I use spell check but certain words might be wrong. Please don’t hate.  
> Also I like music and lyrics that go along with the feeling of my stories so If you are so inclined look up and listen to the songs I post at the beginning of chapters before you read. Just a suggestion.  
> There will be a lot of bro love, hugging and crying in this tale. Be warned!!!  
> God, there is gold hidden deep in the ground  
> God, there's a hangman that wants to come around 
> 
> How we rise when we're born  
> like the ravens in the corn  
> on their wings, on our knees  
> crawling careless from the sea 
> 
> God, give us love in the time that we have 
> 
> God, there are guns growing out of our bones  
> God, every road takes us farther from home 
> 
> All these men that you made  
> how we wither in the shade  
> of your trees, on your wings  
> we are carried to the sea 
> 
> God give us love in the time that we have  
> Iron and Wine “On Your Wings”

It had been 3:26 am when Steven Grant Rodgers got the phone call from one Natasha Romanova. The Winter Soldier had been found, brought in by SHEILD after almost 6 months of searching for the allusive ghost of Bucky Barnes. Fury and Hill had agents tracking his path of destruction throughout Europe as he decimated one secret Hydra base after another, leaving behind no witnesses or clues of where he was headed next. Steve and Sam had been on many of those missions, taking in the charred remains of underground bunkers and sifting through what little evidence remained. The Winter Soldier was deadly and efficient, leaving no Hydra agent alive, their corpses stacked neatly in a pile.  
Each site brought only more heart ache and pain as the Captain had to swallow down the grief and nausea that griped his stomach every time he laid eyes on yet another dismantled Maintenance chair and Cryo-tank. Reading the KGB files had been hard enough on Steve and left him shaking in a cold sweat more nights then not with Bucky’s name trapped in his throat. But to actually look upon the tortuous devices and see how his friend had completely smashed and torn them apart with such violence and rage only confirmed with graphic realness how much Bucky had suffered at the hands of Hydra. There was no question about the Soldier’s motivation, clearly making every effort to destroy his former captors and their sadistic methods of control. The realization that Bucky was fighting back against Hydra gave Steve hope but his friend’s continued evasion from the man who was desperate to help him was both exasperating and discouraging. Steve had other missions he had to take charge of with the Avengers and so resigned himself to bi-weekly updates from Fury or Hill regarding their progress towards locating his long, lost friend. 

The Captain had relocated to New York after the fall of the Helicarriers and with them SHEILD’s main base of operations. After much insistence from Stark he had moved into the Avenger’s tower, where he was on the fateful night when Natasha had given him the call and so less then an hour later he found himself in a Quinjet with Sam, Bruce and Tony heading toward Romania. The news of the Winter Soldier’s apprehension was not shocking but troubling as he reviewed the reports from SHEILD that had been sent over the last two months. The Winter Soldier had gotten sloppy, more erratic and less thorough, his rage escalating and his judgment less exact. Based on the evidence that was now more obvious and carelessly left behind, The Soldier had been looking for something, something only certain bases of operation had. After further analysis SHEILD had concluded that the Soldier’s purpose was to retrieve the nutritional supplements and drugs that his body had become dependent on and was deteriorating without.  
The most recent report had been sent only a few days earlier while Steve had been on a mission and had not had time to review the surveillance footage that was sent with it. SHEILD analysis suggested that the Soldier was injured or was otherwise compromised in a way that hindered his ability to function and the video verified exactly why. Steve had gripped his knees white knuckled as he leaned in watching the shaky and damaged tap, the sound and film fading in and out. With a critical eye he watched as The Winter Soldier, dressed in raged civilian cloths, held a Hydra scientist by his throat, metal arm clenching in a vice grip.  
“ Why can’t I ingest nutrition?.... Why am I malfunctioning?” His words were growled in harsh Russian, a low, menacing tone that shook with pain. The only answer from the Scientist was a choking gasp as he feebly pawed at the metal fist that had lifted him from the ground. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?” His voice cried out, broken and desperate. The Soldier shook on unsteady legs, holding his pray in an unyielding death grip.  
Steve grimaced at Bucky’s agonized cry that was almost a sob, sounding so like the confused and panicked Soldier he had fought on the Helicarrier all those many months ago. Jarvis translated for the Captain and the others who felt a mix of rage and deep compassion for the suffering vet.  
“You require maintenance,….. If you comply we will……”  
The Hydra doctor did not finish his bargain as the Winter Soldier screamed in fury and crushed the man’s throat before throwing his body at the maintenance chair and stumbling out of the camera frame.  
Steve felt him-self taking slow, deep breaths as Sam’s hand squeezed his shoulder and Bruce mumbled to Tony about the importance of a toxicology report to assess what methods Hydra had been using to “maintain” their Asset. With a nod and sigh. Tony asked Jarvis to play the next video feed from only a few hours ago when The Soldier was taken by SHEILD into custody.

The film was clearer then the last, showing a tense seen as heavily armed SHEILD agents surrounding the Soldier who was shaking in the corner of a lab, a needle in his metal hand trying to inject it into his flesh arm that was bruised and bleeding from continued clumsily attempts. His eyes had been dilated and unfocused, face covered in sweat and panting, making plaintive growls as the Shield team carefully closed in. There were dead Hydra agents everywhere and a Scientist that was still alive and choking on blood only a few feet away from the obviously unwell Soldier who was desperate to inject him-self rather than escape from SHEILD. 

Steve swallowed down his anxiety that twisted in his gut as he watched the surveillance video that Hill had sent them along with the report. The Captain sat ridged on the jet with his team mates, Sam’s hand firm on his shoulder as they watched the playback of events. Bucky was in a filthy undershirt and torn jeans twitching and shaking out of his skin like a heroin junkie in the corner of the lab, plunging the large needle into his arm as he made wet, gasping noises of distress, reminding Steve of how he sounded back when Asthma almost killed him. The Avengers watched in concern as a SHEILD agent attempted to speak to the distressed Soldier in Russian as they carefully closed distance, walking around the untouched Maintenance Chair that the Soldier had not yet destroyed. It was painfully obvious that while the Hydra assassin knew he was surrounded, he was unable to focus on the other occupants of the room as he desperately injected himself with a choked cry of agony that softened into gasping breaths of relief before he slumped in the corner, his violent shaking becoming tremors. He did not respond to the advancing agents but simply turned away, curling in on himself in the corner as he protected his head with his metal arm, ready for pain. The last image Steve watched was of the SHEILD agents restraining a disoriented and physically compromised Winter Soldier as they placed his arms in magnetic cuffs while he growled and struggled like a wild, injured beast caught in a snare, repeating a choked cry in Russian over and over before they finally sedated him. Tony had Jarvis translate and the meaning of the strangled cries were both heart breaking and hopeful.  
“I will not comply! I will not comply! I will not comply!”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The Quinjet had barley lowered the exit ramp as Steve jogged down it with his friends at his side. He was greeted by Natasha who nodded at them shortly, turning on her heal to walk at a brisk pace only a step ahead of the Captain.

“Where is he?...... Is he okay? I need to see him Nat!” Steve demanded in quick succession, giving her a pleading look. The Black Widow gave Steve a brief, assessing look before turning back toward the direction they were walking, hitting a series of codes that opened an elevator.

“He’s in the med- bay sedated. Fury has the Medical team running tests to see what the hell was in those injections. SHEILD recovered some files and a recent transmission from the previous base he was at 3 days ago……. Apparently Hydra caught on to what their Asset was after before we did.” She shrugged as they all stepped inside. “According to the Doctors here, Hydra kept the Soldier,…..”  
“He has a NAME Natasha!” Steve gritted out in tense frustration. The Widow looked at Steve with hesitation, the others sharing quiet acknowledgement that Steve’s connection to this man could prove to be a liability should the Soldier become violent or out of control. They had each discussed this among themselves and Marie Hill had officially debriefed them on the need for potential intervention should the Captain’s emotional connection to The Winter Soldier interfere with his own personal safety as well as others. They all knew Steve had dropped his Shield and refused to fight his friend, almost costing him his life. It was something Steve had admitted while still heavily medicated on the day he first opened his eyes in the Hospital all those months ago.  
Cautiously, Natasha continued with a calm, deliberate tone.  
“Hydra had Sargent Barnes on a liquid supplement diet and a pretty intense regiment of drugs to stabilize and control him. They numbed his nervous system so he wouldn’t react during missions to injury and kept his adrenaline racing but then brought him back down with Theorize all while using verbal triggers to jumpstart chemical reactions in his brain to induce different states of consciousness that allowed him to be easily handled.” The Widow let out a sigh with a sad nod of sympathy at Steve’s anguished expression as he whipped his face in grief. The Widow squeezed his hand before the elevator opened and they stepped out into the hall way. 

“Well that’s just Lovely! So basically they used drugs and neurological manipulation to program and condition him into obedience?” Stark shook his head, mask open on his suite. “Those Nazis! Always so thorough with their brainwashing.”

“Based on his reactions so far I would say fear conditioning was their primary technique in terms of behavioral reinforcement,…. Rewards are not really Hydra’s style.” Natasha quipped and the matter of fact way she said it made Steve feel sick. For one irrational and emotionally charged moment he wanted to turn on all of them and scream that they were talking about Bucky,… about HIS BUCKY! Not just some random Hydra pon. But to them, The Avengers and SHEILD alike, the man they had detained was The Winter Soldier not Bucky, just like to many of them he was most often thought of as Captain America, not Steve. The Super Soldier swallowed down his impulse to explode at his teammates as they turned yet another corridor when suddenly an alarm sounded and the hall turned green with flood lights.

“Uh oh.” Bruce looked around with large eyes as they all tensed, Stark’s mask sliding back in place.  
“Bucky.” Steve let out the name in a panicked whisper before racing forward, the others following as they called out to him, afraid for Steve’s well-being. The Captain rounded a corner sharp just as at the other end of the hall way Bucky crashed through some double doors, staggering unsteady and desperate to escape. His eyes were wild and panicked as he pushed away from the wall running despite his shaking legs. The distressed man wore only torn, filthy black boxer briefs that hug low on his hips, his muscular body having suffered from starvation. The Soldier’s hair was well past his shoulders, hanging in dirty clumps over his face that was twisted in pain. Steve was frozen in place for a moment, taking in the wretched sight of his best friend and the shock wave it sent through him. The moment was brief however as behind Bucky a troop of SHEILD agents appeared with tranquilizer guns locked and loaded. The Captain took three steps forward, holding up his hand toward the advancing agents just as the Avengers came up short behind him. The Soldier was trapped in the middle, staggering to a halt as he slumped against the wall shaking with growling gasps. A look of fierce determination masked his exhausted features as he struggled to stand up straight, head down and fists clenched.  
“Captain Rodgers, Stand down.” A Shield Agent spoke as he took a lead position, gun trained on Bucky.

“NO!.......Let me handle this! Everyone BACK OFF!.......NOW!” The Captain ordered, his voice clear and sharp, commanding with authority that stopped the Avengers and SHIELD Agents alike in their tracks as they watched with uncertainty, eyeing the lethal and volatile Assassin. The Soldier took in a sharp breath and slowly raised his head, crystal blue eyes peering up toward the Captain through a curtain of tangled hair. Steve took three more steps forward while slowly replacing his shield back behind him, hands raised and palms open. Bucky stayed still, unmoving except for the constant tremors that radiated through his body.

“Tony,…..the alarm!” The Captain ordered and with a huff Stark activated a sonic silencer that shut down the siren.

“Hope you know what your doing Cap!” Sam whispered under his breath just behind Steve who gave a small nod. He looked back at the Soldier who stood still in the center of the hall, glazed, dilated eyes struggling to stay focused on Steve as he panted, blinking to clear his distorted vision. The Soldier’s tense muscles were spasming slightly as he ignored the cramping pain that coursed through his exhausted body, determined to stay alert.

‘It’s okay,……. No one here is trying to hurt you,…… Your safe!” The Captain spoke in slow, patient words, measured and assessing. The Soldier lifted his head a fraction more as his breathing escalated slightly, eyes growing wide as he blinked rapidly in shock at the familiar man in front of him.

“It’s you!” The Soldier rasped out in English as a strong tremor raked through his body, eyes locking with Steve’s gaze, piercing and full of turmoil. There was recognition, confusion, anxiety, anger, fear and hope, all pouring out through crystal blue eyes that Steve could read without even trying.

“Do you know who I am?” The Captain asked with deliberate calmness, as he kept his hands up, visible taking yet another step forward and another, slowly closing distance towards the middle of the long corridor. The Soldier was breathing hard, wheezing with obvious pain as he took a tentative step forward, eyes studying Steve’s face and uniform with pensive concentration as he bit his chapped bottom lip. His fists clenched and he swallowed before he spoke, head lowered and shoulders hunched, gaze dropping to the floor in submission.

“Steven…….. Grant Rodgers…….., Code name:……… Captain America………. Former commanding officer…. of The Howling Commandos.” Bucky’s voice was hushed as for a moment his eyes darted toward the Avenger’s behind Steve and then over his shoulder toward the several SHEILD agents behind himself, aware that he was surrounded and obviously wary.  
“Yes,……. Your right,…….” Steve swallowed down the urge to run forward and grab his friend in a desperate hug, aware that despite knowing his name and rank, it did not mean that Bucky really remembered Steve or their many years of friendship. “And do you know who you are?” Steve’s voice was almost soft and gentle, reassuring and hopeful as he took another step and was now just out of arm’s reach of his trembling friend. He watched Bucky frown at the question and again bite his lip as he looked away and closed his eyes for the briefest moment, wincing in pain before letting out a quiet sigh, eyes down cast.

“I am the Asset,…… Hydra Code name: The Winter Soldier,………Commando Code Name: Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, referred to informally as…… Bucky?” The Soldier’s voice was hushed with uncertainty and trepidation, flinching in remembered pain as he said his own name, as if he knew it was forbidden and would result in punishment. Steve watched his oldest friend intently and felt a wave of heat rise with in him at the broken, fearful way Bucky spoke his own name. The Captain strained to control his emotions, knowing that to become visibly upset would likely reinforce Bucky’s negative association with his own identity.

The Captain took a deep breath and tried to keep his expression calm and voice reassuring.  
“Your name,…… the name your mother and father gave you, is James Buchannan Barnes,…….Then you joined the United States Army during the War, and became a Sargent……. But you liked to be called Bucky……. That’s the name you chose for yourself.” The Captain spoke with wet eyes over a tight lipid smile as he took another step forward and slowly brought his hand up toward his friend, swallowing thickly when Bucky flinched again at the lightest touch of his hand on the metal shoulder. Steve stood completely still with his arm outstretched, hand just barley touching the metal arm.  
The Soldier stood completely ridged and tense, breath catching at the contact. He looked down in puzzlement at the hand on his shoulder and then up at Steve, staring imploringly into the Captain’s open and honest expression. He was transfixed by the strangely familiar and yet frightenly confusing expression of love and concern that this man, this Captain directed toward him. The Soldier was use to being stared at and touched by Handlers, Hydra agents, Technicians and targets, but never with eyes that shown so brightly with a desire to help and not harm, with hands that were soft and carful. With a shuddered breath he took a step forward, body trembling with fatigue and illness, eyes lost and searching Steve’s, wanting so badly to understand even as the very urge to want sent a sharp pang of fear down his spine and his stomach clenched in anxiety.  
The Captain let out his own deep sigh of choked emotion, eyes drifting from Bucky’s intense stare to take in the battered and abused body of his best friend, pale torso and legs baring faint outlines of painful scars. The tension was building and the Soldier’s breathing escalated further as he clenched his fists and fought the urge to strike out and run. After only a moment longer a sudden violent shudder and choked gasp brought Bucky crumbling to the floor panting harder with growled whimpers. Steve reacted quickly, catching Bucky as the man’s legs gave out and the two sank to the ground on their knees, the Captain with a strong hand on each of Bucky’s biceps. Steve’s eyes looked over his unwell friend with deepening concern as he felt the hot feverish skin of Bucky’s right arm while the fingers of his other hand automatically came up to trace along the scared flesh of the left shoulder. The Captain swallowed back his grief as he gritted his teeth at the obvious pain and unspeakable suffering Hydra had caused his closest friend.

“Oh Bucky.” Steve’s voice was a broken whisper as the Soldier hung his head submissively and let out a small whimper. flinching at the feel of the caress on his scared shoulder. He was so tired of fighting, so tired of trying to make sense of the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that he could hardly understand. His mind felt like quicksand and the memory’s that he desperately tried to hold onto caused him tremendous migraines that hammered his fragmented mind both day and night. He was done, sick and tired and completely done. The Asset was ashamed of his weakness and terrified of the consequences but was resigned to his fate, prepared to accept whatever awaited him be it the Chair and Cryofreeze or first and more likely, punishment for his ongoing disobedience. He had been captured by SHEILD and SHEILD was Hydra, and Hydra was order through pain.  
However, there was one possibility, all through that seemed like a desperate hope he could hardly fathom. Perhaps the Captain, Captain America,…. Steve,…. would take him back. He knew him, more than he had ever known anyone and in a way that was so different from every other thing he knew. Steve’s presence was automatically calming and yet invoked a painful longing in his chest that he had no name for. He realized that it had been there all along but now, once more face to face with Steve, it felt so much stronger. It was as if the Captain was a magnet, pulling the Soldier in with such intense force that he could hardly keep himself from diving forward into the man’s chest and pressing himself against him.  
The Soldier let out another shuddered breath at the too gentle caress on his sensitive, scared shoulder and made himself think despite the fog of exhaustion and illness that was threatening to pull him under. If he submitted to this man, acknowledged him once more as his superior officer and Handler, then maybe he could avoid being decommissioned, and any punishment was bound to be shorter and less debilitating then his current physical and psychological agony.

“Captain,……” The Soldier’s voice was a timid, rasping breath as he slowly raised his eyes, peering up at Steve with hesitation and apprehension, bottom lip trembling. Steve brought his right hand up to cup Bucky’s face, eyes soft and wanting so much to heal his broken brother in arms. With a look of fragile hope, the Soldier pressed his dirt smeared cheek into Steve’s open palm, shuddering at the strange warmth and comfort that the sensation brought. He swallowed as he looked up at Steve, eyes not quiet on his face but in that direction. With desperate need, he spoke, his words delivered with a sigh of relief. "Ya gotov otvechat.” I am ready to Comply.


	2. Won't let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Bucky is a Hot Mess, the others are just trying to help and Steve is on full defense mode.

Captain America let out a heavy sigh as he shifted his now unconscious friend in his arms, moving to sit flat instead of kneeling as he gathered the Solider, turning him over so that he could look upon the man’s familiar but painfully worn features. Bucky’s eyes had fluttered shut and his body went limp within only a few seconds after he uttered his vow of compliance toward a man he believed was his former and now returned Handler, Captain Rodgers. There was no room for argument and no way around it, Bucky was leaving this facility with Steve and no one, not SHEILD nor the Avengers would stop him. Steve looked up as he heard them approaching, the heavy, authoritative steps of Director Fury and the brisk rhythm of Maria Hill with Natasha joining them soundlessly, every bit the Widow she was trained to be.. He looked each of them straight in the eye, jaw clenching in determination as he held his friend protectively in his arms. In a murmured whisper, The Captain looked back down and spoke a reassurance and promise to his vulnerable brother, knowing that he was going to have to speak on his behalf and unwilling to let anyone, friend or foe, take him away every again. “I’m with you Buck,…. Your safe now.”   
“Captain,…. We need to get him back to the medical bay and detain him for treatment and assessment.” Marie had spoken with a calm, rational voice as she waited for his reply. Steve had his head down, gaze fixed on the rasping figure collapsed in his arms but when he rose his eyes there was a menacing challenge in his stare that was almost frightening and definitely serious.

“I am taking him with me….. He is not going to spend another God damn minute locked up.” The Captain had gritted out in furious resentment. “Never again!” He spoke with a solemn shake of his head as he looked back down at Bucky’s unconscious form, his face half pressed against Steve’s chest, greasy brown locks plastered over his sweaty, flushed cheeks. He was filthy and Steve ideally wondered if he even knew how to care for himself, thinking back to the video of the Soldier asking the Hydra technician why he could not eat.  
“Cap,…… we are trying to help him. He needs to be evaluated by our medical staff and kept secure where he won’t pose a threat to himself or others!” Fury had reasoned with his own stern response. The look he got from Steve was positively lethal and the tension became thick in the close quarters. The sound of combat gloves tightening on triggers of Super Soldier Tranquilizer became the back ground noise to Steve’s Snort of resentment and Bucky’s wheezing breaths.  
“Steve,….” Natasha spoke softly as she knelt down in front of him to intervene, trying to offer a softer approach but even she was greeted by a weary, guarded look as the Captain pulled his friend in even tighter, as if afraid they would try and yank him from his arms. “We know how much you care about Barnes,…… And you know he needs medical attention.” She offered simply.  
“Of course he does! But I am not going to let SHEILD strap him down to a table in order to get it!..... He’s not a threat Natasha, he can barely stand!” Steve ground out.  
“Tell that to the injured Doctors and SHEILD agents he just ran through trying to escape!” Hill answered back coolly.  
“All the more reason he is coming with me!....... He said he is ready to comply!” Steve swallowed thickly, the words tasting bitter in his mouth. “He knows me, and I can use that to help him stay calm while he recovers.” Steve was not pleading his case but rather stating his decision.  
“Cap,….. where are you trying to take him?..... We don’t even know what they did to him and how he got this bad off.” Sam spoke with a calm, considerate tone as he walked into Steve’s vision on his left. Glancing from the Soldier to Steve and back with a shake of his head.  
“It doesn’t matter Sam,….. I will figure it out……… He can’t stay down here,……. Underground with all these people in combat gear and Lab coats,….. it’s too much like every damn Hydra base he has attacked over the past three months!....... How could he not get triggered into acting out violently?” Steve turned his eyes back toward Fury with a scowl. “And for all we know SHEILD might still have Hydra sleeper agents ready to get their hands on him……. I WON”T let that happen!” Steve looked back down at his friend with a remorseful expression. “I have failed him too many times,…… I wasn’t there the first time he was captured during the war and I never went back to look for him when he fell from the train trying to watch my back.” Steve’s voice was laced with guilt and heart ache as he shook his head in self-loathing. “He deserves so much better than this!” He whispered using one hand to wipe the strains from his friends fever hot forehead.

“Your right Steve,…. I will help him, however I can.” Bruce appeared on his right and had shrugged off his dress jacket and carefully draped it over the exposed figure that lay rasping in the Captains arms. Bruce crouched down and took out a medical scanner with a compassionate look, nodding at the Captain. The Doctor looked up at the other Avenger’s and SHEILD Agents with a calm, thoughtful expression.   
“I might not know what it’s like to be under the control of others, but I do know what it feels like to be out of control,….. and feared because of it.” Banner sighed as he looked up at Fury. “And I know damn well what it feels like to be afraid myself, terrified that I would be locked away for crimes I had no choice in making,……. Disaster I was responsible for, but had no agency or power to stop.” Bruce sighed and turned toward a contemplative Ironman with a nod. “Steve’s right on this one Tony,….. He need’s a safe place to recover that isn’t a maximum-security facility.” Banner stated as a matter of fact.  
Now Sam sighed and nodded, agreeing with the Doctor as the former VA counselor conceded Steve’s point.  
“This man has been completely de-humanized and conditioned to feel like he’s only a weapon, a machine that requires maintenance.” Sam shrugged as he looked from Ironman down to the Soldier and up at Fury and Agent Hill. “The only way we are gonna be able to recover Sargent Barnes is if we break through the Winter Soldier’s programing. And in order to do that he need’s residential care, somewhere that allows him to explore freedom and choice and will trigger memories related to his life before Hydra.” Sam rubbed the back of his neck and looked back at Tony who was completely silent, eyes gazing down at the face of the Man who most likely killed his parents. There was a tense stretch of silence before Steve finally looked up at Stark with a look that was full of guilt and sincerity but also unwavering loyalty. Tony met the Captain’s eyes and he shook his head with a long emotional sigh. And turned away.  
“I wont ask you Tony….” Steve began but he was cut off by a harsh laugh that held no joy.  
“Damn you Rodgers, you don’t have to,…… You already know my answer but,……. Just…….aggghhhhh!” Ironman gritted as he turned away and sighed heavily. Natasha had risen wordlessly and was there at his side with a hand on his back, face showing her genuine empathy for his loss and the anger he had to swallow in order to offer aid to the man who was likely the cause of his parent’s untimely deaths.  
“I’m sorry Tony,……. And If you knew him,…..” Steve’s voice had changed from fierce determination, to quiet but resolute. “If you knew Bucky Barnes,……. The way your father had known him,……. I know you would understand.” Steve spoke quietly, without accusation or arrogance or even defiance, but simply and humbly truthful. Tony turned back around and looked Steve in the eyes, the two men locked in their gaze until finally the man behind ironman swallowed and looked away, blinking with wet eyes as he shifted and threw his hands in the air.

“Oh for God’s sake fine!....... We can bring him back to the tower.” Tony spoke with frustration as he continued to avoid eye contact rubbing his temples and eyes closed. After another moment he looked directly at Steve with a humorless smirk as he continued. “But he needs to remain on a restricted floor unless accompanied by you Spangles……. I can’t have him flipping his switch and getting all Hydra Assassin on us or Pepper will kill me!” Tony grumbled reluctantly.  
“Mr. Stark, are you telling me that the Avenger’s backed by Stark Industries clam full responsibility for this man and whatever disturbances or crimes he may perpetrate in the future?” Marie Hill question in slight disbelief. Ironman looked at the SHEILD Agent and then at Director Fury.  
“What I am saying, is that I am willing to back up my team mate’s decision to put his neck on the line for a man he believes is worth keeping safe and away from SHEILD or any other organization with questionable motives.” Stark quipped as he looked at Banner with a small smirk and sad eyes. “I have provided Sanctuary to Dr. Banner for that very reason……. And if he has chosen to take on a new patient that just so happens to also be the BFF of Captain America….. well then Fuck,……. I guess we will just add more funds to the legal liability team and bring in one more super badass to our band of misfit heroes.” Tony tried to sound flippant and casual, but his voice was strained and his eyes were tight. Next to him Natasha stood with arms crossed and eyebrow arched. She studied his expression then let out a patient and thoughtful breath.  
“I will keep an eye on the situation Director.” The Widow confirmed with a nod then looked at Agent Hill. “I will recruit Agent Barton for surveillance and security detail,……. And we will ensure there is no risk to civilians or the Avengers.” Natasha waited for Furry’s acknowledgement as the Director exchanged a look with Hill, both SHEILD operatives displeased with the proposal. The Director looked back at Natasha and then at each Avenger with a shake of his head.  
“And what happens if his programing is triggered and he attacks you when your guard is down?.......Or he gets ahold of Stark Technology and returns to Hydra?.... Who is prepared to take him down if there is no other option left?” Fury demanded. Steve’s eyes grew and his breath caught in his throat before he shook his head about to voice his protest when he heard Natasha’s calm, assertive answer.  
“We can install a fail safe,…….a non-lethal paralyzing agent that can be activated and released into his blood stream.” Her answer was precise and she glanced quickly at Steve who looked at her with shock and then dismay.  
“How?” Hill demanded, intrigued by the idea. The Widow looked over at Bruce and then Tony expectantly, both men caught off guard as they stared at her and then looked at one another. After a brief moment of hesitation the Doctor spoke up, looking distractedly from the Widow to Hill and then back again.  
“We …..we have a formula,…. One that we’ve been working on for the Hulk,….. we can adjust it for effectiveness with Sargent Barnes’ Biochemistry.” Banner offered tentatively, slightly taken aback by the very fact that Natasha knew that he and Tony had been working on it. Secrets never lasted long when The Black Widow was nearby.

“How will it be deployed?” The Director asked with reservation. The Captain looked around at each of them with a heated flush of anger, ready to interject his disdain for the idea but Sam placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder with a silent look and nod that indicated he needed to regulate his emotions and remain calm in order to keep control of the situation and ensure the outcome he wanted.  
“Well,……. I suppose we could Implant a valve in the seem of his shoulder where the flesh meets metal…… It would inject directly into his central nervous system and shut down his motor reflects almost immediately leaving him unable to move.” Stark surmised thoughtfully, not at all opposed to the idea and actually feeling more comfortable with a sense of control over the unpredictable Hydra Assassin.  
“This is wrong!” Steve gritted as he shot Stark a resentful glare.  
“This is not open for negotiation Cap,….. This is an absolute requirement if we are going to relinquish custody of the Winter Soldier to You and the Avenger’s” Fury stated directly and with a note of steel enforcement.  
“It’s a way to make sure we are all safe Steve,…… We know you want to keep Bucky from getting hurt, and you need to remember that not all of us are able to take a Super Soldier punch like you can.” Sam interjected before Steve could refuse. The Captain looked up at the Falcon with a mournful look as he shook his head.  
“We will be no better than Hydra,……Controlling him using drugs,…….Paralyzing him the moment he gets angry or lashes out,……… It’s wrong Sam,…… how will he ever trust us?” Steve’s voice was strained with emotion as he argued against further violation of his friend’s body.  
“We will help him learn to channel his anger and fear and express it in ways that don’t result in injury or damage……. And if he can’t control himself he is going to need us to help him until he can……… It’s a better option then the alternative Cap.” Sam explained, as he too knelt down looking at the unconscious Soldier then up at Steve who’s eyes show bright with anguish and a desperate need to protect his injured and defenseless friend.   
“There,….. there has to be another way,……we can’t,….. I can’t…..” Steve trailed off as he looked down at Bucky with heart ache and grief.  
“This is only for right now Rodgers,……. Not forever,……. Just until Barnes can learn to be in control of himself again…… Until then he needs you,…… and you need us,…… and we can’t defend ourselves against him without the use of potentially lethal force unless we can stop him before he can get violent…… It’s the best thing we can do for him, and for us.” Natasha spoke gently as she joined Sam and Bruce on the floor kneeling around the two Super Soldiers, offering compassionate and empathetic reasoning. Steve looked at her and then at each of his friends before finally letting out a stifled and uneasy breath, nodding his reluctant acceptance.  
“As long as it’s only a temporary measure,…. And wont cause him any pain.” The Captain sighed as he once more stroked the knotted and tangled strains from his friends burning forehead.  
“Alright Cap,…… We have ourselves an agreement,…. Don’t let me regret this!” Fury warned, his tone less then certain and gaze scrutinizing. Steve did not answer but simply nodded, eyes remaining focused on Bucky as the Soldier shuddered in his sleep, twitching and grimacing as a groan escaped through champed lips, pledged by pain and suffering even in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Stay Tuned Folks!


	3. Just Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Short Chapter, next one is twice as long!

By the time the Quinjet had landed back at the Avenger’s tower, Dr. Banner had a complete analysis of the Soldier’s physical ailments and had been working with Jarvis to determine what course of action to take. He had explained to the others after reviewing the transmission sent between Hydra bases, that The Winter Soldier had become dependent on the complex drug regime and nutritional supplements that Hydra had sustained him on for decades. It was discovered that his motives in destroying Hydra Bases was not just to seek revenge but also to prolong his survival as he became sick with malnutrition and withdrawal when not able to feed himself normally. Once Hydra had recognized what the Soldier was after they had begun adding a poisons cocktail to the injections that would sooth the withdrawal symptoms initially but then further wreak havoc on his already weakening biology. They had also added a toxic agent to the nutritional supplements that made him unable to retain any substance and left him dehydrated. After only a few months it had brought the Soldier to dire straits which would lead to either his capture and detainment or his death. Hydra had not counted on a third-party intervention and was ultimately prepared to cut their losses with their willfully disobedient Asset.  
“Jarvis and I have worked out a formula that will subdue but not completely eliminate the withdrawal symptoms during detox while aiding his enhanced heeling to repair the damage done by the drugs Hydra has been giving him. In terms of nutrition,…… His stomach has been shuriken and further damaged by the toxin’s which will only make the likely hood of refeeding syndrome even more probable. I recommend we begin him on a very careful liquid diet, an ingestible milk substitute that is high in calcium, Thiamine and Vitamin B. After a few days we will begin adding more vitamins and minerals and then some fatty acids.” Bruce paused with a heavy sigh as he looked at Steve then at the others. “The process of ingesting even basic nutritional compounds will be painful for at least the first few days and we might have to force him to keep it down.” Bruce swallowed as he looked at Steve with an apologetic shrug. The others all watched as Steve let out a deep sigh standing over his unconscious friend who was strapped down to a medical transport table in the Quinjet.  
“So not only are we going to paralyze him anytime he gets upset, but we are also going to be force feeding him while he goes through withdrawal……. God,…. What will he think of us.” Steve’s voice was discouraged and choked in emotion. Natasha stood next to him with a hand on his back.  
“Honestly, even if we explain to him why he is in pain and how we are trying to help him, his previous conditioning will have him drawling the conclusion that he is being punished for insubordinance……. But he is strong and so are you,…… Together you’ll get through this Rogers and we will be there to help in anyway we can.” Natasha offered comfort as well as reality, never one to shy away from the hard truth.  
“I don’t even know what he remembers of himself, or me,….. of life before Hydra.” Steve swallowed with a grief-stricken expression.  
“Judging by these cat scans, his brain activity is rapid and not connected in some areas and partially in others. The read outs indicate that the neurological connections are in fact healing, or at least were until he began ingesting the poison that seemed to deteriorate some of the normal patterns of cognition.” Bruce was studying the large 3-Dementional brain diagram as Stark zoomed in on different areas with intense focus and consideration.  
“If I had to guess I would say the very act of accessing long-term memories is fairly painful for our dear Sargent Barnes and probably leads to confusion and disorientation, possibly even hallucinations.” Stark sighed as he whipped his face. “God what a freaking mess!...... His nural mapping looks like swiss cheese with landmines of programming waiting to be triggered.” Stark shook his head as he stroked his goatee. “We are going to need an up close look at one of those Maintenance chairs,….. I can’t even imagine how they targeted specific areas of his brain like this,….. its horrifically impressive.” Tony muttered and Steve shot him a side glare.

“Do you think Fury would let us examine the chair from the last base he was in?” Sam asked to the gathered Avengers.

“I’ll make the call,….. I’m sure he will hand it over with some explanation.” Natisha mused.  
“Lets just make sure Bucky doesn’t see it,…… He is already going to assume we will be treating him as an Asset,…. I don’t want him to think he will ever end up back in that chair.” Steve sighed as the others nodded in agreement.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
The Winter Soldier opened his eyes slowly and blinked to clear his distorted vision. He felt sick and weak, his body aching all over and his throat dry, sensations he usually associated with punishment from Hydra. He must have failed his mission objectives, he couldn’t remember, that was not unusual. The Asset stifled a groan as he rolled his head to assess his current situation. He was not on the floor of a cell, or strapped to a table. His brow crinkled in confusion as he looked down at himself and realized he was in a soft bed with pillows and a sheet over his sweat soaked body that was still filthy. In his right arm was an IV hooked up to a bag and a monitoring system connected to small pads on his chest. As his breathing and heart rate increased the machine beeped and the Soldier jerked his head to the side as he caught movement from the corner of the room. He winced as the suddenness made his vision swim and his head pound while his stomach cramped with nausea.  
Dr. Banner looked over at his patient when he heard the monitoring equipment begin to alter it’s previously steady rhythm. He tried to put on his least nervous and most calming smile as he held his hands up and open taking a few small steps in his patient’s direction.  
“Jarvis, let the Captain know Bucky is awake please.”  
“Yes Sir, he has been informed.” Bucky’s head jerked again at the sound of the automated voice and his breathing became slightly panicked, eyes looking everywhere then back to the approaching figure that he could hardly see, his vision blurred and eyes dilated.  
“Sargent Barnes,…… It’s alright,…. No need to get anxious,…… I am not going to hurt you,….. this is not Hydra,….. you are with the Avenger’s, under protection of Captain Steven Grant Rodgers…… Do you understand?” Banner’s tone was direct and calm just as Sam had encouraged them all to act when dealing with the confused and dangerous Asset. Natasha had also explained that he would have difficulty asking questions even when given permission to speak and so providing him with explanations and information was important.  
“I comprehend.” The Soldier rasped out then gave a single nod followed by a grimace as he squeezed his eyes shut and his right hand clenched the sheets. Bruce watched the look of pain grip his patient and the Doctor walked closer with a worried expression. Before he could ask his question, Steve came through the doorway with Sam and Natasha on his heels looking like they had been running after him and telling him to slow down and enter calmly. The Soldier opened his eyes again, panting in pain as he struggled to focus on the new arrivals, feeling uneasy with his vulnerability and the overwhelming fear that it had invoked. The Asset was not use to experiencing emotions so strongly, the injections and wipes usually able to keep him numb and blank when confronted by stressful stimuli. Even when facing the Chair, cryo-freez or repairs, the Soldier knew without remembering per say that he had been outwardly complacent and inwardly resigned to his inevitable fate. Punishment had always been a deterrent from error but was accepted as part of the course and he was normally able to keep from flinching unless the pain escalated to an extreme level of discomfort. Now the Soldier found himself griped in emotional turmoil that was oppressive and almost unmanageable.  
Steve let out a slow breath as he took steady steps toward Bucky with a fretful expression as he watched the other man wince and shake as he struggled to focus through shallow breathing.  
“Easy Buck,……. Just breath slow,…… Your safe now.” Steve said with a thick voice as he swallowed down his heartache. Bucky took in a sudden sharp breath at the the sound of the Captain’s voice as his face came into focus, looming only a few feet away.  
Just Breath Steve,….. Common, in and out pal.  
The words ran through his mind in a voice that sounded vaguely like his own but younger with a strong Brooklyn accent. An image flashed briefly in his mind’s eye, fast and sharp and he let out a small grunt of pain, eyes squeezing shut again as he tried to hold on to the memory fragment. 

A young blond boy with bloody knuckles and a determined expression, gasping for air defiantly wile glaring straight ahead, eyes wet and red brimmed as he was rubbed on the back by…….his……friend?...... Bucky?......Bucky?....... Bucky!

“Bucky!?” Steve’s voice was soft but urgent all the same as he stood next to his friend’s right side, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. The Soldier’s eyes blinked open and he let out a choked breath and then spoke, eyes confused and delirious with fever, searching the Captain’s familiar face desperately.

“Breath Stevie,…… Ya just gotta breath Pal!” The Asset stammered between his own wheezy rasps as he twitched and trembled from the pain of detox. The Capitan choked on his own breath, jaw dropping as he blinked in surprise at the familiar words spoken in an accent he had missed more than he had realized.  
“Bucky!” Steve breathed out in astonishment and joy, mouth spreading to a grin and eyes growing wet. The Soldier was still breathing with labored effort, blinking up at the Captain but as he saw the look of hope and relief shining bright in Steve’s eyes and the smile on his face, the oppressive fear and dread was slightly dissipated and the feeling of security and comfort, so new to the Asset once more settled in his chest.  
“Captain.” The Soldier acknowledged and then in an act of impulse that was completely against his programed response to a Handler, the man who was once Bucky pulled the Captain’s hand that was holding his own toward his stubbled cheek and held it there. His crystal blue eyes begged for the comforting touch but there was uncertainty and apprehension, not sure if what he had just done was to be permitted or punished.  
The suddenness of the movement and the questioning, desperate look in the Soldier’s eyes was almost too much for the Captain who was struggling to maintain his composure. His smile became tight, eyes stinging with unshed tears as he let out a controlled breath and nodded his consent to his abused and ill friend. Steve opened his palm and pressed it softly to the side of Bucky’s face just as he had done in the SHEILD base a few hours before, and with the same need to protect that he had felt all those years ago when he had first found his friend strapped to a table in that Hydra weapons facility. Bucky placed his hand over the Captains and pressed it firmer as he let out a shuddered breath, his eyes becoming half massed in fatigue and the intoxicating sensation of warm, non-painful touch. The Soldier let out a few deeper breaths, his chest becoming less tight and breathing even.  
“Everything is going to be alright now Buck,……I will be with you,………” Steve paused to take a breath, feeling the intensity of his own emotions constrict his speech.  
“…Till the end of the line?” The Soldier asked softly, stating the words he knew belonged but still not sure of the context or why they resonated so deeply. His eyes were longing for reassurance, pensive as his lip trembled in a pout, hand still pressing Steve’s open palm to the side of his face. The Captain let out a breath of dumbfounded amazement, smile real and genuine as he nodded enthusiastically, before looking over his shoulder with wet eyes at Natasha and Sam who offered small smiles back before looking at one another uncertain. Steve turned back toward Bucky and sighed with grateful relief.  
“Yea Buck,… Till the end of the line!” The Captain promised with a bright smile and an earnest promise.


	4. Wash away your Troubles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Steve is a good Handler, The Soldier might not be ready for active duty but he will do his best to comply.

Bath time was needed immediately, and Steve had insisted that he be the one to help Bucky get cleaned up, feeling a desperate need to protect his friend’s dignity, aware that Bucky, or at least who Bucky once was would not want to be exposed or weak in front of Strangers. Steve was adamant about this after he remembered an incident during high school where Bucky was the unfortunate recipient of a baseball right to his groin during Gym Class. Bucky had doubled over on the field gasping as everyone had crowded around him, some even laughing. Steve had been up in the bleachers sketching his best friend when the accident happened and Steve dropped the book and ran toward him, fighting to get through the circle of onlooking classmates. Even in all that pain Bucky had been able to crack open his eyes and see Steve amongst the multiple faces and uttered through gritted teeth, “Get me outta here Stevie!”   
Without a moment’s hesitation Steve had used all his strength to help his friend up, wrapping the taller boy’s arm around his scrawny shoulders as he dragged him to his feet, limping away from their classmates. The Couch had insisted Bucky go to the school Nurse but he refused and pleaded to go home with Steve and let Sarah Rodger’s, a trained Nurse look after him. Despite the protest of the Coach and then the Principal, Bucky’s look of humiliation, pain and distress over the whole ordeal fueled Steve’s adamant declaration that he was walking his friend back to his home that very moment and was not taking no for an answer.  
Now, all these decades later Steve was once more carrying his friend away from the eyes of others and toward a large shared bathroom that connected two private rooms of a suite in Avenger’s tower. Steve glanced at his friend with deep concern as The Soldier struggled to walk on stumbling legs, head down, and matted hair covering his face. He was panting again and the effort was obviously painful, his body shaking almost out of his skin.

“Almost there Buck,….. I know your in pain but I promise, the bath is going to feel so good,….. We’ll get you clean and then help you feel better!” Steve rambled, trying to reassure him as he steered his friend through the apartment door way and toward the bathroom, having to pause and hold him steady twice more as Bucky’s legs gave out, gasping and sweating as he moaned in pain.  
“I am malfunctioning,…. Captain,……I require maintenance,……… I am ready to comply!” The Soldier’s voice was a shuddered whisper, a confession of weakness that kept his gaze lowered and head bowed in submission.  
“Yea,…. I know Buck,….. I know.” Steve sighed, swallowing the lump in his throat as he half carried Bucky into the bathroom and placed him on the toilet seat. He kneeled down and stroked the tangles of hair, hoping to catch his friend’s eye but the Soldier’s head remained down, shoulders shaking and breaths snorted through his nostrils, jaw clenched against the cramping pain. Steve looked away taking a calming breath before turning toward the tub and stopping it up with the facet turned on hot. The Captain grabbed a large container of epson salt and began pouring it into the tub. He looked back at Bucky who’s eyes had glanced toward the box then quickly away with a flinch as if he had disobeyed an order simply by looking. Steve calmly crouched back down and held the box out, gently grabbing Bucky’s hand and placing the box in it.  
“It’s called Epson salt and it helps relieve sore muscles and aches….. It’s okay to look at whatever you want,…. You have a right to know what is going on Buck,….. I promise,….. there will be no punishment here.” Steve tried to sound convincing and used his steady Captain’s voice hoping the authority would reassure his friend.  
The Asset looked pensively at the box, brow knitted as he tried to read the label and ingredients, eyes still dilated and vision unfocused. He heard the words his Handler spoke but he was unable to process their meaning, only that he was permitted to learn and understand the procedures that were necessary for his cleaning process. The Soldier bit the corner of his lip, contemplating if he should report the malfunction of his vision and his inability to comprehend the words on the box. He peered up at Steve for a moment with a pout and then back down before speaking with a quiet, flat voice.  
“Eye sight compromised, unable to process and retain the written information.” The Soldier remained very still while inside his heart hammered with anxiety, wondering how long before his new, and former Handler would grow impatient with his dysfunction. Steve frowned slightly and took the box back, setting it down and then stroked the side of Bucky’s face again softly receiving only the slightest flinch in response. After another moment of the gentle caress he could see the tension ease from the Soldier’s shoulders, the shaking resuming. Steve realized that for now, the Soldier was too sick and disoriented to fully understand who Steve was and how he would be treated differently than with Hydra. The Captain understood that his words might not register with the former Asset but that his friend was extremely responsive to touch and that perhaps offering comfort through sensory input would help communicate what words could not.  
With that thought in mind Steve stood and located a bottle of bath oil with eucalyptus and lilac extracts. Steve opened the bottle and smelled it with a smile then lowered the bottle toward Bucky’s hidden face.  
“What do you think of this smell Buck?” Steve asked softly, putting his own feelings aside and focusing on how best to communicate with and encourage the Hydra programed Soldier to express himself without fear of negative consequences. The Asset looked up again at Steve with a disconcerted expression and then leaned forward slightly to smell the open bottle. His expression shifted in slight surprise and he tilted his head to the side.  
“The scent detected is floral.” The Soldier responded mechanically then darted his eyes back up toward Steve, attempting to read his Handler’s expression to see if his answer was adequate. Steve smiled and nodded, pausing as he considered asking Bucky if he liked it but then deciding not to push his recovering friend too far too fast, aware that to express preference was going to take some time and explanation as well as a lot of trust building. Steve turned back toward the tub and poured in a large amount before turning it off. He turned on the jacuzzi jets that made an almost silent whirl, water bubbling.  
“Okay Buck,……You need to remove your briefs and then lay down in the water. Do you need assistance?” The Captain again spoke with a calm and direct manner, finding it easier then he thought he would to step into the role of Handler. Despite his initial reluctance, Sam had made the point that he needed to help the Winter Soldier recover and feel safe before he could expect him to begin remembering how to act and respond more like Bucky. what the Soldier needed right now was a Handler to take care of him and give him permission to be confused and dysfunctional, to provide orders and instruction and help recondition him so that he no longer expected pain or cruelty as standard protocol. As long as The Winter Soldier was still operating in survival mode he would continue to function as the Asset. Once he felt safe and understood that he was not going to be expected to behave as a mindless weapon, hopeful his true nature, personality and memories would begin to break through.  
The Soldier was not sure how steady he was on his feet but he wanted to obey, needed to follow instruction despite his uncertainty. He shook his head once and swallowed down the nausea and then stood up, with a shaking breath. He pulled down his briefs and then tried to step out of them and almost fell forward, Steve catching him with steady hands. The Soldier let out a muffled sound of distress at his own feebleness but Steve just held onto him, mummering reassurances as he guided him into the bathtub, supporting his weight as the Asset stepped in. Steve held on as he ordered the Soldier to sit down and then eased his head back to rest on a mesh pillow slanted at the top. The Soldier let out a deep shuddered breath as he felt the warmth encompasses him and pleasant aroma surround him. It was completely unfamiliar and he felt overwhelmed by the effects it had on his sick and aching body. His eyes looked at Steve with an expression of disbelief and bewilderment, asking a thousand questions he could not voice, mouth opened in gasping breaths. Steve smiled down at Bucky, despite the grief he felt at how completely shocking the warm bath felt to his friends battered and neglected body. With a swallow and carefully reassuring smile Steve brushed the tangle of hair from his eyes, using his thumb to wipe away a smear of grime from Bucky’s cheek.  
“It feel’s good doesn’t it?” Steve asked and the Soldier opened his mouth as if to respond before realizing he had no words to express what he was experiencing. After another moment of fragmented thought, he simply nodded and confirmed his Handler’s assessment.  
“Good.” The Soldier agreed and let out another deep sigh as he inhaled the eucalyptus that seemed to calm the pressure in his chest and clear his air ways. Steve smiled at Bucky, using his wet soapy fingers to wipe away more smeared filth from his friends pensive face. After another moment the Captain pulled a plastic shutter over the lower half of the jacuzzi tub, helping to retain the heat and give Bucky some privacy.  
“I will be back in 45 minutes Bucky,…… Right now you need to let the epson salt and oil sooth your muscles. You can move around if you want but try to relax………. If you need anything just say Steve and I will come back in……..When the bath is over we will need to wash your skin and your hair……. Do you have any questions?...... Do you need anything?” The Captain spoke with the same direct tone but he continued to stroke Bucky’s face while he spoke, aware that the touch kept Bucky focused as well as reassured him. The Soldier maintained eye contact with his handler and listened carefully to the directive given. After a moment of silence the Soldier nodded once and spoke again with a flat affect despite the constant crease of pain in his forehead.

“I comprehend the cleaning procedure and will remain here as directed until you have returned. I require no further instructions in order to comply Captain.” The Soldier spoke with a voice that was somewhere between mechanical and blissful, the relief provided by the soothing bath effecting his programed response. Steve nodded once as well, slightly disappointed that Bucky still only thought in terms of needing orders to ensure his compliance with his Handler instead of what he might need for his own comfort and well-being. He knew it would take time, and that for now keeping Bucky calm and reassured was more important than encouraging self-autonomy. The Captain would be patient and focus on giving the Soldier what he needed and not worrying about what Steve himself wanted for his friend. With one more soft caress against Bucky’s cheek and a small, fond smile Steve stood and excited the bathroom leaving the door open. The Asset watched his Handler go and then relaxed back into the warm jets of water, relishing the novel experience and wondering what else would be different now that he had returned to the Captain, his first Handler, his rightful Handler.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

When Steve hand returned, he gave the Soldier a wash cloth and instructed him on how to scrub his skin clean while Steve sat nearby on the toilet and nodded his approval every time Bucky glanced up to check if he was doing it right. Afterwards Steve had drained the dingy water and refilled the tub before helping Bucky wash his shoulder length hair that had become knotted into dread locks in some patches. Steve sighed in mild announce as he realized how much effort it was to carfuly detangle the mess of knots from his friends hair. He looked down at the Soldier who was nervously watching his Handler’s frown, tension obvious in his hunched frame.  
“it’s okay Buck,….. I am just not use to you having all this hair,….. but,” Steve replaced his frown with a smile purposely, reminding himself that Bucky was intensely focused on him and learning what to expect from his Handler. “You use to ware your hair shorter,…… And I think you liked it like that.” Steve offered as he gently kneaded the tense muscle of Bucky’s left shoulder. The Asset looked down at the hand on his scared flesh, watching with interest the manner in which his Handler was attempting to relive the tightened muscle. He then looked away, pensively thinking on what the words spoken had meant. After a moment he looked up at Steve with an expression the Captain couldn’t quiet decipher. The Soldier maintained eye contact as if waiting for Steve to speak.  
“What are you thinking right now Buck?” Steve spoke with a puzzled look, removing his hand as he leaned on his knees.

“There was a picture,…….. In the Museum,……..Short Hair.” The Soldier offered up without showing any emotion, just the same blank expression. Steve smiled and nodded.  
“We thought that was you on the surveillance camera but you did a really good job keeping your face hidden. Yes, Short hair, that’s how you always kept it during the war and before that a little neater and styled……. Would you like to have your hair cut short again?” Steve asked and tried to keep his own implied preference form being too obvious. The Soldier was very good at reading people however and his eyes quickly scanned Steve’s face, assessing the desired response from his Handler.  
“The Winter Soldier, Asset of Hydra, is no longer the code name assigned?” The Soldier asked with a cautious tone, eyes intently focused on the Captain, his vision improving but still glossy with sickness. Steve offered a tight smile and nod, longing to hear Bucky’s Brooklyn accent and ideally wondering how he could help break through the conditioning and programing without completely shattering his friend’s already fragile psyche. The Soldier looked down as he considered this change in his status and the inferred preference that his new Handler had subtly indicated towards a haircut. With a nod of comprehension the Soldier once more met Steve’s patient gaze and spoke directly without any emotion.  
“The change in appearance will help differentiate my current designation as Sargent James Buchanan Barnes.” The Soldier stated then looked straight ahead, concentrating on keeping his body from shaking due to withdraw and detox. For the moment he found the effort of controlling his physical form preferable to thinking about what it meant to actually be Sargent James Buchannan Barnes as he was completely uncertain how to attempt this alteration to his identity.   
Steve swallowed down his impulse to explain to Bucky that his name was not simply a designation but was actually who he really was, the man he had been before Hydra had tried to burn it all away and replace him with an obedient weapon. Steve gritted his teeth in irritation as he realized just how effectively Hydra had conditioned their Asset and what methods they must have used to reinforce such dehumanization. The Captain schooled his expression as he nodded and stood up, taking a deep breath before grabbing a towel.  
“Bucky, can you stand up or do you need help?” Steve asked with a gentle tone and the Soldier’s brow creased as he looked down trying to determine the best answer. After brief hesitation he answered without looking up, a quiver in his voice, body tensing.  
“Functionality is compromised,….. physical abilities…….unknown.” The Soldier offered a slight side glance flinching as Steve stepped forward, still expecting a negative consequence for his inefficiency. Steve paused as Bucky’s reaction felt like a punch to his gut, his breathing choked as he watched his friend, a man who had once stood so tall and proud, now sitting naked in a tub with his head bowed submissively, forcing himself to remain still as he waited to be punished for his weakness. Steve crouched down slowly by the edge of the tub and reached out stroking the curtain of hair away from Bucky’s flinching eyes.  
“I know it’s going to take some time for you to understand this, but I promise, I will never hurt you for making mistakes or for needing help. There will be no punishment, no pain if you do not comply. You don’t have to be afraid anymore Bucky.” Steve felt his throat close up as he rubbed his eyes with one hand, the other placed on Bucky’s bare back that was ridged with tension, small tremors running through him. Steve sighed and looked back up at his friend who’s gaze was fixed in confusion and apprehension as he studied Steve, trying to make sense of the words and the sadness in his Handler’s eyes. After a moment longer, the Soldier nodded despite his obvious confusion and uncertainty.   
With Steve’s assistance the Soldier began to stand up, still unsteady and knees weak. Steve lent support as he helped him step out of the tub and then wrapped the towel around his waist before sitting him on the toilet again. The Captain then grabbed another towel drying his hair softly before setting it on his shoulders. The Soldier remained silent, eyes fixed on the floor and body slightly shaking as he breathed with wheezing rasps. Steve studied his unwell friend with concern, unsure what he should do next. After a moment of contemplation Steve sighed, reasoning that the hair cut could wait and that the next priority should be nutrition.  
“Let’s get you dressed Bucky and then we will go get something to eat.” Steve nodded to himself as he inwardly fretted how the digestion process was going to work. The Soldier nodded once and allowed himself to be guided into one of the bedrooms where Steve handed him soft black boxer briefs, navy blue fleece sweat pants, and incredibly soft white soaks and a T-Shirt. Steve smiled at Bucky’s perplexed reaction to the material, running it in his flingers as he studied it with intense focus.  
“Yea it’s all really soft and comfortable……. The Shirt is made out of bamboo if you can believe it,…… It was Sam’s idea, he thought you would like the way it feels,…. After only wearing combat gear for so long.” Steve added with a sigh. Bucky nodded once, still examining the clothes before looking up at Steve with an expression that asked permission to dress himself. Steve nodded again, hating how Bucky needed permission to do even the simplest things. The idea had Steve thinking about what else Bucky might need but wouldn’t right out ask for. He waited until his friend was dressed before placing a hand on his shoulder, waiting for the unsteady Soldier to meet his gaze.  
“Bucky, I need you to ask me questions anytime you are unsure or don’t understand what’s going on, or what you should do. You have permission to speak freely at anytime and tell me if something is confusing or you are in pain or,……. Just,…… please just tell me what you are thinking.” Steve asked with a deep sigh and a half smile as he watched the pensive, questioning look grow in his friend’s crystal blue eyes as he looked at his Handler and then away with a swallow, blinking. He let out a small exhale and kept his gaze off to the side as he spoke with hesitant, mumbled words.

“When…… will I be given the mission briefing?” The Soldier asked bringing his eyes back up to meet Steve’s but with his head still lowered. Steve sighed and shook his head with a sad smile.

“There will be no more missions Bucky.” Steve stated as he withdrew his hand, watching the look of puzzlement cover the Soldier’s face, eyebrow arched.  
“No……more missions?” Bucky asked with disbelief looking away and blinking rapidly as he tried to figure out what that meant. If he was not going to be sent out on missions, then what other purpose did he serve?  
“No more Missions Buck,……. You don’t have to fight anymore.” Steve explained but the Soldier looked only more perturbed and disconcerted.  
“Captain,…….. I……. I do not comprehend.” The Soldier’s voice was stressed and his shaking seemed to amplify even as he fought to remain still. Steve brought his hand up again to cup his friends face, meeting blue eyes full of anxiety and desperation.  
“It’s okay,….. hey, just breath Bucky,……..Your okay.” Steve tried to reassure as suddenly the Soldier’s breath caught and his eyes grew slightly wider as his fragment brain formed a conclusion. He let out a deflated sigh, glancing at Steve with a quiet pout before hanging his head in submission, body tensed.  
“My functionality is impaired,….. I am no longer a viable Asset, I will be decommissioned.” The Soldier knew that his new designation was too good to be true. He was useless now, a broken weapon that was going to be discarded. He had to prove that he was still a valued Asset, but he was sick and unable to maintain his active duty status. The Soldier trembled silently as he let out a sigh resignation, feeling a suffocating tightness grow in his chest as his fists clenched and he closed his eyes tight, jaw locked.  
“No Bucky,…..God no,….. look at me please,…… you are NOT going to be decommissioned!.......You are not going anywhere!....... You will stay here with me and recover…….. Your just sick right now, and you don’t remember who you really are,……. But I am going to help you!..... Everyone here,…. My teammates,….. my friends, they are going to help you too…… Please,….. just try to understand,…… your safe now!..... Your safe!” Steve begged his friend to understand as he impulsively pulled the quiet, despondent man into a strong hug, biting back his own urge to cry as he internally cursed himself for giving Bucky the impression that he was going to be killed and for his friend’s resigned acceptance that made the Captain want to scream.  
The Soldier did not return the embrace but he did not pull away. He would comply. He heard the words his Handler spoke and his jumbled mind tried to comprehend the meaning. The Asset code name Sargent James Buchannan Barnes was compromised and unfit for active duty. He would not be sent on missions or expected to preform as he had operated when receiving orders from Hydra. The Captain had stated that the Soldier would remain with him and recover. To recover, this word had so many meanings. To get back or regain something lost or taken away, to make up for or make good after loss, damage, etc., to oneself, to regain the strength, composure, balance, to reclaim from a bad state, practice, etc, to regain (a substance) in usable form, as from refuse material or from a waste product or by-product of manufacture; reclaim. And in terms of Military protocols, to return a weapon to a previously held position in the manual of arms.

The Captain had said, ‘You don’t remember who you are.’ To remember, to have memories of before he was Hydra’s Asset, when he was operating as a Howling Commando. In order to understand what his functionalizing and operating protocols were presently under this recovered designation of “Bucky” he would have to regain previously wiped intel and knowledge. The Soldier’s brow creased in frustration as he kept his body ridge and still in the Captain’s arms. He looked up when Steve stepped back, studying his Handler’s face that was a torrent of emotion. The Soldier looked away, the uncertainty and stress of determining how he was suppose to operate without precise orders and a clearly stated mission objective was difficult enough. Trying to asses the complicated emotions directed toward him only further clouded his fragmented ability to reason and determine what was expected of him. The Captain had stated that he and his team would help, meaning to offer assistance in the process of recovery and that he was,…safe. The Captain had said this word before, had repeated it several times. Safe- to secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk, denied the chance to do harm; in secure custody, or the noun,. any receptacle or structure for the storage or preservation of articles most commonly a steel or iron box or repository for money, jewels, papers.  
“Bucky?......” Steve asked softly as he tried to read his friend’s expression. It was clear the Soldier was trying to figure something out, his eyes blinking and gaze staring hard off to the side, fists still clenched and body ridged and tense. The Soldier took in a sharp intake of breath suddenly, eyes closing as he winced in pain from a lighting flash of memory that shot through his mind’s eye.

‘He’s safe!’ The Umpire announced as a man slide into home base. Steve grumbled next to his friend with a shake of his head.  
“Lousy call Ump!” The boy, Bucky, yelled out and Steve laughed and handed him the glass coca-cola bottle they were sharing. Steve was grinning at the taller boy as they sat in the bleachers of a neighborhood park in Brooklyn, the hot noon sun shining brightly and the smell of hotdogs in the air.  
“Buck,…. I need you to talk to me Pal! What’s wrong?” The Captain’s voice was serious and commanding, breaking through the fog as the Soldier bilked and looked up at Steve with a startled and almost excited expression despite the pain in his eyes as he brought his flesh hand up to the side of his aching head.  
“Baseball.” The Soldier rasped out with an exhale, eyes looking at his Handler for confirmation. Steve blinked in surprise, completely unprepared for the seemingly unrelated change in topic. He looked at Bucky and how he touched his head and his own eyes grew in recognition.  
“You remembered something?...... About Baseball?” Steve could not keep the hope and excitement out of his voice, his eyes still wet from his pleading reassurance just a minute earlier that he was not going to terminate his best friend who had seemed to accept the idea with no sign of resistance. The Soldier nodded and he had the smallest ghost of a smile. He wasn’t sure how to describe the memory so instead he just repeated the words spoken, Bucky’s words, his words to a child version of his Handler, the Captain,….. Steve. Maybe this version of Steve would respond similarly to his memory.  
“Lousy call Ump.” The Soldier’s tone was curious and not sure what the words really meant but his Brooklyn accent came through and Steve’s eyes lit up bright, a genuine smile spreading across his face. He stepped forward and pressed his forehead to Bucky’s, his hand holding the back of his friends head. The Captain was aware that the Soldier tensed up again, unaccustomed to these types of interactions but Steve was determined to teach him and help him relearn what it meant to be human so that perhaps he could one day truly recognize himself as the man the Captain had always known him to be.  
“Yea Buck,…….You are going to be okay,……..I will help you remember who you are Pal,…….We’ll figure this out together Bucky!” Steve grinned, eyes earnest and sincere as he stepped back and stroked the side of his friend’s hair.  
“I will….. recover,….. remember,…… you will help me,….. I am safe?” The Soldier offered the words with hesitation, like a riddle he was trying to solve. However, when he saw the look of affection as Steve nodded and pulled him back into a hug the Soldier was finally able to exhale and let himself relax into the embrace just as he had in the warm tub of water. Bucky closed his eyes and pressed himself into Steve just as he had wanted to do in the hall way of the SHEILD Base. He was completely lost and unsure how to function and operate, but at least he understood his mission objective even if that’s not how his Handler delivered the order. The Asset would remember who he was and reclaim the identity of his former self, Sargent James Buchannan Barnes.


	5. Trapped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Here comes some Angst! Get ready as the Roller Coaster of recover begins!

The first few days at the tower passed without any major incidents as Clint arrived and each Avenger officially made awkward introductions that gained no verbal response from the mostly silent Soldier who simply nodded in acknowledgement, avoiding eye contact unless specifically directed. The biggest challenge as Bruce had predicted, was forcing the Soldier to eat as digestion was a difficult and painful process for the recovering veteran who was also still sick from withdrawal. He threw up most of his first few attempts to ingest protein shakes that were specially made by Dr. Banner with probiotics and multivitamins. The pleading look he gave Steve when the Captain again handed him another meal was enough to make even Stark feel sympathetic. Steve had Sam and Bruce there to help explain why it was important for his body to become accustomed to food and Natasha made sure that he was thoroughly informed and briefed on the reason why he was feeling sick, and how Hydra had poised him and destroyed his stomach lining but it did not change the fact that it hurt and caused him pain. In the end the Solider would simply nod and mumble with his eyes lowered, “I will comply,” before taking careful sips of the nutritional shake. Steve felt torn apart by guilt as he rubbed his friends back after words while Bucky repeatedly swallowed back the need to vomit, holding his cramped stomach as Natasha stood in front of him patting his head as she ordered him to keep the food down with stern Russian commands.  
At night the Soldier was restless and unable to sleep and so would spend most of that time on the floor of his room reading through the extensive library of biography’s about Captain America and the Howling Commandos. His head aches grew more frequent and severe the more he remembered but he accepted the pain as necessary and would only stop trying to trigger his memory when Steve intervened at dawn, finding Bucky hunched over cradling his head in pain in front of a spread of books. The Captain, his Handler, would calmly guide him to his neglected bed, insisting he lay down with a cold compress on his forehead. Steve would ask Jarvis to dim the lights and play soft music as the Captain gently rubbed the Assets temples in soothing circles and tried to convince him without directly ordering not to push himself so hard.   
During the day he was shown how to use a Stark tablet and was introduced to Jarvis who’s disembodied presence clearly made him uncomfortable but he said nothing. He was quiet, eyes watching and observing the others as they talked and interacted, studying how they socialized but always dropping his gaze the moment they looked his way. He answered most questions with a simple nod or shake of his head and did not initiate conversations except for when he had a memory flash as Steve had requested he inform the Captain of new memories recovered. Sam had given him a journal to record his thoughts as well as what he was remembering and had stated emphatically that he did not have to show it to anyone unless he wanted to. The Soldier had responded with a blank stare and then looked down at the book for a long moment before nodding once and then asked permission to begin transcribing. To their collective surprise the Soldier had sat down at the common room table instead of the floor by Steve’s feet and begun to write a continuous stream of words for hours. He only stopped when Natasha notice his hand cramping, the hand writing that had been a mixture of Russian and English becoming illegible as he gritted his jaw and tried to continue. She had gently stopped his writing, removing the pen as she began to massage his palm, with a soft smile adding a specific instruction to write for no more than one hour at a time before taking a break.   
On the fifth day, the morning began with another doctor’s exam and a protein shake that was finally becoming easier to ingest as Steve stood by his friend’s side whispering encouragements. He looked up when Bruce cleared his throat, a slightly awkward expression on his face as he nervously removed his glasses. Steve fixed Banner with a concerned frown then looked over at Natasha and Sam who had entered, trailed by Stark and Clint who was on the phone with a displeased look.  
“What?” Steve demanded and his own nervous energy designated as the Soldier finished his drink and then sat up straight, eyes scanning the gathered faces then up to his Handler before lowering to his lap.  
“I am with them now Director,…….. I’ll put him on the line once the Doc tells him.” Hawkeye sighed and Steve shot him a look of apprehension then looked back at Bruce.  
“Dr. Banner?” The Captain demanded and next to him Bucky’s fists clenched. Bruce glanced at Bucky and then at Steve before he swallowed.  
“Remember the agreement we made with Fury back at the base?” Banner began and Steve let out a deep breath as he whipped his face. “The Director has been demanding status updates and until now I have told him truthfully that Sargent Barnes’ biochemistry was still too off kilter to properly synthesis the correct dosage needed for the paralyzing agent.” Banner glanced at Bucky who was sitting still, head down but intently listening, a single tremor raking through him at the mention of paralysis. “But now he has leveled out and the toxicity within his blood stream is almost completely neutralized…….. So,………. He is stable enough that he can handle the effects of the chemical absorption,……. Which is only going to be used if there is no other way Steve!” Bruce tried to reassure him. The Captain was pacing now, trying to with strain his emotions as he knew Bucky was following his lead, already keyed up and on edge.  
“Can’t we just tell Fury that he hasn’t been violent?...... He hasn’t done anything remotely aggressive since he’s been here right!?” The Captain demanded as he looked at each of his teammates.  
“That’s not the point Cap,……Security measures have to be taken and we agreed…..” Stark was interrupted by Steve’s angry huff.  
“He’s not a threat Tony,…… he is trying to recover!” Steve demanded but was confronted immediately by a frustrated shout.  
“We had an AGREEMENT Rodgers!.......... I am responsible for what might happen if Terminator gets his Hydra switch flipped and starts busting heads!...... He’s here,….. living in this tower and we don’t even know what the hell is going on in that brainwashed skull of his!” Tony spat in aggravation and Steve took a step forward prepared to fire back. Sam stepped in and Bruce tried to reason while Clint sighed and told the director he’d call him back. There was yelling and accusations, tension thick and the stress was mounting. Bucky sat shaking on the cushioned bench, head begining to throb as the heated argument triggered an onslaught of memory fragments, brutal and violent.

.A woman was screaming as she held her crying child, begging for mercy before the Winter Soldier pulled the trigger ending her desperate pleas.  
A group of school yard bullies where swearing and screaming as Bucky pulled them off of Steve and used his adolescent fists to fight for his friend, taking on as many as he could.  
Men were yelling and a siren blared as a strange tank rolled over the trenches with blinding blue light that evaporated the fleeing allied forces.  
The Winter Soldier walked calmly through the streets as chaos erupted around him from the bombs he had just planted in the Catholic Bar in Belfest.  
Bucky was barely a teenager standing between his father and mother as the drunken man yelled and smashed dishes, accusing his sobbing wife of sleeping with the local Butcher who had given her a discount after hearing that Gorge Barnes had lost his job because of the depression.  
A large man with a sadistic grin was shouting at him to get up in Russian. He was surrounded by guards with stun batons who laughed and goaded the naked and severely injured prisoner who used his one remaining arm to protect his head as he shook. He did not know who he was or why he was being tormented but he was afraid and in terrible pain.

“Enough!..........Look!” Natasha used both hands to shove Tony and Steve apart before pointing at Bucky who had collapsed forward to the floor and was curled up under the bench moaning through gritted teeth, eyes squeezed tight and hands over his ears as he rocked back and forth. The Avengers went silent, Steve’s jaw dropping as he quickly closed distance toward his distressed friend.  
“Steve wait,…..” Sam called but it was too late and the moment the Captain placed a hand on his friend shoulder the Asset reacted on impulse and cried out as he struck out with his metal arm sending the Captain flying. The disoriented and clearly frightened man sprang from under the bench and ran franticly toward the exit prepared to fight anyone who attempted to stop him.  
“Not Good!” Clint voiced as he leapt on top of a file cabinet with a tranquilizer gun in his hand. Natasha grabbed Bruce and Sam shoving them out of the way as Tony jumped back into several medical monitoring equipment just in time to miss a flare of Bucky’s metal arm. Clint fired two shots, landing one dart in the fleeing man’s neck but the other was deflected. For just a brief moment Clint caught the Soldier’s eyes, instantly recognizing the immediate need for evasive action. He saw a storm of pain, fear and confusion in the dilated eyes that looked at him with no recognition before a nearby computer was hurled violently toward the Archer who launched himself to avoid it but still landed hard. Clint gritted as he pushed him self up and yelled to the Captain who was sprinting out the door to chase down his escaping friend.  
“One Dart landed!” Hawkeye shouted and then was up on his feet as the others were up and moving.  
“Jarvis lock down mode! Get me a suite now!” Stark demanded as he stood arms out ready for the metal to come flying towards him. The others stood back, aware of how the technology of his most recent Ironman suite worked.  
“He’s heading up the stares, probably toward the roof.” Natasha spoke in hast as she looked at her phone.  
“Jarvis seal him in that Stairwell.” Tony ordered as the suite began attaching.  
“Will those doors hold him?” Bruce asked and Tony exchange an uncertain look.  
“Doc he got hit with a traq, will it stop him?” Sam asked.  
“It might slow him down but he’s running on adrenaline and fear.” Banner voiced.  
“We made eye contact and he’s completely dissociated, no recognition.” Hawkeye offered as they headed out of the lab. Bruce grabbed a vile and hastily placed it in to a needle.  
“We have the paralysis agent, we just have to get close enough to inject it.” Banner spoke quickly as he handed the syringe to the Widow who nodded before racing after Ironman who was in flight mode. The others followed her except Bruce who looked around at his semi destroyed lab and worked on calming his racing paulse to ensure the other guy wasn’t going to add to the mess.  
Steve burst into the stairwell behind Bucky who was racing clumsily up the stairs, the tranquilizer and his still weaken physic taking a tole despite the blind panic and need to escape that was fueling him on. Bucky was grunting like a wild animal, desperate and determined as he made it to the next-door way and began slamming his metal arm against the lock.  
“BUCKY STOP!” Steve commanded as he ran up behind him and grabbed him in a tackle bringing them both down hard. Steve wrapped his arms and legs around the flaring man who was fighting not like a highly trained Hydra assassin, but like a wild beast, making roaring noises of distress as he twisted and fought furiously to get free. Ironman was there a moment later and managed to shoot out three magnetic cuffs that locked Bucky’s ankles, knees and thighs together. Steve was still wrestling to hold his upper body, pining the Soldier’s arms as he held his back to his chest. Steve was trying to calm him down but when the cuffs attached together Bucky let out a shattered cry of desperation, slamming his head back into Steve’s noise with a crack as blood poured out. Steve didn’t let go even as his vision swam trying desperately to get through to his terrified friend.

Natasha was there in an instant with the paralyzing agent and worked fast to inject it into Bucky’s neck as he howled and actually managed to bite her before Stark could hit him with a sonic wave that impacted both struggling Super Soldiers. Steve shook his head from the blast and tightened his grip as Bucky continued to yell with fierce determination. Natasha had backed up behind Ironman as she held her hand up examining the punctured teeth marks that had begun to bleed. Hawkeye was at her side a moment later and did a double take. As he examined her injury.  
“He actually bit you?” Clint exclaimed and Sam joined them a moment later breathing hard as he looked at her hand and then back towards Steve who was holding onto a wild and uncontrolled beast.   
The cries of furious rage died as the paralysis kicked in and the Soldier became limp, unable to move. Panicked sobs of helpless terror were echoed in the stair well as Steve shifted to cradle Bucky in his arms. Tears were streaming down the Soldier’s face as he squeezed his eyes tight still lost in his fear driven memory. He couldn’t move, he was helpless and now they would hurt him again. He didn’t know who they were or who he was, only that they smiled and laughed every time they were able to make him cry.  
“Bucky,….. shhhh,…. Open your eyes,… Please,……. It’s okay, please.” Steve was pleading as he stroked his friend’s contorted face, the panicked sobs escaping his clenched jaw in rapid succession.  
“It is DEFINETLY NOT OKAY RODGERS!” Tony spat angrily as his mask opened. “I TOLD YOU THIS COULD HAPPEN!........ SEE, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” Tony demanded as he towered over Steve who was holding Bucky protectivly like he had back at the SHEILD Base.  
“ARE YOU!” Steve shouted back with a voice that was not Captain America, but a scared and heartbroken kid from Brooklyn. He glared up at Tony with wet eyes and a face covered in blood from his broken noise, his anger giving way to his fear and need to protect his vulnerable friend who was still making choak, whimpering noises, eyes closed and face wet with tears.  
“Everybody just calm down alright!....... Yelling at each other like a bunch of idiots is exactly what brought this on!” Sam interjected, standing between Ironman and Captain America.  
“Sam’s right,…..The Soldier got triggered hard,…… and he lost control.” Clint spoke evenly and calmly as he held Natasha’s hand looking at the bite wound and then over to the paralyzed man whimpering on the floor.  
“He was just scared.” Steve’s voice was low and he looked at his friend with sorrow and guilt.  
“It doesn’t matter why or how this happened,…. The point is that we need to be the ones in control when he isn’t!” Tony stated with irritation but less anger. “Look Cap,…… You have a broken noise, Natasha has a bite wound,……an actual bite wound for God’s sakes!..... We cant just let a rabid Animal run loose in our home, even if he is your good old Buddy from the Golden age!” Stark gestured toward the broken man, shuddering on the floor. Steve’s head shot up and he fixed Stark with a look that threated legitimate violence.   
“HE IS NOT AN ANIMAL STARK!...... He is a war hero and a traumatized vet,…..a POW that finally escaped.” Steve barked back then looked down as Bucky took in a sharp silencing breath and flinched at the volume of his voice, eyes cracking open.  
“Well that war hero is responsible for a lot of death and I am not signing up for Babysitting a psychopath just because you think he use to be such a swell guy!” Stark huffed as he turned away from the pitiful sight with a shake of his head. Bruce had appeared quietly, listening to the on going argument as he approached Natasha with a first aid kit having been alerted by Jarvis. He began looking at Natasha’s hand as the Widow spoke calmly, her eyes focused on the quivering figure shielded in Steve’s protective embrace. Her head was tilted and her voice was analyzing.  
“He’s not a psychopath,……. The Winter Soldier was not programed to feel any sense of satisfaction from his missions…… He simply followed orders and preformed as he was instructed. His fighting style is clean and precise,……. Executed with detached efficacy and precision.” The Widow explained and she shifted her hand so Bruce could begin wrapping the bandage.  
“And Your friend,…… Bucky, was a Sargent, an experienced soldier who exceled at improvising, and was cool under pressure,…… if his SHEILD bio is to be trusted?” Natasha turned and asked Steve with a raised eye brow. The Captain looked at her and then nodded looking down at the now silently shaking man who was trying to control his quivering breaths and be still, eyes half-mast and unfocused.  
“What are you getting at Nat?” Clint asked curiously and She looked at him pointedly then back to the paralyzed form of a man who no one really knew.

“What ever memories where just triggered,……. That was not The Winter Soldier, a Highly trained Asset of Hydra,…. Nor was it Sargent James Buchannan Barnes, Sharp shooter for the Howling Commandos,…… I think what we just witnessed was the prisoner in between,….. he did not recognize anyone, even Steve,…. And he fought wildly and untrained,…. He bite me out of desperation and fear………. That was the defiant but broken man left behind after Hydra tried to wipe Barns away, but before the training and programing began, when they were still using learned helplessness and fear to condition submission and obedience.” Natasha stated with an almost clinical detachment, despite the slight sigh she made before looking directly at the Captain, eyes becoming soft in empathy.  
“He has been completely unmade Steve…….They did more then take away his memories,…… They tortured him until he no longer understood how to resist, and then built their Asset from there………. His files,…….. some of the more graphic and disturbing ones that SHEILD has uncovered from the last Hydra base,……., contain cliff notes indicating a very extensive and unrelenting conditioning process that was both dehumanizing and objectifying……. Before you can treat this man as your friend, as Sargent Barnes, you have to realize how many layers of programing have been constructed and built upon the conditioning that made the Winter Soldier a completely obedient Asset.” The Widow explained as Steve looked down at Bucky with a swallow. The Soldier’s eyes were opened but vacant and staring at nothing, his breaths even but shallow. It was a deliberate attempt to dissociate, and the self-induced state of suspended consciousness was almost more distressing then his earlier panic and violent struggling.

“Steve,……. Common man!” Sam crouched down and shook his head. “You know we got your back!..... All of us,……. That’s why we brought him here,…..But he is dangerous Steve,….. It might not be his fault but it doesn’t make it untrue!....... He needs your help,….. and you can’t do this alone,…….. We have to be the ones in control right now. It hasn’t even been a week yet and we don’t know what other triggers there might be and what types of programing we are going to help him fight against and overcome……. He needs this Steve and so do we!” Sam made his point and Steve hung his head as he stared down at Bucky’s despondent and blank expression with a pained sigh of resignation as he wiped the wet cheeks of his oldest friend.  
“I’m sorry,…….. I’m sorry.” Steve didn’t know if he was talking to Sam or to Bucky or maybe both but he shook his head as he gritted his teeth, hating what his friends wanted to do to his brother but his back was against the wall, and he knew that as much as he loved Bucky, he couldn’t do this on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: I consulted my room mate who is a Nurse, about paralysis and if Bucky should be able to close his eyes and making sobbing noises and she said maybe not consciously but with spasms. That being said, whatever,..... It’s my story and Bucky is a Super Soldier so typical medicines are less effective!


	6. I will comply

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Sorry Y’all been busy at work and fell asleep every time I tried to edit this. Lots of FEELS in this Chapter. Also nobody is an expert in how to help de-program and recondition someone who has been through what Bucky has, even Sam and Natasha might need to reevaluate the best way to help him break through.

The Asset laid silent and unmoving on the operating table as the man in metal, the technician, was operating on the prosthetic shoulder. The Soldier kept his gaze strait up and tried to block out the throbbing pain from his shoulder that was dulled only slightly by painkillers that the Doctor had delivered through an IV into his flesh arm. His organic arm was clasped by his Handler who was sitting off to his right voicing gentle reassurances as he rubbed the knuckles of the Assets sweaty and trembling hand. He was only slightly still affected by the paralysis, able to move but willing himself to remain still. He had violated protocol by losing control and becoming confused by his pain and blinging fear.   
Now, His mind had been brought back to the present, away from his escape into dissociative numbness. The first sensation he had become aware of was the fiery agony of someone preforming repairs on his metal arm, the burning pain sharp and distinct. He had sucked in an involuntary gasp and shudder, eyes wincing in pain as sweat broke out on his brow. He tried to keep his breathing even and his gaze locked on the celling, desperate to avoid further punishment for his disobedience. He knew that the paralysis was going to be an implanted mechanism in his metal arm, a fail-safe should he break protocol and fight back against his Handler and the Avengers Strike team again. He was a dangerous and unpredictable liability for the Captain and now they were going to make sure he was put in his place, unable to deify orders or try to escape.  
“How much longer is this going to take Stark?..... And why aren’t the pain killers working?” Steve huffed angrily as he watched the nauseating sight of Bucky trying to control his reaction to the obvious pain. Tony rolled his eyes as Bruce spoke up with an apologetic tone from across the lab.

“I’m sorry Steve, I want to be careful with the amount of pain killer we give him as he’s coming off the Paralysis. His Immune system and overall systematic health is still struggling to recover from the toxins Hydra was feeding him. We have to be careful so we don’t overwhelm his body.” Banner sighed heavily with a shrug and sympathetic smile.  
“It won’t take much longer Spangles,….. just need to get these wires routed and there is some kind of electrical circuit in the way…… It looks like it’s there for some purpose but why it is hooked up like this……” Stark mumbled as he twisted the pliers and suddenly jumped back as the silent man on the table arched his back and gasped in a choked cry of shear agony, eyes squeezing tight and fists clenching.  
“AGGGHHHHHNNNNNN…..AHHH……..AGHHHHH……..uhgnnnnn…” The Soldier bit down hard on his wails as he collapsed back on the table shaking with his face contorted in a grimace as tears escaped his shut eyes.  
“Bucky!...... Buck,….. Talk to me pal,…. What happened?....... Are you okay?” Steve was desperate as he used both hands to hold Bucky’s wet face brushing the strains of hair away. The Captain was griped in urgency, his voice a desperate plea spoken with alarm. The Asset opened his eyes a sliver, hearing the order to “talk,” and to explain. “what happened.” His Handler wanted him to report his comprehension, to make certain the Asset knew why he was being tortured. 

“The…. Asset…… is…. be…being punished….. for dis-obedience.” The Soldier shuddered, his words slurred and stuttered as he looked at his Handler with such remorse and grief, he reminded the Captain of a guilty dog begging his owner for forgiveness. Steve felt his gut twist and his throat go dry, as Bucky fought to control the stream of tears and muscle spasms from the electric shock that left him shaking with pain. “I….I am ready… to comply……..I will….comply……..I will comply, I will comply I..I….” The Soldier’s voice broke and he closed his eyes against more tears as he turned away and let his head fall back on the table with a thud, bottom lip trembling as he took a steading breath for composure. He blinked open wet eyes staring up at the celling as he attempted to prepare himself for another spike of hot electrical currant, Hydra’s preferred source of punishment when out in the field. The Soldier may have forgotten about the electric switch buried in his arm but every time it was triggered for his misbehavior or failure to comply he remembered it just the same. It felt like fire ripping from his arm through his central nervous system and into every inch of his body, burning him from inside out. The effects while extremely painful, healed relatively quickly and so was preferred to broken bones, deep tissue bruising and even lacerations that had to heal before he could go back on Ice. The Asset could be effectively disciplined and then recover within 6-8 hours and be put back in cryo or sent on another mission.  
Steve fell back heavy in his seat and once more grabbed Bucky’s hand and brought it to his chest as he let out a shattered sigh, other hand covering his face as he let the words puncture his aching heart. Bruce looked over at Tony with a remorseful look of recognition as Stark sat hunched on his stool looking at the pliers in his hand and then to the monitors that indicated the activation of every pain sensor within Bucky’s body. The Soldier’s entire nervous system was inflamed, flesh pink and sweaty as the Asset again attempted to remain still and accept his punishment with stifled breaths through snorts of air, jaw locked in determination and eyes fixed on the celling blinking away his tears.  
“Bucky,……… Buck,……. You are not being punished!” Steve explained but the Soldier simply glanced at him side ways with confusion before looking back to the celling. “ I swear to you Bucky, I know this hurts,…. It’s almost over and it is not a punishment!.....We are trying to help…..”Steve’s voiced faltered as he gritted his teeth, aware of how his own unwillingness to subject his friend to this procedure was betrayed in his voice leaving his sentiment disingenuous.  
“Endurance test?” The Soldier asked with a bewildered, trembling voice, eyes darting toward Steve with a look of hurt betrayal as he flexed and gripped his metal hand that was the only thing strapped down at the wrist and elbow. His tone was soft and his eyes showed a sad, disappointed look as he had thought this Handler was different from the others. The Soldier felt foolish for actually believing that he would not be subjected to painful stimulus for the purpose of evaluation and assessment. The Asset had been acquired by a different organization who had to determine his ability to tolerate pain and his willingness to comply and obey when experiencing adverse sensations.  
“NO!.....” Steve shouted impulsively and Bucky flinched, looking away as he bit his lip hard enough for it to bleed. “No,…. I mean,…… God Bucky stop,…… stop hurting your self!” Steve’s commanding tone was saturated with his own remorse and frustration and need to protect his friend. Bucky instantly stopped biting his lip and let out a small disconcerted whimper as he locked his jaw staring up at the celling as he choked back his pained sobs.  
It didn’t matter why his Handler and the other Avengers where subjecting him to the torturous pain. It was not his place to question or presume and yet he had made yet another error in his programming. He had become too assertive and had responded to their leniency with misbehavior and disobedience, causing injury to his Handler and another superior agent. This was his own fault and he deserve to suffer the consequences of his reckless and impulsive behavior. He did not need to understand why they were hurting him, he needed to comply and prove his absolute obedience so that they would not decide to decommission him or worse.  
“I will not question authority,….. I will comply,… I will preform as instructed.” The Asset sputtered as he exhaled with each deep breath, eyes on the ceiling and face locked indetermination as he tried to regulate his franticly beating heart even as his fingers and toes still spasmed from the electric shock. Steve’s mouth hung open and his expression was a mixture of devastation and guilt and anger. He held Bucky’s flesh hand pressed to his heart as he looked away with a shake of his head then looked at Stark with resentment.   
“Look Cap…’ Tony sighed defensively as he looked away with his own shake of his head.  
“Finish it!” Steve’s tone was quiet but seething with anger, eyes piercing into Stark who looked at him with hesitation and guilt.  
“I didn’t know it would cause him pain,…. I mean not like that….. I wasn’t trying to…” Stark’s apology was cut off as Steve’s calm but cold words silenced the skilled mechanical genius.  
“Finish it now Stark!...... Or let me take him away……. This is wrong,……this is……” Steve shook his head, speechless as he looked back at Bucky who was once more attempting to lay as still as he could, trying to control his shaking, twitching body and suppress the fear of what he had already accepted was his deserved punishment.   
Ironman looked from Steve to the pliers in his hand then at the trembling man on the operating table who’s expression was pained but determined, prepared for whatever agony would come next. Tony felt a camping nausea as he realized that despite his own intentions, he was effectively torturing this man, triggering his programming through the painful stimuli that just reinforced conditioning of absolute obedience. Stark staggered off of his stool and dropped the pliers on the ground and turned away, leaning on the work table, unable to face Steve’s accusing glare.  
“You win Cap,…… I will reinforce security,……. Put a stand by suite in the common rooms and we will make tranquilizer darts that incorporate the paralysis so Barton or Natasha can take him down if necessary. We will put those in each room as well.” Stark sighed as he stood up and rolled his shoulders before turning back toward Steve’s uncertain expression. Tony shrugged and glanced briefly to the silent Soldier who’s gaze remained focused on the ceiling as his breathing gradually steadied despite the still apparent tremors. Stark rubbed the back of his neck as he looked over at Bruce with a shake of his head.  
“I’ll just tell Fury I couldn’t install the release valve because of hardware complications.” Tony mumbled, still avoiding Steve’s watchful stare.  
“What if he doesn’t believe you?” Banner asked quietly, his eyes flickering over to the Super Soldiers then back to Tony.  
“I will provide consensus in my report to the Director.” Natasha spoke from the door way. The other men turned to her in surprise, having not heard her approach, all except the Winter Soldier who’s senses here on high alert, body racing with adrenalin despite his deliberate stillness. His heart was still beating fast and his breaths were not slow but were even. He let his eyes glance in her direction but they shot back to the ceiling the moment she met his gaze.  
“It is going to be extremely difficult for Barnes to break through the Hydra programing even with our help and support,….. if we continue to treat him like an asset to be controlled,…. We are just reinforcing the very programing we want him to overcome.” The Widow explained simply as she took a few steps into the lab, arms crossed and bandaged hand covered.  
“Why didn’t you say this earlier Natasha?” Steve’s tone was incredulous, exhausted and on edge, feeling slightly hostile toward his team mates and supposed friends. She looked at Steve with a raised eyebrow then back toward the silent but very aware Winter Soldier.  
“I’ve had more time to consider the situation….. Stark in accurate in his instance that we need to be able to take him down in case of violence and destruction,….. but I was not aware of the trigger switch in his arm that was used to control and inflict punishment on the Asset…… If we are going to expect him to learn how we are different from Hydra then we need to handle him differently.” Natasha stopped when she was standing directly across from Steve on Bucky’s left side. She leaned forward with her bandaged hand and cupped his sweat drenched face, turning his head toward her. His eyes locked with her own, fear and pain and anxiety shinning bright as well as confusion. His bottom lip pouted and he took in a snort of breath, eyes widening as she gently stroked the hair behind his ear.  
“We want to help you Soldier,….. not hurt you. We are not Hydra,…. The Avengers want you to break programing and go against protocol……. It will be very hard for you, and might cause you to feel out of control…. Just tell us,….. use your words to tell us whenever you are having difficulty processing or functioning properly…… You will not be punished for inability to comply or for needing clarification…….We will help you but you need to let us know what is going on inside your mind.” Natasha spoke in Russian, with a gentle, soft tone that the other Avengers had rarely heard her use. She offered the barest hint of a smile at his apprehensive and questioning expression and then she hit a series of buttons that released the restraints on his metal arm. She took a step back and nodded as Steve looked at her and then to Bucky with concern. The Captain stood and used his grip on the Soldier’s flesh hand to help him sit up.  
The Soldier looked at his Handler with puzzled bewilderment and then closed his eyes in a wince of pain as he sat up, his metal arm still sore, body tense and aching.  
“We need to close up the arm.” Stark muttered as he shot Steve an apologetic shrug. Steve nodded and turned back to Bucky who was sitting silently on the table with his head down, hands in his lap as he took quiet shaky breaths.  
“Bucky,……. Can you look up at me please.” Steve’s voice was spoken with a tenderness that only further confused the Asset who was struggling to reconcile the meaning of the words spoken to him with the familiar pain of his conditioning still throbbing through his entire body. With a shudder the Soldier looked up at his Handler, determined expression breaking as he once more looked lost and defeated.  
“I do not comprehend……. I…… Captain,……what are my orders,……..please?” There was so much raw emotion in his crystal blue eyes that shown bright with a need for reprieve from the tremendous anxiety that felt like a crushing weight. He was so tired and confused about what they wanted from him, the dysfunction of his uncertainty only adding to the ache in his body and the throbbing of his head. He wanted to throw up but knew he was ordered not to. He wanted to collapse forward into Steve’s broad chest and beg for him to take control, he was so lost and unsure, it was all too much.   
“Oh Bucky,……..” Steve sighed as he stepped forward and carefully wrapped his friend in his strong embrace, one hand cradling his friend’s head the other on his bare back as the Asset closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into Steve’s chest with a small whimper, trembling slightly, still overwhelmed by the closeness and touch. It felt so good but also so strange and he was still hurting, the sensation bringing another sharp memory flash cutting through his minds eye.  
“Asset,….. are you ready to comply?....... Compliance will be rewarded!” A Man stood over his battered and broken body, stroking the Soldier’s face gently with latex gloves as he poured small sips of water into his dry mouth, throat raw from screaming.  
“I will comply,….. please,…..let me comply!” The Soldier’s voice was a shattered whimper as he kept his fists clenched in his lap but pressed his forehead harder into Steve’s sternum, the Captain letting out his own broken sigh as he stumbled back from the force but tightened his hold, shaking his head in heart ache as he looked up at the others with misery.  
“Steve,….. he needs orders to feel safe,…… he’s confused and not knowing how to comply makes him afriad…….He needs his Handler.’ Natasha stated slowly with eyes that communicated that she knew how hard this was for the Captain but that it was needed. With a defeated sigh he nodded and stepped back, using the hand that was on Bucky’s head to lift his face in his large warm palm, stroking the wet cheeks with his thumb.  
“Buck,……. I need you to stay calm and let Stark finish working on your arm. I want you to tell me if it hurts and we will stop……. You are not being punished and you are not being tested…… Do you understand?” Steve explained with his own calm and deliberate tone, eyes searching his friend’s face that was exhausted and still creased in pain and disconcert. After a moment the Soldier nodded simply, lowering his eyes once more.  
“Use your words Sargent Barnes.” Natasha stated from a few feet away, direct and to the point. Bucky glanced nervously toward her, brow crumpled as he mentally flinched at the use of his former name and title, aware that she was trying to encourage him to respond as the man he once was and not as an Asset. He let out a few harsh breaths and closed his eyes tight, trying to think about how Bucky and not the Asset should answer but the pain that still coursed through him prevented his attempt at thinking beyond his Hydra programing and with a discouraged pout he looked up toward Steve but could not meet his eyes and so instead stared blankly straight ahead at his Handler’s chest.  
“Affirmative,…… I am ready to comply Captain.” The Asset whispered with a sigh or resignation and relief, needing the release of following orders instead of trying to comply to their non-structured and informal expectations that they deliberately phrased as vague suggestions. Steve bite back his own urge to be sick and closed his eyes taking a breath before nodding with a forced smile at the Soldier’s uncertain glance up in his direction. They had a long road ahead toward recovery and Steve knew he had to be strong to help Bucky be strong, He needed to help his friend face it, and if right now Bucky needed a Handler instead of a friend, then that was who the Captain would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Don’t worry, just a small set back but Bucky is strong and Steve is learning.


	7. Hush now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: A short tear jerker for you but more on its way. Some chapters are shorter and some longer. It is how it is.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for your reviews because I love hearing what you think and if my writing is descriptive enough to portray the scenes I have in my head. So many ways to write them out.

Another week passed and the Hydra Asset wearing Bucky’s face remained mostly silent but in some ways was more engaged, making deliberate attempts to go against his programming and take initiative. It was small, simple things that no one would have notice if he hadn’t nervously glanced toward Steve and the others to assess their reactions. The Soldier would stand up abruptly and go get a glass of water, constantly peering over his shoulder to see if they were watching and if his action was acceptable. In response Steve would grin and nod, Natasha would simply smile, and the others would offer nods of encouragement or else not acknowledge it at all. Another time the Soldier made a move to pick up his stark tablet before Steve had offered it, pausing with his hand hovered over the device as he glanced tentatively toward his Handler who simple shrugged and then nodded, the tense look dissipating from the Soldier’s face as he picked it up and sat back on the floor by Steve’s feat, leaning into the touch as his handler ran his fingers through his Asset’s hair.  
In turn Steve and the other Avengers recognized the conflicted yet desperate look that crossed his face whenever they touched him and so it became a positive form of reconditioning. Steve would rub his back or put a friendly arm around his shoulders while the others interacted with him more casually but still with deliberate touch. At first initial contact the Soldier always went ridged and tense but would relax a moment later and offer a nod and brief smile. With Steve, his look was less forced polite and more searching, his eyes studying the Captain’s face intently before his eyes fluttered and he practical collapsed against his Handler, (Friend?) with a sigh of relief, as if the touch was the best reward he could ask for.  
The Soldier in an attempt to follow the instructions of the Black Widow also began asking quiet, tenaitive questions, exploring the almost unimaginable and still uncomfortable order to speak freely. The Soldier would start by walking up to Steve and on a few occasions the others, standing directly in front of them with his eyes lowered. He would take a breath and then raise his head a fraction, hair still curtaining his pensive expression. Then his eyes would drift up, a little higher each time but rarely could he actually look them straight in the eye unless they specifically requested he do so. His jaw would twitch and his fists would open and close as he struggled to force himself to speak. Usually Steve or another Avenger would remain quiet and patient, facing the recovering Soldier with open body language, waiting for him to wrestle with his words and break through his programming without the assistance of permission granted. On a few occasions when he opened and closed his mouth more then once Steve would lay a hand on his shoulder and speak softly with encouragements of, ‘You can do it’, What’s on your mind Buck or Do you have something to say? It was an opening to help his friend break through even if Natasha insisted that the Soldier had to learn to initiate conversation without prompts from others.  
The questions were always phrased the same, requesting permission to take a nap, use his tablet, go to the bathroom, or to explain something he was uncertain about. His voice was low and monotone without inflection or even a hint of accent and it bothered Steve more then he wanted to admit, longing to hear his’s friends natural voice. It was the same tone he used most often when reporting on a new recovered memory, many of them depictions of past missions or Hydra conditioning and programing that made Steve internally cringe through he outwardly kept a calm, tight smile plastered on his face as he thanked the Soldier for reporting the memory.  
On a few rare occasions the memory flash would be different and anyone watching could immediately tell he was not recalling Hydra training but a moment from his past as James Buchanan Barnes. In the precious few seconds after the initial wincing pain of the flash back the Soldier’s face would light up and Steve felt his heart stop as he caught a glimpse of the man he had known since Childhood. Bucky, not Hydra’s Winter Soldier, would turn toward him with a smirk as he spoke with an accent that was not forced but completely natural, 1940’s Brooklyn, NY. That girl Dolaris sure could cut a rug!.....Hot dogs at Coney Island Stevie!....You always liked drawling the damndest things!.....Your ma sure was swell for baking that apple pie for Old Mr. Wilson….. You never did walk away from a fight did you Punk? When Bucky had turned to him and said Stevie instead of Captain for the first time the Super Soldier almost dropped his glass of water and his jaw hung open before a huge grin plastered Steve’s face. However, when Bucky had actually called him a Punk, using the familiar taunt of their youth, the Captain was completely dumbstruck as he stared at his friend. There was genuine humor in Bucky’s crystal blue eyes and his smirk had actually grown to a full, shinning grin as he shook his head with a small chuckle, the first Steve had heard from his friend in far too many years. The Captain was immediately overcome with nostalgia, jaw working to restrain a sob and eyes wet as he took a few steps forward and pulled his oldest friend into a desperate hug despite the immediate tenses and alarm in Bucky’s eyes.  
“Jerk!’ Steve muttered as he held his friend close, so overcome with fond emotion that he was almost shaking. When Steve had finally stepped back to look at his friend he ran a hand through his hair as the Soldier studied his face with a pensive look, all familiarity and easy expression gone, replaced by wary uncertainty and confusion. It was almost surreal when the stoic and reserved façade of the Soldier was broken through with the genuine light of Bucky’s memory. He was there, standing before Steve without any pretense or hesitation, real and honest and completely Bucky Barnes. But each time the recollection inspired only a momentary display of his true nature before Hydra’s Asset was once more back in place. Steve felt both hopeful and discouraged all at once, turning to his team mates that all appeared intrigued by the flashes of Bucky, recognizing the man Steve knew instead of the Winter Soldier they had all become use to.  
At night the Soldier dreaded sleep, Hydra’s demons torturing him even when he was free from their clutches. His dreams almost always started off as strange distortions of past recollections. He would be a child running through the streets or playing Stickball with the other Irish and Italian kids as Steve sat on a nearby trash can sketching. Or he would be with his family at Christmas dinner, or dancing with some red lipped dame who looked at him with seductive eyes. These shards of his past felt so real and welcoming at first but quickly turned into grotesque depictions of violence. At times he would transform into the Winter Soldier and in the corner of the room a Russian Hydra Handler would order him to kill his entire family, their faces still blurring but their presence known. The red lips of the girl he was dancing with would become blood, her eyes cold and vacant as he withdrew a knife with his metal hand and reported over his com that the mission was complete. However the worst were from before he was the Asset, and he knew he could never escape Hydra. His child self-running and laughing with friends would suddenly be alone in an underground labyrinth of a Serbian Hydra base, wearing nothing but a blood-soaked bandage over his stump of an arm as he heard the shouts and the barking of the dogs on his trail. He would be laying safe in his tent next to Steve and then suddenly back on Zola’s exam table frozen with searing hot pain coursing through his veins.  
Steve came in to wake him up every time, alerted not by screams or cries from Bucky’s room but by Jarvis who was instructed to notify the Captain if he appeared to be in distress or his heart beat exceeded 80 beats per minute as his resting was only 40. Steve would quietly open the door and Jarvis would automatically raise the light to a dim setting. With a heavy breath, Steve would cross the room, aware that Bucky’s eyes had shot open the moment the door opened but he was still paralyzed in his bed, shaking in silent fear, tears streaming down his face, his breaths coming out in choked gasps that were barely audible as his fists clenched the sheets. This was how Bucky had awoken from his nightmares even before when he was still Sargent Barnes and not the Winter Soldier. Steve had spent many nights during the war waking up next to his friend’s silent torment in their shared tent. And now just as before Steve felt heart broken and desperate yet calm and determined. He had learned early on that just touching Bucky or calling his name would not bring him out of his panic and so did what had seemed to work best back then. With gentle hands he would take a wet wash cloth and whip his friend’s face and neck as he sang to him an Irish Lulliby, the same one their mother’s had taught them both, the same one Bucky had sung deliberately off key to make Steve smile when he was sick in bed.   
"Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,   
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,   
Hush now, don't you cry!  
Over in Killarney   
Many years ago,   
Me Mither sang a song to me   
In tones so sweet and low.   
Just a simple little ditty,   
In her good ould Irish way,   
And l'd give the world if she could sing   
That song to me this day.  
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,   
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,  
That's an Irish lullaby."  
Oft in dreams I wander   
To that cot again,   
I feel her arms a-huggin' me   
As when she held me then.   
And I hear her voice a -hummin'   
To me as in days of yore,   
When she used to rock me fast asleep   
Outside the cabin door.   
"Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,   
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,   
Hush now, don't you cry!  
Back in their tent Bucky would blink his eyes and turn to face Steve, his silent choked gasps slowing as he gradually recognized Steve’s face. The Sargent would let out a few deep, quivering breaths as his friend smiled softly down at him, wiping his sweaty forehead and tear stained cheeks, still singing softly. Usually by the last few verses Bucky would have calmed down enough to at least hum if not shakenly sing along to the beloved song of their childhood. He never talked about what he saw and experienced in Zola’s lab, what unspeakable horror was trapped in his head at night and visible behind his hunted blue eyes when he was too tired to notice Steve watching him. And if The Captain tried to ask, tried to understand what hell his best friend had been subjected to while restrained to that metal table for almost a month, Steve was always met with either defensive anger or silent resentment, and so he had to leave it be.  
Now was different. Now Bucky was not the willfully defiant and stubbornly independent Jerk from Brooklyn who pretended he was fine. Nor was he the man who could sing along and smile up in quiet thanks to Steve for waking him and bringing him back from his nightmare. The Soldier would take in a deep shuttered breath, eyes blinking quickly as he looked up at his Handler with confusion, remorse, anxiety, fear and pain, so much pain that he could not suppress a whimpered cry before rolling onto his side and hiding his face against Steve’s chest as he continued to sob quietly. Steve would keep singing softly by himself as he tossed the wash cloth and laid down, gently petting the Soldier’s hair. They would lay their together until the shaking stopped and the Asset would look up at his Handler, eyes drowsy with sleep as he continued to listen to the words that somehow calmed him and filled him with warmth, just like Steve’s presence. Eventually the Soldier would fall back asleep and so would Steve, waking later to find two blue eyes staring at him from only a foot away, patiently waiting for his Handler to wake up and for the day to begin. Steve would smile, stretch and then suggest the Soldier go take a shower which he always did promptly with a single nod of affirmation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Steve is a good Handler even if he isn’t always sure the best way to help the Soldier, he knows how to be there for Bucky, and that’s all he can do for him, love and patience!


	8. WARNING: Graphic abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: WARNING!!! After editing this chapter I realize this story should be rated mature. This Chapter references a disturbing and somewhat intensely worded account of Hydra Abuse and the horrific impact it has had on the Soldier’s fragmented identity and sense of normal bodily functions. This chapter relates to the despicable abuse of power and domination that certain Hydra agents get off on. This trauma has led to a very distorted understanding and perception of his own body resulting in self harm.

As the Soldier’s body steadily recovered from the near toxic over dose and starvation, he was weened off of the detox drugs and started slowly eating solid foods, his curiosity at war with his trepidation. He would study how the others used their silver ware, and followed Bruce’s instruction on chewing slowly and thoroughly before swallowing after he initally choked on a thick peanut butter and banana smoothie that was far more solid then liquid. When he managed to eat without prompting and even reached out to serve himself seconds of Pepper’s lentil soup recipe, Steve beamed a smile and caught Natasha’s cocked eyebrow and Clint’s snicker as well as Sam and Bruce’s nods of approval. Stark caught the Captain’s eye and silently raised a class in a quite toast, acknowledging the strides the Soldier was making with each passing day. By the end of the fourth week at the tower the Soldier was looking healthier and was alert and engaged with his surroundings, eye contact more frequent then not and small smiles appearing throughout the day as he regained a sense of self autonomy.  
Unfortunately with the balancing of his biochemistry came an influx of hormones that had been suppressed for so long that the Soldier was completely caught by surprise when they sired with in him a need he could not identify and so did not bring it up during his check up with Bruce. Everyone was so focused on Bucky’s mental health now that his physical health had been mostly restored that no one saw it coming and the result was painfully disheartening and disturbing in ways they could have never imagined. Hydra was sick and twisted and cruel. How cruel, Steve could scarcely fathom, feeling sick from reading over the files SHIELD had uncovered with detailed cliff notes recording the Assets reaction and pain tolerance as well as rate of healing when subjected to multiple forms of injury and painful stimuli. But nothing Steve had read in the files could have prepared him for what happened late one evening after over a month of steady progress with only the one major incident of violence that first week.  
Steve bolted through the apartment sweet and toward the bathroom after being alerted by Jarvis that Sargent Barnes was having a panic attack and was harming himself.  
“Bucky!........ Buck what…?” Steve questioned as he threw open the unlocked bathroom door, eyes frantically searching before landing on his naked friend who was dripping wet from the still running jacuzzi bath, hunched over on his knees and facing a corner as he rocked and grunted in pain. Steve paused for only a second before he closed distance and lay a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Bucky turn around,…… How are you hurting yourself?” Steve demanded with a forced calmness he did not feel. The Soldier let out a low wine that broke into a sob and a frantic shake of his head, still rocking and facing the wall.  
*“Well will you look at that,….. The Asset’s all revved up and raring to go…… you got a Gun in your briefs Soldier or are you just happy to see us!” The Voice taunted with a snicker, others near by, he kept his head down.*  
“It won’t go away,….. please,……I am trying but it won’t go away!” The Soldier was hyperventilating and trembling, pain and fear strong in his quiet plea. At night he was scared and frozen in remembered pain but during the day his flash backs of Hydra had been spoken of vaguely with distant eyes and a cold detachedness that Sam explained was disassociating from the actual experience, relaying it as a story, a narrative of events that helped him distance himself from reliving it as intensely. This was something else, something more physical and immediate and real for the distressed Soldier who was gritting his teeth as his muscles flexed and he again groaned in pain.  
“Bucky Stop!.... What are you…” Steve again was cut off but this time by his own shock and dismay as he grabbed Bucky’s right shoulder and forced him to turn around. Steve’s face froze in horror as he looked down at his friend who was using his metal hand to squeeze his most sensitive member in a vice like grip, the physical effects looking swollen, purple and most definitely painful.  
*“Look at the fucking idiot,…. They fried his brains so much he doesn’t even know what to do with it….. Soldier take care of that or we will!” The voice laughed and there was an edge to it, malice excitement that the Winter Soldier knew meant pain, meant his suffering for their amusement. He had to make it go away.*  
“Agggghhhnnnn….. Please,….. It won’t go away,……. Please,……. I am trying Captain….I can’t…” The Soldier was caught between choked crys of distress and desperate gasps for air as he kept his head down submissively, eyes looking up with a pleading tearful expression that Steve had not seen since the day Stark had accidently triggered the electric volt in his arm used for punishment. The Soldier was completely terrified and tried to intensify his grip as he let out another anguished cry of pain.  
“Oh God,….. Stop Bucky!......STOP IT SOILDER THAT IS AN ORDER!” Steve’s voice was loud and desperate with shock and alarm at the unexpected situation. Bucky whimpered in despair as he let go and covered his bruised and battered member with both hands, trembling with his head down, curtain of wet hair clinging to his face. Steve’s jaw was open and he covered his mouth with his hand as he shook his head, the other hand tentatively resting on Bucky’s bowed head, the Soldier biting back quiet sobs as he gasped for breath.  
*“Should we take him to the lab and let them handle it?.....” A different voice, board and irritated.*  
“Jarvis,…….Jarvis I need,…. Tell Sam and Bruce I need help with Bucky!...... Tell them to meet us in the med lab.” Steve gasped out as he looked at his friend in absolute shock and disturbed dismay. At the mention of the other Avengers and the medical lab the Soldier let out a shattered cry and bowed his head further, curling in on himself as he rocked harder.  
“No Captain,…… Please,….. I will comply,….. please don’t…… please!” His words were stuttered between quiet, muffled sobs that he fought to hold back. This was worse than before, worse than watching Bucky’s resignation and acceptance of a punishment he thought he deserved. Whatever The Soldier thought was about to happen to him was so terrifying that he was begging his Handler not to inflict the punishment, completely fighting against his programming to defy orders while still promising to comply.  
*“Fuck that,….. why should the Lab coats get all the fun,….. besides,….. I think we can perform our own examination and get to the,……bottom of this…” The voice,….Strike team leader,…..Rumlow, laughed and so did the others. “ Soldier, turn around and lay your chest on the table, arms out……. Rollins,… Smith,…. Magnetic cuffs.” The Asset complied, he felt dread cramp his gut as he lay his bare torso on the cold steel table, arms out stretched above him as the magnetic cuff’s locked them in place.*  
“Bucky we need to see what damage you’ve done to your self!....... Why did you do this Buck?......We need to examin…..” At that word Bucky’s head jolted up and his wet blue eyes were wide and filled with absolute terror, his breath choked and he went completely ridged before letting out a cry of defiance and desperation.  
“NO!...nonononononono…..” Bucky shook his head back and forth frantically as he panicked and looked back down again trying to squeeze his erect and swollen member, pushing it down. “Aggggghhhhhhhnnnn.” Bucky cried out in agony as he inflicted harm trying to get rid of his unwanted erection.  
The Soldier was in a full blown panic attack and was squeezing himself so hard it made Steve feel physically sick. With his own sense of desperation, the Captain grabbed Bucky’s arm and spun his friend locking them behind his back as he wrapped his other arm around Bucky’s neck to pin him against his chest.  
“Bucky…… Bucky calm down!....... Buck,……. SOLDIER STOP RESISTING!” Steve shouted the order in his friend’s ear as the Asset frantically tried to break free before instantly surrendering at the aggressive and commanding tone. The Soldier was pinned against his Hander sitting on the floor, body bare and exposed as he let out another shattered sob before gritting his teeth to choke off his cries of distress.  
Captain Rodgers I have informed Mr. Wilson and Dr. Banner of your current location, they will arrive momentarily.  
*“That’s right Soldier,…..Don’t you worry about that little problem down there,…. I got just the thing to take care of it for ya.” Rumlow snickered as he grabbed the band of the black briefs the Soldier was wearing and slid them down in one rough motion and then kicked his legs apart further.*  
“Please, I will comply,….please,…. Captain…. Please don’t, I will comply…… Please don’t……” The Soldier’s words were begging whispers of remembered agony and all consuming fear, wet hair plastered to his face and body shaking hard as both Sam and Bruce bolted through the door way and stopped abruptly at the threshold to the bathroom, both men jolted to a shocked stop at the disturbing and heart wrenching scene. Steve turned to look at them with his own panic as he held tight to the trembling figure.  
“Help,….. Please,…… He’s hurting himself.” Steve’s voice was desperate as he looked wide eyed from Sam to Bruce, still restraining the Soldier who was now silently sobbing, hair matted to his face and knees bent up to his chest to hid his bruised and swollen flesh. Sam took a few steps toward them and the Soldier’s panicked sobs became louder and more distressed as he looked away from them.  
“Steve,…. Let him go.” Sam said sternly and Steve shook his head.  
“Sam he won’t stop trying to hurt himself! I can’t…..” Steve tried to explain but Sam interrupted as he took a few more steps in.  
“Steve,…. Just let him go,…. We’re here now and he’s terrified,….. he won’t calm down while he’s being restrained.” Sam again spoke with deliberate authority and insistence. With a hesitant frown Steve released his grip and Bucky instantly recoiled away from all three men, scrambling to the furthest corner where he hid himself, his head buried and his back exposed, rocking with soft whimpered cries of anxiety. Steve sat forward and ran his hands through his hair as he looked up at his team mates.  
“He’s squeezing himself in his metal hand,….. it looks so painful,…..It might be damaged.” Steve gasped out, concern and fear evident in his trembling voice as he looked from the others back toward Bucky’s huddled form.  
*“We are gonna help you Soldier,….. let you release all that pent up energy,….. Can’t focus on the mission with that thing in your way can you?” Rumlow asked with mock kindness as he took out his stun baton and it crackled to life with a bolt of blue electricity. The Asset trembled, he would comply, he needed to comply, compliance would be rewarded.*  
“He’s squeezing,…..his uh, his,,,,,,his…” Bruce fumbled with his words as he too stepped toward Bucky who was shaking harder than ever before.  
“Please Dr. Banner, he needs medical attention!” Steve’s voice tilted between broken and demanding as he stood up looking desperately from Bucky to Bruce then Sam. Sam narrowed his eyes after they blinked in momentary shock and then moved carefully closer toward Bucky, crouching down and just out of arms reach.  
“Bucky?...... Hey,…. Sargent Barnes?......” Sam asked gently but the man in the corner continued to rock as his mumbled cries became more pronounced.  
“IwillcomplyIwillcomplyIwillcomply……..” The Soldier was repeated the phrase like a mantra, stuttered breaths in between.  
“SOLDIER!.........ATTENTION,……TURN AND FACE!” Sam barked sounding like a drill Sargent. The tone silenced the whimpering Asset who responded mechanical as he turned around, face still obscured and knees pulled tight, a silent tremor raked through his body.  
“Soldier, Status report!” Sam spoke again with the same authority but less volume. He was kneeling about five feet away and Steve and Bruce where standing right behind him.  
“It……won’t go away,…… I can’t make it go away,……Please,…..Don’t…..” The Asset’s voice was barley above a whisper, head down and face hidden as he trembled.  
“What won’t go away Soldier?,…. Show us what the problem is.” Sam spoke now with a more gentle and less forceful voice but still the Soldier trembled and slowly with a whimpered grimace, face still hidden behind his wet hair, he shifted up on to his knees and removed his hands from his lap with a choked gasp, his terror so obvious it was hard to look at him. The three Avengers looked down at the swollen and darkly bruised private member that was still erect despite the physical pain.  
*“I am gonna fix this little problem of yours Soldier,….. and then you can thank me later.” Another round of laughter. The Asset felt his body go tense, his heart was beating fast and his breaths choked.*  
“Jesus!’ Bruce exhaled as he slowly crouched down next to Sam who was trying his best to school his own disturbed expression. Behind them Steve felt the nausea twisting sharper and more insistent.  
“I can’t……I can’t!” Steve let out a shaky breath as he covered his eyes and turned away, shoulders shaking. “God Buck!.....What did they do to you,…….why…… why would…..” Steve’s voice broke and he let out his own grunt of frustration and sorrow. The Asset remain motionless despite his shaking, ragged breaths escaping as his hands clenched his thighs hard enough to bruise.   
“Okay,……..Just Breath Bucky,…….We want to stop your pain not make it worse,….. okay?” Sam spoke gently as he looked over at Bruce and gestured his head toward the towel rack. The Doctor nodded in understanding and stood slowly grabbing a towel before taking slow steps toward the tensely fearful Soldier who would not raise his head but was tracking the approaching footsteps with his down cast eyes, breath increasing as the man got closer.  
*“Just Breath Soldier,…… and open up for Daddy!” Rumolw’s voice was husky and low sending a shiver down his spine, the chorus of laughter that his words provoked from the others was crushing as it echoed around him in the Hydra detainment cell.*  
“Steve,……. We need you to be at his side.” Sam instructed to the Captain who was pacing behind them both hands on his face. Someone as strong as the Soldier needed to be able to keep him from becoming violent again in his fear and confusion. The Captain stopped and looked at Sam and then to Bruce before back to Bucky, eyes landing on his bruised, swollen erection with a shuddered sigh, swallowing back a sob as he took slow, careful steps toward his friend before crouching by his left side.  
“It’s okay Buck,…… You don’t need to be afraid,……. I got you pal,….. Nobody here is going to hurt you.” Steve promised with a quiver in his quiet voice as he patted his friends head reassuringly. He reached back to accept the towel from Bruce with a thankful nod, the Captain’s grief stricken, wet eyes meeting the Doctor’s kind and compassionate yet unsteady gaze. Dr. Banner was clearly trying to tap into his medical professionalism but feeling the same anguished horror at what was sure to be another disgustingly heinous revel of Hydra abuse.   
*“It’s gonna hurt Soldier,…. But we teach you order through pain.” The Asset knew what was going to happen, that he could not stop it and that he must comply.*  
Steve carefully draped the large fluffy towel over Bucky’s shoulder’s and back, then sat down and began rubbing steady firm circles in his back with his right hand as his left gripped the Soldier’s metal wrist, firmly to prevent a possible strike.  
“Just breath Bucky!....... I promise you Sargent,…… Whatever Hydra did to you,…… when this happened,……. We would never do that!” Sam spoke calmly with the same tone of commanding authority that he knew Steve could not bring himself to muster, so overwhelmed by the situation at hand.  
“Sergent Barne’s,……. I need to examin….”Bruce was cut off as the Asset choked in a gasp, a violet tremor ran through his body as he let out a pained whimper, wrapping his free flesh hand over his abdomen and curling over as he struggled for breath.  
“Here comes your prostate Exam,… lets make sure it works like it should.” Rumlow thrust the stun button deep inside of the exposed Asset who cried out in extreme agony, the electrical current burned his insides with searing hot pain, legs cramping as a painful organism was forced from his ridged body.  
“Please….don’t!” The Soldier breathed out with a trembling whisper, hot tears dripping from his down cast face as his body shook with phantom pain, his own wails of agony echoing in his ears.  
“Different word Bruce.” Steve interject with another broken sigh. The Doctor looked at the Captain and then to Sam before nodding as he rubbed his own face with a nod and heavy exhale to make sure the other guy was not going to show up.  
“Bucky,…. Hey Bucky just breath okay,…. You are here with friends,…. You are safe,….. can you look at me Sargent?” Sam asked with an implied order. The Asset slowly rose his head, blue eyes a torrent of agony and pain so deep and devastating that the other men were speechless for a moment. He looked wrecked, face wet with tears, eyes large and dilated as shuddered sobs escaped quietly from his trembling lips.  
”Okay,….. Soldier I need to asses the damage so you can heal….. Do I have permission to touch you?” Bruce asked with his soft and unthreatening voice. The Asset was trying to breathe through the jack hammering of his heart. He focused on the familiar faces, on the feel of Steve next to him and the fact that he was not with Hydra, not restrained to a metal table for an examination and there was no sign of a stun baton.  
This was not the first time the Doctor had asked for his consent to physical assessment and although it was always an unfamiliar and disorienting question, he had slowly been gaining an understanding of how his current Handler and the other Avengers wanted him to recognize his body as his own, a truly novel concept.   
The Soldier opened his mouth to answer but his voice was trapped so instead he simply nodded a jerky motion, wet strains of hair falling back over his face as he looked back down.  
“Sargent,….. take another breath and try to use your voice,….. we need to understand what is going on right now, why you were harming your self,……. So lets start with you answering Dr. Banner’s question….. Does he have permission to put his hands on you,…. Not to hurt you but to make sure you are okay?” Sam’s voice was steady and strong, a calming force that grounded the Soldier just like Steve’s hand on his back. The Soldier took in a few more breaths before willing himself to raise his head up again a fraction, still unable to make full eye contact. With a strength of will that he hardly recognized as his own he spoke with a hushed whisper.  
“Yes Doctor Banner,…. I consent …..to…. your medical evaluation…… of the damage…. I have sustained.” The Asset expressed with his mechanical, detached tone, attempting to regulated his breathing and distance himself from the painful memory even as it continued to play out in his mind. The Asset tried to internally reassure himself of his Handler’s promise that he would not be punished despite the stabbing panic that his body was still remembering, vicious words echoed in his ears as he struggled to keep the past and present separated. He wanted to curl up and hid but he was surrounded by the Avenger’s and whatever they required of their Asset, he would comply.  
Steve leaned in by his ear and spoke calm words of reassurance as the Soldier’s jaw locked and he remained ridged and still as the Doctor carefully used his hands and a medical scanner to determine the level of damage and injury. It only took a minute or less and the Soldier remained complaint but tense, blinking away the tears of his memory, eyes glazed and distant off to the side in Steve’s general direction as he tried to focus on the Captain’s words.  
“Your okay,….. Whatever happened before,…. Your safe now Bucky,…… We won’t hurt you, I promise Buck,….. your doing fine,….. just breathe okay?” Steve’s own heart had been beating fast but was gradually slowing down and the Asset attempted to regulate his own, mimicking his Handler as he unconsciously leaned into him more, his head twisting until his forehead was pressed into Steve’s neck, shoulders shaking in his Handler’s comforting embrace.  
Bruce sat back with a sigh as he looked at the scanner and Sam grabbed another towel and helped Steve wrap it around Bucky’s waist coving his private area gently.  
“Well,….. there will be more swelling and bruising,….. and some short term nerve damage, but I think he will be recovered within a few day with the help of the serum….. I can make an advanced healing ointment that will reduce swelling and numb the pain.” Bruce concluded and turned toward Sam and then Steve. “Lets get him dressed and feeling secure before we start asking questions.”   
“Yea,…..that’s a good idea.” Sam agreed and then stood up and backed away as did the Doctor giving Steve room to stand and help Bucky to his feet. The Soldier winced in pain and kept his gaze lowered as he slowly followed out of the bathroom with Steve leading him, right arm around his shoulders, and left loosely holding Bucky’s metal wrist. They went into Bucky’s Bed room and Sam and Bruce went out into the living room, the VA councilor and the Doctor exchanging intense looks before the Doctor headed into the kitchen to make a pot of caramel, ginger honey tea to calm himself and the others.  
In the bed room Steve took the towel from Bucky’s shoulder’s and gently dried his friend’s hair, a tight smile under sad eyes as he continued to take measured breaths. The Soldier stood motionless with only small tremors, breathing slower but still with slight quivers. His eyes remained on the ground, hands in fists at his side as he too focused on keeping calm, the echoed laughter of Hydra and the crackle of the stun baton still ringing in his ears. Steve threw the towel to the side and gave his friend a troubled glance before grabbing the loosest pair of soft gym shorts and a gray t-shirt. He brought them to the Soldier and sighed as he gave him the order to get dressed. The Soldier nodded once and removed his towel, not asking why Steve had deliberately not handed him boxer briefs, aware it was likely so that his injured and still semi erect penis would not be further aggravated. In recent weeks Steve had insisted the Soldier pick out his own cloths, encouraging him to make choices and decisions for himself. At the moment the Soldier was grateful that his Handler understood just how exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed he was, hardly able to keep himself together.   
When he pulled the shirt over his head he shivered slightly, wanting a sweat shirt but unable to make himself speak, his throat tight and mouth dry. The Asset felt numb and muddled from the intensity of the memory that was still replaying in his head, gut clenching and the taste of bile in his throat. He looked up half way as his Handler wrapped his favorite soft blanket around his slightly trembling shoulders, soft Navy blue fleece with the Captain’s shield embroidered large in the center. Steve had chuckled when he told the Soldier that it had been a gift from Tony Stark who like to put the Shield on everything as a joke.   
For reasons he could not outright explain, the Blanket made him feel,…….safe…… a word he was still unsure of but related it to a similar sensation as relief from pain or strenuous excursion. The Asset dared to look into the Captain’s eyes, attempting to determine what was to come next. He saw sadness, concern, love and discomfort all plainly written on Steve’s face and pouring from his expressive eyes over a bitter smile. In turn, Steve saw the familiar deep well of fear, pain and confusion in his friends troubled eyes as well as humility and perhaps a sense of shame without fully comprehending the turmoil of those emotions.  
“I know your confused Buck,….. we are too. But please,….just don’t be afraid,….. nothing you tell us will result in any kind of punishment,…… Just,….. we just want to understand.” Steve sighed heavily as he shook his head and used his hand to push back the drying locks of hair from his friend’s pensive stare that had drifted toward the doorway as he swallowed. With more slow and wincing steps, Steve again led Bucky with his hand on his back out into the living room and toward the couch where they both sat down, the Captain pulling the fleece so that it was tucked securely around his friend who had timidly admitted more than once that he liked this Blanket. Steve offered it to Bucky after restless nights or when the migraines got too bad and he could hardly see straight.  
Bruce walked over and handed them both small cups of tea before taking a seat across from the two Super Soldier’s, Sam to his left. Steve smiled briefly at the Doctor, took a sip and set his down as the Soldier held his pressed to his chest, the warmth welcoming. He tried to stay focused and in the present, his breathing finally even, but still shaking slightly as the bright flashes of memory still burned behind his distant, lost gaze, head throbbing and stomach twisted. He took a sip, then another, focusing on the hot liquid warming his core and wetting his dry tongue, soothing his throat.  
“Sargent Barnes?..... Bucky,….. I need you to come back.…. Focus on my voice and look in my eyes Soldier.” Sam spoke again with calm authority. Steve rubbed Bucky’s back again and the Soldier let out a deep breath blinking slowly as he brought his exhausted and dilated gaze up to meet Sam’s eyes as instructed. The Councilor gave him a small smile and nod of encouragement then spoke with a gentle but direct tone.  
“I need you to tell us why you were using your metal hand to hurt your-self.” Sam stated without much inflection, attempting to maintain a calm and non-judgmental tone so that the former Asset would not feel threatened. The Soldier swallowed once and looked down between his legs where the painful throbbing was growing as the erection was fading.  
“It would not go away.” The Soldier answered simply with a frown, brow creasing as he swallowed down the spike of anxiety, taunting voices and laughter still ringing in his ears.  
“And why did you think it needed to go away?” Bruce asked with a thoughtful expression. Bucky looked up at the Doctor with a cautious, weary expression then to Sam and finally Steve who nodded in encouragement, needing to understand his thought process.  
“It…… interferes with,….. the Asset’s ability to focus on missions,….. it must be,…….released…..” He shuddered as he closed his eyes tight, the phantom pain spiking through him again and he felt his damaged member twitch in response, nausea twisting his gut. His hand shook with a violent tremor and the tea spilled causing Bucky to look down in alarm and quickly up to Steve with anxiety as he bit his lip. The Captain simply nodded and took the half empty cup from his friend and placed it on the table, using a napkin to wipe the spill from Bucky’s shaking hand.  
“It’s okay,……It’s okay Buck.” Steve promised with a sad smile and horse whisper, his own grief heavy as he couldn’t help but feel a crushing sense of despair knowing that Bucky’s concept of an orgasm was connected to some terrible form of torture. When he looked back at Sam and Bruce, they shared a serious stare that communicated their mutual understanding that whatever had happened, it was truly horrific.  
“How did Hydra,…. assist you…..in release?” Sam asked using the Soldier’s identified terminology and dreading the answer. Steve looked like he might scream or break down crying at any moment and Banner was practicing his deep breathing. The Soldier took a few more quivering breaths, eyes now lowered, off to the side and distant again, voice barely above a whisper.  
“Examination,….. of the prostate,….. using a stun baton,…..in….inserted…..inserted.. in.” The Asset’s mechanical tone broke before swallowing thickly and blinking one tear down his cheek as he took in another shaking breath. He winced and closed his eyes in pain as he again grabbed his lower abdomen and made a small whimper, his body reliving the assault yet again despite his efforts to push the memory back and focus on the soft feel of the blanket wrapped around him.  
There was shocked silence as Steve’s mouth had dropped open in dismay and Sam sat back with a shake of his head coving his mouth as Bruce stood up and walked, pacing as he tried harder to keep the other guy in check.  
“They,…..they used… a stun baton…to….to” Steve’s voice choked as he watched Bucky fold in on himself with another small shudder and muffled cry. “Oh God,…… no,….no Bucky,…..please,…..Oh my God.” Captain America was in tears, hands shaking as he gathered the heap of blanket toward himself, wrapping his abused and broken friend in his protective arms. The Soldier was not crying, only a few tears left, already spent from the pain and fear earlier that now left him exhausted and soar. He offered no resistance, letting himself be held tightly by his Handler who seemed completely devastated, why the Asset was not entirely sure but he was too disoriented to really consider it, eyes still glazed over and distant.  
‘Why!?......Why?.........Why would they do that?..... What was the purpose of……….” Steve’s demanding questions were directed toward Sam and Bruce as he held Bucky to him like he was terrified to let him go. He was crying without any pretense, face streaked with tears as he looked frantically from the Doctor to the VA Counselor before closing his eyes as he pressed his cheek and then forehead to the top of Bucky’s brunette scalp.  
“Hydra is Fucked up Cap,….. they are cruel, sadistic, bastards that get off on dominance and control,….. order through pain.” Sam spat angrily as he remembered Rumlow saying those exact words during their fight before the Helicarrer tore through SHEILD’s headquarters. At the familiar Hydra turn of phrase the Soldier gave a violent shudder and a low whine, turning toward his Handler once more to bury his face into Steve’s warm neck. The Captain adjusted his embrace, using one hand to soothingly scratch Bucky’s scalp, the other holding him securely.  
“How could anyone do that to another person,….. even an enemy,….. how,….. I don’t….. I don’t understand!” Steve’s voice was still broken and eyes wet but he was controlling his breaths as he looked out the large window at the setting sun. He gritted his teeth as his feelings of disgust and anger was tempered by his desire to sooth and comfort his friend, holding Bucky with fierce protection.  
“The Chinese Prison guards in Tibet have been known to use that same tactic on political prisoners, many of whom are Monks and Nuns.” Dr. Banner sighed with a sour grimace as he remembered treating the refuges that had survived their hellish internment, managing to seek asylum in neighboring Nepal and India. “I imagine….. it is the violation and degradation of the captive person’s body….. as much as the pain inflicted….. that fulfills their sadistic need to feel powerful over those who are at their mercy.” Bruce stated with an edge of anger as he leaned against the wall pinching the bridge of his noise, still swallowing down the green furry within.  
“Oh Bucky,…… I’m sorry,…… God,…… I am so sorry I let this happen to you,……. Please,….. please forgive me Bucky,…….. Your safe now ! I swear to you,…… I will never let them hurt you again,…..I promise Buck,….. I promise!” Steve’s stuttered words faltered as he gritted his teeth against another cry of anger and guilt so painful and raw he was shaking out of his skin, fresh tears stinging his cheeks. There was a long stretch of silence, Bruce covering his eyes as he breathed while Sam laid back on the couch looking up at the ceiling as he contemplated how to best help the Soldier understand and accept his own body as a man, hormones and all after such a volatile and emasculating trauma. Steve was crying quietly as he continued to cradle Bucky who was no longer tense in his arms but pliant and accepting. After another long minute the Soldier shifted gently out of his Handler’s arms, looking up with a lost, childlike expression that communicated concern towards Steve’s red, wet face that was still rasping out shuddered sighs.  
With only slight hesitation and a pensive frown, Bucky opened up his blanket and wrapped it over Steve’s shoulders. With slow, cautious movements he pulled the Captain toward him using his metal hand to gently push Steve’s head to rest on his right shoulder before completing the embrace, resting his own cheek against the crown of his Handler’s head, both soldiers wrapped safely in the blanket side by side.  
"Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Hush now, don't you cry.” The Soldier sung softly, voice gentle and vacant gaze staring at nothing, no tears left to cry for himself, wanting only to ease his Handler’s distress. Steve’s face was awestruck before he closed his eyes against another flood of tears while Bruce and Sam simply marveled in quiet admiration as they watched the Winter Soldier try to comfort Captain America, offering his own calm reassurance as best he could, tone soft as he held on to Steve, rubbing his back just as the other Super Soldier had done for him so many times in the past month of his recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Okay, so I know that got dark. I volunteered for a month in India working with Tibetan refuges while I was in grad school and yea,….. the Chinese prison guards have done some really, really heinous things. Using a stun baton to violate Nuns and Monks being just one of many terrible abuses and indignities the Tibetan political prisoners have suffered. That is why so many monks have been setting themselves on fire in protest. Sorry to get so dark on y’all but if this fucked up shit happens in real life then I don’t think it is far-fetched that Hydra would do the same. I realize now I should have put more warnings on this story. Hope this chapter didn’t ruin your appreciation for the story and know that things get better! I promise!


	9. Because we're friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : Thanks for hanging in there, I know that last CH was rough.

Two more weeks passed without any serious incidents or road blocks in Bucky’s recovery. Sam and Bruce had helped the Soldier learn and understand the basic physiology of his body through literature and documentaries that explained how the male anatomy functioned and the reproductive process. After the lesson in body awareness, Bucky agreed to abstain from self-injury behavior and promised to report any perceived dysfunction to his Handler or to Sam or Bruce with the reassurance that he would in no way be punished or reprimanded under any circumstances. As the realization set in that he would not be subjected to pain for the purpose of conditioning desired responses, the Soldier was finally becoming more at ease with self-expression, exploring what it meant to be a human and not simply an Asset. He made attempts to hold eye contact for longer periods and rarely flinched when touched by the others. He also expressed a desire to work out in the gym and no longer looked to his Handler for permission when he needed to use the restroom or he wanted to shower or eat. His speech was still limited and his words were always carefully thought out before spoken softly, but with less nervous trepidation, often asking follow up questions or interjecting his own perception.

After six total weeks of custody, The Captain and the Black Widow had just returned from a briefing with Fury and Maria Hill, negotiating another few weeks of recovery before SHEILD’s own specialists and doctors were given access to Sargent Barnes. The meeting had left Steve in a sour and irritated mood that he was not very good at masking as they entered the common living area to find Bucky, Sam and Clint in the Kitchen preparing a large tray of various types of fruit. Encouraging the Soldier to sample different kinds of tastes to help establish personal preference had been one of many tactics Sam suggested to help reinforce Bucky’s understanding of self-determination and personal agency. The first time it had been done with different flavored protein shakes and Stark had suggested a blindfold to which the Soldier’s reaction was instant tension and escalated breathing, head lowered and fists clenched. The idea was dismissed immediately and Steve had spent the next hour promising his withdrawn friend they would never cover his eyes.

The Captain forced himself to smile and nod at his teammates as he walked over toward them to look at the array of fruits on the large serving tray. The variety was truly extensive and Steve smirked as Natasha walked by snagging a blueberry, popping it in her mouth. Bucky was carefully analyzing the different fruits with his eyes before stiffening for a moment, intense gaze locked on some orange slices as his brow furled, jaw set. The others noticed at once, shifting back slightly as they had come to recognize the signs of memory recovery, aware that depending on what the Soldier was remembering, his mood and temperament could change drastically. At times the memory was of his past as Bucky Barnes and a fond smile beneath thoughtful eyes would replace his usually neutral expression, followed by some statement or comment that was spoken with a Brooklyn accent. However, at other times the memory would be something dark and painful, his expression changing to match the mood and he would turn away and go grab the nearest blanket, curling up in a corner with his knees drawn up and his head down until he was able to regulate his intense emotions and work through the ugly memory.   
They knew to give him space when these flashes of Hydra abuse or past gruesome missions replayed in his mind’s eye. Only after more than an hour of brooding would Steve or occasionally Natasha intervein, recognizing that whatever he had remembered was just too much to overcome on his own at that moment. The Soldier would be taken by his hand and lead back to his room where he would be encouraged to take a hot bath, the most comforting sensation the Asset had identified, preferred over food or the distraction of visual media.  
Steve and the others watched Bucky’s expression turn pensive and then his eyes blinked rapidly as his hand reached out and he picked up an orange slice before bringing his gaze up toward Steve, eyes searching his Handler’s face before holding the slice out toward him with the smallest smile, eyes full of concern.

“Here Stevie,….. Vitamin C will help you shake this cold,……It’s no fun having you stuck in bed all day!” Bucky’s voice was strongly accented and sounded younger, as if he were a child again. Steve’s breath caught and his surprise shifted to a grin as he accepted the orange slice with a nod.

“Thanks Bucky!,….. You’re a good friend!” The Captain responded, all remanence of his bad mood obliterated by the ray of sunshine that hit him square in the chest. The Soldier looked inquisitively at Steve as he tilted his head in thought.

“Friend,…… I am… your… Friend?” The Soldier questioned with a thoughtful look, as if finally understanding the context and meaning of the word.  
“Yes,….. you are my Friend,….. you have always been my friend Bucky,….. since we were children.” Steve nodded in affirmation, restating a sentiment that he had spoken numerous times to the Soldier over the past several weeks. This time was different however because instead of trying to get the Soldier to understand the true nature of their relationship, he was simply confirming what the man was asking. Bucky looked down for a moment considering the word Friend and thought about all the memory fragments he had recorded in his notebook, having reread them all numerous times. Despite trusting Steve and the others, he was still paranoid that one day he would wake up wiped clean again and loose everything he had painfully struggled to regain. Bucky took in a deep breath then looked back up to the Captain, his words slightly hesitant and expression guarded.  
“I am your friend,…… and……. You are….. my…..” He took another breath, fists clenched at his sides. The others remained silent, eager to hear what he would say next. “You are my friend,……. not,….. my Handler?” He questioned with a quiver of uncertainty in his voice, eyes hopeful but shoulders hunched and head slightly lowered as if he might have made a terrible mistake.  
“Yes!...... Yes Bucky your right!,…… We are friends!..... I am not your Handler,….. no one is…… We take care of each other, help each other because we are friends!” Steve’s voice was a mixture of relief and desperation, wanting to make sure his friend really heard him and finally understood the truth of their friendship. Steve had accepted the painful fact that the Soldier had needed the reassurance of a Handler, unable to comprehend normal relationships until now, the connection finally being made. With another pensive expression and a nod, Bucky looked down for a moment and then back up, biting his lip as his eyes pondered, his next words hesitant and unsure.  
“It’s okay Buck,…… just tell me what your thinking,…. Please?” Steve asked, his eyes bright with hope, an eager edge to his voice that he tried to keep calm.  
“Your rank and Title,…… is Captain America,…… your name…..is….. Steven Grant Rodgers……I….am Sargent Barnes,….. you….. call me Bucky.” He spoke slowly, as if putting the missing pieces together, gaze intense as he watched his Handler, no, his friend’s reaction. “I,… call you,….. Steve?” The Soldier asked with a hushed breath, eyes pleading that he was not mistaken. He was answered with a huge grin and watery eyes as Steve nodded enthusiastically, relieved that at last the connection had been made and that his friend would finally stop referring to him as Captain and start calling him by name, not just after memory recovery but all the time.

“Yea Bucky,….. You can call me Steve, or Stevie……what ever you want pal,…. Because we are friends,” Steve confirmed as he closed distance and rest a hand on the side of his friend’s face, eyes grateful and chest feeling light.

“Punk?” Bucky questioned with a slight smirk and Steve laughed as he stepped closer and pulled his friend into a hug.

“Sure Jerk!......whatever you want!’ Steve sighed.

“Because we are friends?’ Bucky asked again quietly, his head tucked down in Steve’s warm embrace.

“Yea Bucky,…. Because we are friends!” Steve sighed with relief and joy as his wet eyes met Natasha, Clint and Sam who all offered back their own encouraging smiles and nods, knowing how difficult it had been for Steve to step into the role of Handler and how much he had missed his friend.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Every day was steady progress and the Soldier’s blank, neutral expression was eroding as he became more comfortable with his surroundings and the social ques he was relearning from his new friends. His nightmares were still intense and left him more often than not silently shaking and covered in sweat, Steve singing to him as he whipped him down with the cool wash cloth. However now when his trance was broken he would hum along with Steve and say thank you afterwards before stating that he was not ready to return to sleep. Instead he would go to the gym, take a bath or would watch a movie, sometimes with Steve’s company and sometimes alone when he could tell how tired Steve was and insisted that he was fine without his friend’s presence. 

After one of his more toxic night terrors that had taken almost 30 minutes to break out of, he had finally looked up at Steve, eyes refocusing on the familiar face, as tears streaked down his cheeks, lips trembling.

“Steve?” Bucky asked with a choked whisper.

“Yea Buck,…. It’s me,….. your safe pal.” Steve spoke the reassurance softly, those words so frequent they almost felt scripted.

“I want to go home Stevie……. I’m tired of fighting.” Bucky whispered as if it was a shameful secret, blinking a few stray tears from his eyelashes. Steve’s heart clenched as he recalled those exact words and when the Sargent had spoken them during the war. It had been almost three months after the Captain had liberated the 107th from the Hydra weapons facility in Arezzo Italy and Bucky had refused to talk about what he had been subjected to in Zola’s lab. His nightmare’s were constant but he would simply turn away from Steve once he snapped out of his dissociative state, grumbling that the Captain should leave him alone and go back to sleep. However on that chilly winter night, tear streaked face visible in the moon light from outside the tent, Sargent Barnes, the hardened POW who had been deliberately shutting his friend out and masking his fear and exhaustion during the day with humor and at night with stubborn determination, finally broke. The Captain had let out a shattered breath and pulled his best friend into his arms, letting Bucky, a scared kid from Brooklyn sob in his arms, breaking down as he had never seen him do before and would never see him do again.  
Steve took a deep breath as he focused on the present and on the man that was looking up at him with that same trembling pout, eyes wet and expression pleading. The difference was now Bucky’s fear was gone, and in it’s place resigned acceptance and emotional fatigue. He was not on the verge of breaking down and sobbing desperately in his best friend’s arms, but his words where the same and the meaning was still clear.  
“I know pal,…… You have been so brave Bucky,……. I know your tired.” Steve offered with a sad smile as he used his thumb to whip his friend’s tear stained cheeks. The Captain swallowed the lump in his throat, unsure what else to say as he kept his own compassionate gaze locked with his friend’s half lidded, glassy eyes.

“I want to see my mother Steve,…. And Katie?….. I want to go home!” Bucky stammered and his voice broke slightly as fresh tears ran down his cheeks. He used his own flesh hand to press Steve’s warm palm into the side of his face as he closed his eyes and rolled onto his side closer to his friend’s reassuring presence. Steve had stopped sleeping in Bucky’s bed now that the Sargent had mostly chosen to stay awake after his nightmares but tonight Steve knew that his comfort was needed, his familiarity and solid presence was a life line for Bucky who was clearly feeling the loss of his life before stronger than ever now that he was remembering his family.

“I’m sorry Bucky,…. I miss them too!..... I miss Brooklyn, and my mom, and your family and everything we left behind…… I miss our home.” Steve sighed, his chest tight as he finally admitted just how lost he too felt in this new century, detached from the people and places that had helped shape the man he was. He had been so lonely and resentful the first few months after they brought him out of the ice and now, a few years later, that pain of loss had not gone away but had just been swallowed down so that he could focus on being useful, on serving others to fill that void. He kept his chin up and his shoulders set but he still felt that longing, that desire to close his eyes and go back in time to when everything made more sense and felt like home.

The Captain sighed again and wiped his face with his free hand as he shifted his body to lay down, facing his friend who was still pressing his wet check into Steve’s warm, calloused palm.

“Even though I miss them, I miss our lives from back then, our past,….. I am still so thankful that at least I have you Bucky,……. Even when I had nothing…… I have always had you,……. And you will always have me too Buck,……. You will always have a home with me,….. you’re not alone,….. Cuze I am with you…..” Steve swallowed and before he could finish the line Bucky’s eyes fluttered open, tired and needy, lip still in a pout.

“Till the end of the line Stevie?” Bucky asked softly as he breathed out his own quivering sigh, finding comfort in the mantra of their friendship that Steve had used to first spark his friend’s recognition and break him away from the cold, detached world of the Winter Soldier.

“Yea Buck,….. Till the end of the line.” Steve made the familiar promise as he used his other hand to card through Bucky’s long locks of hair soothingly, his friend’s eyes blinking shut in exhaustion as they both fell back asleep, comforted by the knowledge that at least with each other, they could have a piece of home.


	10. Mission Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Sorry for the delay y’all, been super busy and this is a long chapter. Get ready for the Angst roller coaster to take off.

When two full months had past and Maria Hill made it clear that a detailed status report and update was again needed, it was Mr. Tony Stark and Dr. Bruce Banner accompanied by Agent Romanoff who went to SHEILD, prepared to explain the tremendous progress made by Hydra’s former Asset. Captain America had almost lost his temper at the last meeting and stated emphatically that he didn’t want any of SHEILD’s doctors coming anywhere near his recovering friend who still became tense with silent fear at the mention of the word lab or examination. He had visited both Tony and Bruce’s labs numerous times but the Avengers had begun to refer to them as workshops and Bruce never wore a white coat, mindful of the crippling anxiety that triggered Bucky into shutting down and forcing himself to become blank and empty, compliant without real consent.  
It was because of his steady progress towards self- actualization, that the trauma of Bucky’s time with Hydra was only now really registering on an emotional level for the man who had been dehumanized and objectified for so long that he had hardly knew how to feel anything at all. It had taken weeks for Bucky to even understand what it meant to like or dislike something let alone voice his preference. Similarly he was still learning how to identify and come to terms with the intense and extreme emotional reactions he was experiencing from the constant tidal wave of new memories. Love and Hate, Anger and Happiness, Fear and Comfort, were all terms he was now familiar with but still had to conceptualize and decipher how they related to his memories from before as well as his present. The Avenger’s encouraged him to own these powerful and confusing feelings instead of dissociating as Hydra had conditioned him to do. This process of identifying and experiencing his strong emotions added to his inner turmoil and the constant struggle to reclaim himself and break free from Hydra’s programming.   
In one such incident only a day before the briefing was scheduled with SHEILD, Bucky had been doubled over in a fit of laughter about something he could not even explain and then just as suddenly he began to gasp for air in panic, his eyes dilated and frantic as he shook, clinging to Steve who had crouched next to him with a blanket to ground him. The laugher turned panic attack was still unexplained and the Soldier’s inability to identify the source or express his thought process caused him distress which intern blossomed into anger and frustration causing him to become irritable. Several hours of brooding and three destroyed punching bags had escalated when Steve tried to suggest a bath and Bucky shoved him away then growled at Sam who was standing by the doorway. The Falcon quickly moved out of his way as he excited the gym while muttering Russian curses, glaring at them both. The Soldier had stormed off to go sulk on the roof until the rage had dissipated into sadness and depression bringing the remorseful man into the common area where he collapsed forward onto his knees in front of the Captain begging him for forgiveness. The intensity of the fluctuating emotions added to Bucky’s exhaustion and confusion, leaving him with the unnerving sense of vulnerability and lack of control, feeling bare and exposed like a live wire.  
When Steve had knelt down in front of his contrite friend who had mumbled ‘sorry’ with a quivering breath, Natasha had been nearby with Clint and Sam in the Kitchen. She walked over and garbed a soft Blanket, gently draping it over Bucky’s shoulders as he struggled to regulate his emotions. Steve reached forward and ran his hand through Bucky’s hair as he quietly reassured his friend that he was forgiven and that it was okay to be confused and feel angry, or scared or sad. When Bucky had looked up at Steve, his expression was a torrent of emotions, heavy with stress and fatigue, eyes betraying how lost and hurt he felt. The next words he had spoken in a hushed whisper and they felt like a stab in Steve’s chest drawling a shocked gasp from the Captain.  
“I need my mask Steve,…….please?........It will keep me focused and limit my impulse to behave defiantly……I am out of control,….. I need help.” The words were delivered as a desperate plea from trembling lips beneath large blue eyes that were red rimmed and wet. The Captain felt devastated by the request, unable to give him an answer as he locked his jaw and closed distance pulling Bucky into a hug, shaking his head with his own eyes closed, the others all silently watching with empathetic sighs.   
It was Natasha who had eventually taken the Soldier by his hand and led him over to the couch as Sam and Clint dragged Steve up to his feet, the Captain wiping his face, as he entered the Kitchen with a heavy sigh before leaning forward, hands on the counter and head down. Sam had rest a hand on his back, reminding him that progress was not liner and his friend was not reverting back into the Winter Soldier, he was just struggling with becoming Bucky Barns. Sam and Clint offered reassurance to Steve while Natasha spent several long moments speaking with The Soldier in quiet Russian, able to recognize his pattern of thinking as an Asset and what he needed to feel safe. She understood the security and twisted form of comfort and relief that the mask represented for the man who felt deeply disturbed by his inability to manage the overwhelming feelings that were shattering his sense of control. With a gentle nod, The Black Widow requested Hawkeye bring her a bandana that she carefully tied behind Bucky’s neck, the black cotton soft and breathable. With a compassionate smile she demonstrated how he could pull it up to cover his nose and mouth and then pull it back down around his neck when he was ready. The thankful look and exhausted sigh of relief was almost heartbreaking as she smiled at him and stroked his hair behind his ear before standing up and letting the Soldier cover his lower face, eyes closing as he laid down on the couch curled in his blanket needing to rest.  
Steve had been quietly watching, fists clenched as he glared at the bandana and turned away in resentment shaking his head when Natasha had tied it on to Bucky and helped him cover his nose and mouth. One Super Soldier dealt with, another to console as she grabbed Steve by his hand and lead him out of the Common area with Clint and Sam following behind. With an assertive tone, she calmly explained to Captain America why the Winter Soldier wanted his mask and how it helped the former Asset who was afraid of his own thoughts and feelings now that he was free to remember and was not ordered to obey. Natasha patiently explained to Steve Bucky’s need to feel a sense of control and how terrifying it was for him to not only break away from his Hydra programming but to experience the onslaught of raw emotions and new memories that were wreaking havoc within his fragmented mind. He was struggling to understand who he was and why he felt and thought the way he did along with the added pressure he put on himself to make Steve happy and proud of him. He was falling apart and shattering from the inside out. As painful and frightening as it was for the recovering POW, The Winter Soldier had to be dismantled if Bucky Barnes was going to break free from Hydra’s programing. However, during this internal battle for self-identity and understanding, the man caught in between these two personas was petrified and overwhelmed, desperately needing comfort and security. The mask was an external device that was symbolic of control, allowing him to hid behind it and maintain a calmness that he was unable to achieve on his own. Natasha compared it to the Captain’s shield and insisted that giving Bucky the ability to cover up or take it off on his own was going to help him feel protected against his own uncontrolled emotional reactions. His battle was internal while Steve’s was external but both required a type of cover for defense and protection.  
The Captain had reluctantly excepted Natasha’s explanation and although it was disturbing and uncomfortable, he agreed to accept Bucky’s need to wear the mask when he chose to and not question him or express his distain. It was hard for Steve to sit next to his friend with a carefully plastered smile as they watched a movie from the 1940’s in their private living room. The Captain would steel side glances at his silent friend who was intently watching the film, lower face covered by the bandana and hands in his lap. He had not spoken a word since the day before, communicating only with nods or shaking his head. Steve let out a deep sigh, trying to swallow back his frustration when he noticed Bucky turn toward him, eyes looking sacred and vulnerable, wet without tears. Steve’s expression crumbled and he reached his hand forward to stroke Bucky’s hair. He wanted to ask Bucky what was wrong but he also didn’t want him to feel pressured into removing the mask to speak. Steve’s indecision added to his frustration and his honest face betrayed his thoughts too well. After a moment the Soldier looked away with a small sigh and then hesitantly lowered the Bandana from his face before turning back towards Steve, eyes lowered.  
“I am sorry Steve,……. I am failing to become James Buchanan Barnes…… I have been reviewing source material to better understand the character traits and personality of my former identity, but,……. I have not achieved my mission objective……. Please tell me what I need to do…….. I am having difficulty integrating the knowledge I have recovered into my base line protocols for desired social interactions…… Tell me how to procced…… I want to be your friend Steve.” Bucky’s voice was soft, full of self-doubt and humility as if he was ashamed for causing Steve discomfort. The Captain let out a heavy breath and shook his head using his hands to lift Bucky’s face.  
“You are not failing to become Bucky,…. You are Bucky,…… you are just recovering,….. and learning how to feel like a person again and not an Asset….. You are doing nothing wrong,…… I am so proud of you Buck,…..I just want you to be happy and feel okay,….. don’t worry about trying to be my friend because you are,…. You are my best friend Buck.” Steve’s throat grew tight and he wrapped an arm around his friends shoulders and kissed the top of his brunette scalp. “We’re okay Bucky,……You are doing fine Pal…… We are here to help you become whoever you feel comfortable being….. I promise I will help you in any way I can.” Steve reassured as he felt Bucky leaning heavily against him, his body still tense as he pressed himself into the embrace as if Steve’s touch could fix his broken mind.  
It was later that evening when Jarvis announced that Tony, Bruce and Natasha had returned from their Briefing with Fury and Hill. Steve had been in the Gym with Sam while Clint and Bucky were in the shooting range.  
Mr. Stark has extended an invitation to the residents of this tower to join him in his workshop to demonstrate some recently discovered stealth and cloaking technology acquired by SHEILD.  
“Thank you Jarvis……Tell him we are on the way.” Steve exhaled as he finished doing his tenth rep of twenty pull ups.

“Man why the hell do you even work out anyway? Doesn’t the serum just keep your muscles toned?..... Look at you, you haven’t even broken a sweat!” Sam huffed as he wiped his face with a towel glaring at the Captain’s smirk.  
“You’re right Sam,…. But it’s a good release of pent up energy and besides,…… figured you could use the encouragement.” Steve grinned back as Sam rolled his eyes. As they headed into the hall way they were joined by Clint and Bucky, the Archer rambling to the silent Soldier about why he preferred his arrows to bullets as Bucky kept his head down, bandana over his face as he listened. Steve’s jaw twitched at the sight of his friend’s submissive body language and mask but snapped out of his scowl as he felt Sam’s elbow to his ribs, the VA counselor shooting him a poignant look. Steve nodded in comprehension and forced himself to smile again as they greeted the two snipers.  
“Hey guys good shooting?’ Sam asked casually, his eyes scanning the Soldier then over to Barton who shrugged and nodded.  
“Not bad, Sargent Barnes has some suggestions on how to improve the recoil of Stark’s latest refile,” Hawkeye offered as he glanced comfortably over toward Bucky, seemingly unconcerned by his masked face and lowered eyes.  
“Yea?” Steve asked a little too excited, swallowing down his urge to ask more as he caught Clint and Sam’s looks. The Soldier looked up at Steve, obviously aware that the Captain wanted him to speak but unable to bring himself to lower the mask. He simply looked away and nodded, his hair covering his pensive eyes, fists clenched.  
“Great,….. well lets go see what new tech SHEILD handed over,….. and why would they give it to Stark anyway?” Sam asked as they all turned to walk down the corridor toward the elevator.  
“Whenever SHEILD uncovers new tech from enemy combatants they have always asked a Stark to analyze and consult. Use to be Howard and once Fury was more comfortable with Tony he started bring him in as well.” Clint offered. “Usually Stark Industries is cutting edge but if there is something they haven’t invented yet then Tony will figure out how to make improvements on the design and repurpose it for SHEILD operations. It’s how we stay ahead of the game.”  
As they entered the elevator Bucky raised his head slowly, brows furled in concentration as he rubbed his temple with his flesh hand. He looked up at Barton with an intense stare who met his gaze with a raised eyebrow. The Soldier then looked over to Sam and Steve, before pulling the bandana down, speaking with a question in his voice as he studied their faces.  
“The Arms Race?” Bucky offered without being sure what he was asking. The others looked at him with surprise.  
“The Nuclear Arms race between the USSR and the United States?” Hawkeye prodded, interested to see what the Soldier was remembering. Bucky looked at Clint with a thoughtful expression before nodding once, his stiff, hunched posture changed as his body visibly relaxed. He shifted and looked away before a humorless smirk appeared with a huff of bitter laughter as Bucky shook his head and leaned back against the elevator with his arms crossed over his chest, biting his lip in thought before looking them all in the eye with a casual shrug.  
“It was a game……A Chicken fight between the two Global powers……… Hydra had military strategist and political council members on both sides, whispering to Kennedy and Khrushchev that they had to close the missile gap….. providing intelligence that supported the other side having more fire power and plans to use it…..They had a party in Cuba, celebrating the Crisis.” Bucky sneered in disgust as he shook his head again. Steve blinked as he looked at the Soldier who had suddenly become Sargent Barnes, slipping into the accent and body language without conscious thought. The fact that he was remembering something from his past with Hydra but was relating the memory as Bucky and not the Asset was a new step and Steve was excited but with straining himself to hear what Bucky was trying to explain.  
“You were in Cuba?” Sam asked with interest, doing a better job of not showing a reaction to Bucky’s sudden shift in personality.  
“Yea,……..They wanted to show me off to Castro,……Had me take care of a few of his political prisoners…..demonstrate the strength of the arm….” Bucky’s tone turned sour and he grimaced looking away, jaw clenching as he swallowed. The others shared a look before Barton spoke up, wanting to keep the conversation flowing before Bucky became withdrawn again.  
“And when the Crisis was deescalated and they removed the missiles from Cuba and Turkey?” Clint asked as he rubbed the back of his neck.  
“That Hotline,… the Washington-Moscow Direct Communication Link,…it was the leaders trying to cut through all the Hydra bullshit and propaganda to set things straight…… Hydra was pissed,……The Russian and American heads were blaming each other for their failure to ensure the crisis would result in war….” Bucky let out a sigh as he shook his head again with the sad twist of a smile beneath resentful eyes as he looked past the others to a spot on the wall, hands tightening into fists. “They decided to settle it with a coin toss,…… Heads,… Kennedy was taken out, tails Khrushchev……. America lost,……..And I was given a mission.” Bucky swallowed and his brow crumpled as he blinked rapidly and looked down taking a quivering breath as his expression once more became a forced blankness, the persona of the Winter Soldier taking over to disassociate from the guilt Bucky was obviously effected by.  
“Mission status, completed.….Objective: termination of assigned target, President John F. Kennedy during Motorcade in Dallas Texas, Kill shot at 12:26 pm on November 22, 1963.” The Soldier reported, exhaling another deep breath before slowly pulling his bandana back up to cover his lower face, eyes locked on the ground and body once more becoming tense, all traces of Sargent Barnes vanishing once more as Hydra’s Asset stood submissively awaiting instruction.  
There was nothing to say, no words of comfort or reassurance, just numb acceptance and tempered grief. Steve let out a deep sigh as Sam patted his back and Clint whistled with wide eyes and a baffled expression. The doors opened and Steve remained frozen in place with a look of despair as he stared at his best friend. Sam looked at Clint who gave him a gesture with his head and the Counselor nodding back.

“Common Bucky,….lets go look at Stark’s new toys.” Sam sighed as he patted the silent Soldier on the back and gently guided him out of the elevator and toward the workshop. The Asset glanced up at Steve’s forlorn expression and he instantly sucked in a breath and turned away with a flinch, aware that his disclosure of a past mission had caused the reaction.

Steve watched his friends walk away before turning to face Barton who rest a hand on his shoulder with a serious look.  
“We can’t tell Fury!..... Nobody can find out Clint they will lock him away,……we can’t….” Steve’s frantic plea was interrupted by Barton’s shake of his head, hand patting Steve’s shoulder.  
“Relax Cap,…… I am almost positive they already know,…. Natasha has been decrypting Hydra files with Jarvis help for weeks now and she already uncovered a list of kill orders and missions the Winter Soldier was assigned when still controlled by Hydra’s Soviet branch…… Nobody is going to bring any of this to the Feds or any other legal branch,……I told you Cap,… we got your back and his.” Clint offered a soft smile at Steve’s harsh exhale and concerned expression. The Captain nodded his head and wiped his face.  
“Yea,…okay,…. Thanks Clint,…….. I just,….. God,…it’s like even as he gets better and acts more like himself he has to deal with realizing what they made him do,… and,….. he just goes right back into his shell,….. puts that damn mask back on and hides.” Steve grimaced with another shake of his head. “It was terrible to find out about Howard and Maria,…… and now a United States President!?!?” Steve let out another sigh as he took a step out of the elevator with Hawkeye at his side. As they approached Tony’s workshop or, as Pepper referred to it, his Playroom, Steve took another calming breath before quietly confiding in the Archer.  
“Sometimes,………I wish we could just help him forget every awful thing Hydra put him though, take away all those memories of missions and conditioning….Help him become Bucky again without all the pain and fear and guilt.” The Captain swallowed down his own feelings with a forced huff of resentment toward Hydra for tearing his friend apart to build their Asset.  
“There might be a way we could do that Cap,…..Something Furry handed over to Stark for analyses,….. but then the question you gotta ask your self is where do you stop and at what price?.............You said he was already dealing with the trauma and effects of Zola’s experiment during the war,…… do you wipe that away too?......Try to get him back to Bucky pre-Sargent Barnes?...... The Howling Commando’s and whoever else he knew, his life, gone and erased because it would be easier if he didn’t know the truth, didn’t remember what he’s been through?” Clint mused as he shook his. “If it was me Steve,…….And I was given the choice to forget about Loki and the deaths I caused,…..I wouldn’t do it,….. I want to remember my life, the good and the bad,…..because I lived it, Sometimes our own experiences are all we have to keep us in touch with who we are, what we were and who we want to be......Just my thoughts through.” Barton shrugged before stepping through the doorway with a sudden stop, looking worried off to the immediate left of the doorway then back toward Steve. The Captain hesitated, then walked through, his own breath catching as he locked eyes with Bucky who was standing just to the left of the door way, ridged and tense. Their eyes met only briefly before Bucky looked away, gaze diverted but otherwise remaining perfectly still, `bandana `hiding his expression.   
“Bucky…”Steve fixed him with a worried glance, mouth open but unsure what to say before he felt Clint pull on his shoulder.  
“Come on Cap, give him some space.” Hawkeye spoke softly, aware that it was likely Bucky had overheard their discussion. The Captain swallowed again before offering a tentative smile, squeezing his friend’s shoulder who remained completely still.  
“Come over when you’re ready Bucky,……You are part of this team and have a right to know what SHEILD has discovered,…… and maybe you can give some advice too since you know more about Hydra weapons technology then we do.” Steve offered as he tried to sound optimistic and encouraging. He was answered by a single nod, no eye contact. He looked at Barton who nodded and again gestured with his head toward the others that where on the other side gathered around Stark who was loudly exclaiming in excitement about his show and tell.  
The Asset remained still by the door way, his mind spinning as he dissected the meaning of the words he had just overheard. Bucky felt his gut tighten and the Asset sharpened his senses, gaze instantly scanning the room as his body remained still by the door. He saw Steve whisper to Sam who turned around to glance in his direction. Bucky did not meet the Counselor’s watchful gaze and instead continued to look around the room as he deliberately kept his breathing steady despite the dread that was churning in the pit of his stomach.  
*I whish we could just help him forget.*  
Bucky felt his breath hitch as he saw a large machine in the far corner covered by a white sheet.  
*Take away all those memories of missions and conditioning. *  
In his chest, his heart began to pick up pace, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead.  
*Help him become Bucky again.*  
His mouth felt dry and his lungs ached for air. He took a step forward, then another and another as if pulled forward without conscious effort. Off to the far right, distant and distorted over the buzzing in his ears he heard Jarvis warn the others. His flesh hand trembled as he grabbed the white sheet.  
“Wait!....No..nononono……. Buckster don’t…..” Tony’s voice was barley an echo in his ears as his blood pounded and his pulse raced. Bucky pulled the sheet and felt an instant stab of terror rip through his core. With a chocked gasp the POW stumbled back a few feet, knees feeling week but frozen stiff, paralyzed in fear, unable to look away from the painfully familiar Maintenance chair that sat looming with all of it’s computers and monitors threatening to turn on and activate at the flick of a switch. Bucky let out a sound that might have been a mix of a whine and a growl. Head lowering as he squeezed his eyes tight against the torturous image. He felt Steve next to him almost immediately and he had to force himself not to lash out and make a run for it. He would not fight back, he would force himself to comply with whatever the Captain ordered. The Captain was Steve,…. Steve was his friend,….. Steve wanted to help him become Bucky….. He would comply.  
“Buck,….. No,….. Please look at me!..... Common Bucky please,…. I swear it’s not what you think!..... I swear Bucky,… Just,……. Look,… Look at me Bucky Please!” Steve’s desperate plea was an order that would be followed. Bucky opened his eyes and looked up at Steve over the bandana, wet eyes reflecting shattered betrayal that poured out of his expressive gaze. Steve took in a stuttered breath, Bucky’s hurt and terrified silence hitting him like a punch to the gut. The Captain squared his shoulder’s as he put on his most commanding voice.  
“Bucky,……..You don’t have to be afraid,……. We are not going to hurt you!” Steve declared and the Soldier lowered his eyes off to the side as he focused on controlling his panicked breathing.

“Steve,….. lets not tell him how to feel,…… we need to ascertain what he thinks so we can clarify and address his fear!” Natasha interjected as she took a few steps closer. Bucky was motionless with the exception of the small tremors raking his body and his rapid breathing. He kept his eyes off to the side and hid his locked jaw behind the mask.  
.  
‘Sargent Barnes…,,,,,, You know what that machine does?” Sam asked with a calm, non-threating tone as he approached next to Natasha but still several feet away, brow creased in concern as he watched Bucky struggle with control.   
The Asset did not look up but nodded once, jaw twitching and fists clenched at his sides. He did not speak and flinched as Steve gently reached up and pulled down his bandana leaving him bare and exposed.  
“Please Bucky,….. just use you’re words Pal,….. just tell us what you’re thinking.” Steve asked and the Soldier gritted his teeth in anger and frustration but also in despair. He looked over Steve’s shoulder, to the object behind the Captain that dominated most of his night terrors. He swallowed the lump in his dry throat as he made himself speak, he had an order to follow, a command to state his comprehension of the chair’s purpose and why it was required.  
“It is a maintenance chair,……. It helps reset the Asset when he is noncompliant.” Bucky gritted out angrily with more venom then his Hydra conditioning would allow and he felt his gut twisting further, a sick knot of dread cramping his stomach as he closed his eyes again, head hung.   
“Well you are not the Asset Sergeant Barnes,……. And you do not need to be reset for compliance.” Clint stated with a stern tone, receiving a brief glance form the trembling Soldier. Bucky bit his lip and shook his head before sucking in a deep breath, bringing his eyes up to warily meet Steve’s anxious expression. The Captain looked just as miserable as the Soldier and Bucky knew that Steve did not want to cause him pain, but some things were unavoidable.  
“Steve will help me,…. In anyway he can,……..He will help me become Bucky Barnes again by wiping away the Hydra missions and conditioning.” Bucky’s tone was heartbroken, resigned, scared and worst of all. compliant. Steve shook his head back and forth, as he reached out placing his hands on Bucky’s tense and trembling shoulders. Steve felt his gut twist as he heard his own words spoken just moments ago repeated with his reassurances from earlier that very day.  
“No Buck,…… I would never do that to you,……… I would never put you back in that chair, I swear Pal!” Steve’s own voice sounded unsteady, as if he was fighting to keep his own emotions in check. Bucky looked away from Steve with a swallow and a small shrug, forcing a neutral, despondent expression over his face to replace the mask Steve had taken away.  
“I have failed to achieve my mission to become James Buchannan Barnes,….Hydra’s programing has prevented my former persona from becoming dominate,…….The Maintenance Chair has proved effective in stabilizing noncompliant, erratic behavior such as failure to preform mission objectives with adequate efficiency……….The Asset requires maintenance,…..” He looked back up and let out a heavy breath, eyes wet but cheeks dry. “Bucky needs help.” His words were a quite sigh, almost apologetic as he once more hung his head in defeat, fists becoming relaxed at his sides. This was his own fault, and he would accept the consequences for his inadequacy.  
“Bucky!.....” Steve gasped out as he closed distance and pulled his friend into a desperate hug, horrified at his willingness to be subjected to his worst nightmare and the tone of remorse and shame in his voice as he admitted perceived failure. “Never Buck,……… I will never let anyone put you back in that chair!” Steve sighed before taking a step back to study his withdrawn and unresponsive friend. Bucky looked up but could not meet Steve’s eyes, shaking breaths passing through his lips as he tried to block out the swarm of painful memory fragments that flashed before him.  
“I know you heard what I said to Hawkeye,……. But I made you a promise that you were safe here, and no matter how long it takes for you to recover, I will never use that Chair or any other type of machine to hurt you…. Please believe me Bucky!” Steve’s voice was begging and his own eyes shown bright with guilt and pain at the broken and hopeless look on his friend’s face. The Soldier did not look up but simply gave a small nod and stepped back, edging away from Steve and the others. He was exhausted and wanted to hid away, his head was spinning as his own cries of agony echoed in his ears along with the buzz of the electric current. He swallowed back the urge to be sick as he could taste the rubber mouth guard and feel the metal restraints close over his arms. He needed to get away from the chair and from all the eyes that watched him with weary concern. With a soft tone he spoke to the air, fists at his side and dilated eyes fixed on a distant spot on the floor.  
“Permission to be dismissed?” His breath was shaking and he felt like at any moment his knees would give out and he would be sick. Steve sighed heavily and looked over at Natasha and Sam who looked concerned and troubled. The VA councilor simply shrugged and nodded, understanding Steve’s fear that Bucky did not believe them but also aware that to force him to stay in the room a moment longer was cruel and pointless when he was obviously struggling to control himself.  
“Okay Bucky,……… I will come find you in a few hours for dinner,…. Ok?” Steve asked and received a short nod as The Soldier swallowed again and turned abruptly, desperate to flea the room and the sight of the despised Maintenance Chair. They watched him make his quick exit in shared silence that broke when Tony sighed loudly in exasperation.  
“Well Fuck,…. That did not go as planned!” The Mechanic grumbled as he dropped a wrench on the table with a clatter.  
“Why the hell did you bring that chair in here Stark?” Barton asked with his own frustrated tone. He received a glare from Tony who looked around at the others and then to Steve who had his head in his hand, body still facing the door way.  
“We’re going to analyze how it worked,…… try and figure out how they managed to targeted specific area’s of his brain,…. Maybe figure out how to reverse some of the damage.” Tony shrugged.  
“Why can’t we just let his mind heal naturally?......It just takes time!...... He’s not a computer,…. We can’t just rewire him Stark!” Sam huffed and Bruce chimed in before Tony could bark back defensively.  
“His mind is healing Sam but the headaches haven’t gotten any better and the pain they cause from remembering triggers his programing……..He was conditioned to be the Asset through pain, the pain gets in the way of him being able to process his memories and instead he dissociates, reverts back to complacency.” Bruce offered with a helpless shrug.  
“He needs to feel safe if he is ever going to be able to break through the programing,….. and that chair just shattered whatever sense of trust he might have had that we are not going to treat him like Hydra!” Sam gestured toward the chair as Natasha and Barton hovered around it with scrutinizing eyes.  
“He relies on the programing,….. that’s what feels the most normal and safe.” Natasha interjected and the others turned toward her. “He uses the programing to help him feel more in control,….., getting flooded by memory, thoughts and feelings that don’t fit into how the Asset was programed to operate causes him distress, he becomes overwhelmed and that’s why he wanted his mask…… He uses it to trigger his programing and dissociate, becoming the Asset rather than dealing with the thoughts and feelings as Sargent Barnes.” Natasha offered with a calm, clinical tone as she looked down at the leather arm of the chair, eyes taking in the indent from fingers that and gripped hard enough to leave tares and claw marks.  
“The problem is the more he remembers about his life before, the more his mind is at odds with the Hydra programing,…. The cognitive dissidence is likely unnerving at the very least and at times debilitating........ Dissociating is a coping mechanism that was conditioned into the Asset,….. but it is keeping him from confronting the reality of his recovery as Bucky…… And so that is the challenge.” Natasha mused as she looked up and her eyes locked with Steve who had remained silent but was focused on her intently.  
“We have to decide how often he should be allowed to purposely trigger himself into operating as the Asset,…..And when he needs to resist that form of escape and actually feel what he is going through.” Natasha offered. There was a long contemplative silence as the Avengers considered the implications of Natasha’s clinical assessment.  
If you will excuse my interruption Agent Romanoff, I believe I have some information relevant to the current theme of conversation relating to Sargent Barnes’ recovery.

Every one looked up at the ceiling reflexively as Jarvis spoke, with the exception of Tony who was accustomed to the disembodied voice. Tony smirked at them and then addressed his AI.  
“What’s up J?”  
Sargent Barnes has just entered the shower adjusting the temperature to the coldest setting available. He has done this with increasing frequency over the past two weeks and I detect that the pattern of behavior reinforces his conditioning thus allowing him to trigger the Hydra programing.  
Jarvis’ revelation sent a collective look around the room as Steve sighed and threw his hands in the air.  
“Alright,…. So do I order him to only take warm showers then?....... Wont that just reinforce his programed need to follow orders and not make decisions for himself!?” Steve’s tone was beyond frustrated and he was biting back his urge to yell when he knew that his anger should not be directed at his teammates, the people trying to help him.  
“Do we even need to intervene if he isn’t actually hurting himself?...... I mean why can’t he do what he needs to do to feel in control?..... Why take that away from him?..... This guy is being unmade from the inside out and has actually been dealing pretty well considering……. If you start taking away his ability to zone out when he gets overwhelmed then he might start freaking out and go trapped animal mode like he did that first week.” Barton suggested with a shrug.  
“He needs to experience the anxiety and dissidence between the Programing and his actual thoughts and feelings or his personality will continue to operate in duel settings.” The Black Widow stated.   
“Then why give him the mask Natasha?” Steve sighed as he looked at her with a shake of his head.  
“Because it must be done gradually,……the mask offers comfort and he can take it off,….. and you did earlier…… The Cold shower is numbing, reinforcing a need to be willing and able to withstand negative stimuli….. He is getting himself ready for the chair.” Natasha explained and Steve’s face fell.  
“Jarvis turn the water up to 85 degrees and restrict his ability to lower the temperature.” Tony stated as he sat heavily down on his stool.  
Yes Sir   
“There,….. now you didn’t have to order him and he won’t become all Brain Dead Soldier Zombie.” Tony reasoned. Steve sighed and shook his head as he looked away from his teammates.  
“I have no idea how to help him get through this mess,…… How to be supportive and still encourage him to be Bucky without him feeling like he is failing a mission.” Steve gruffed as he looked up at his friends with a defeated shrug and bitter smirk, shaking his head. Natasha walked over toward him and gave him a comforting smile.  
“Just keep treating him as Bucky,…. Even when he is acting like the Soldier,….. and don’t make him feel ashamed for needing the mask and wanting to hid behind it.” She gestured with her head back toward Clint as she smirked. “Birdbrain got one thing right when he said that your friend is falling apart,….. but you have to let him unravel before he can put himself back together. You keep telling him he is okay and not to be afraid,….. but losing your mind is terrifying and he needs to know he has permission to be scared and break down.” Natasha pulled Steve into a hug as the Captain sighed heavily, looking almost as devastated as he had the first time he looked through Hydra’s Winter Soldier files and realized how much his friend had suffered at the hands of his captors.  
“We’ll get there Cap,…… He’s getting through it and we will be here when he gets stuck along the way.” Sam promised as he looked at the Captain who offered an exhausted, halfhearted smile as he stood up from the embrace with a nod. For not the first time that day Steve was grateful to have his teammates, knowing that with out their support and insight, he would feel helpless.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Soldier was in the frigid water, letting the icy chill distract him from the whirl wind of thoughts and feelings that was threatening to bring him to his knees. He was desperate for the relief, his head throbbing as his body shook from the phantom electric shocks as the memory fragments played out, distorted and ugly.  
*He’s erratic, unstable,……. Then wipe him and start over*  
His breathing was slowing as he shivered and forced himself to withstand the cold temperature, but then he felt it warming. He blinked rapidly as he frowned at the high-tech control’s on the tile but it did not change and he felt a sense of despair. He growled in frustration as he punched the control panel with his metal hand and then looked at it in shock as he realized what he had done. He had broken the technology,…… he would be punished,….. no he would not be punished,….. but Steve would be mad,……. No he would be worried and sad,…… he would realize that the Soldier was out of control and needed to be wiped…… Despite what Steve had said, the Asset knew the truth, he was going to be put back in the chair.   
The Soldier leaned his forehead against the tile and swallowed down a sob as he brought his hands up to his hair and began to pull. The Asset would comply, he would comply, he would comply……But Bucky didn’t want to go back into the chair and he was so, so scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: So yea, things are going to get pretty intense from here on out. The Soldier is on the verge of a mental break down but that is what needs to happen if Bucky’s true self is going to be able to take control. Lots of Angst ahead and a warning for a reference to graphic assault during his mission days as Hydra’s Asset.


	11. Make it Stop!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Sorry again for the delay yall. Work sux! Also maybe drop me a review and let me know what ya think?

Everyone sat in awkward tension at the dinner table, making obvious small talk and ignoring how the Soldier sat stiff and unmoving, bandana masking his lower face and eyes staring vacantly at the food in front of him. Steve glanced up at him then at the others with concern.  
“Do you want to try one of these egg rolls Sargent?..... I like dipping them in this orange sauce,….. here” Clint casually grabbed an eggroll from the plate in the middle and dipped it then handed it over to Bucky who slowly looked up at the food, blinking as his eyes focused on it. He swallowed thickly and then extended his hand and took the offered item, pulling his bandana down hesitantly before bringing the eggroll to his mouth. His brow became pensive as he swallowed again and forced himself to open his mouth and take a bite. He chewed and swallowed and then instantly his breath caught and a flash of panic crossed his face.  
“Bucky do you need to be sick?” Steve spoke with hast and the Soldier nodded once, eyes locking with Steve and begging to be given permission to get up. “Ok,… Go to the bathroom.” Steve nodded and Bucky jumped up and ran to the common room lavatory, slamming the door with too much force and splintering the wood.  
“First the shower and now the door,……. Guess we are entering the freak out and break shit stage of recovery!” Tony grumbled as the others rolled their eyes, Sam patting Steve on the back.   
It wasn’t until almost twenty minutes later that the Soldier reemerged but his demeanor was drastically different. He walked back into the living room with an angry and menacing glare but it wasn’t the cold and calculating look of the Winter Soldier, it was Bucky Barnes, angry as hell and wanting to fight. Steve almost did a double take as he opened his mouth but was cut off.  
“Why the hell are you doing this Steve?......... What fucking purpose does this serve!?” Bucky barked with a torrent of emotion in his tear rimed eyes, fists clenched and shaking. Steve was confused and at a total loss for words.  
“Buck…. What?” He began and was startled by a shout of rage.  
“THIS!.......” Bucky opened his hands dramatically at the table and food, glaring at it with contempt.  
“This whole bullshit family dinner crap,…………How the hell can you expect me to just sit here and eat like everything is fine!...... Why are you making me wait!.......... Just fucking wipe me already and stop pretending that you won’t do it!” Bucky demanded with a guttural cry, eyes so full of pain and misery and hatred that Steve’s mouth fell open. It was completely disorienting to have Bucky acting like himself but thinking as the Soldier, and Steve fumbled for a reply.  
“Bucky,… I…. What?...... No,……. No Bucky just listen to me…..” Steve stood up and Bucky stepped forward with a frantic look of pain and desperation.  
“JUST DO IT!....... I CANT JUST SIT HERE AND WAIT,…… Please Stevie,….. Please!” Bucky begged as he grabbed his hair with both hands, breathing increasing.  
“NO!” Steve shouted in exasperation and Bucky froze, eyes wide and venerable, breath caught. Steve sighed and walked up to him using his own hands to pull Bucky’s away from his tangle of hair. “No Bucky,……. I want you to think about this for a minute okay?.........I would never force you to experience that pain ever again,…… I would never do to you any of the terrible things Hydra did to you,…… You know that right?...... You know me Buck,………. I never wanted to hurt you,…… I didn’t want to fight you,……And I have never lied to you!” Steve stated with calm authority as he held both of Bucky’s hands to his own chest, a sincere look on his face as he battled against the grief of seeing his friend so lost and distorted in his thinking. Bucky studied Steve’s face and then smirked and shook his head with a sour expression.  
“You have lied to me before Steve,…… your just bad at it,……. Your eyes are too honest and it gives you away every time,…… it’s why you were always shit at poker,……” Bucky steped back and pulled his hands away as he shook his head. He rubbed his face and glared up at Steve for another long moment.  
“Am I lying now?” Steve asked with calm certainty, the silence tense as the other Avengers watched with apprehension. Bucky bit his lip and looked away and then back at his oldest friend, a man he knew better then he knew himself.  
“I know you don’t want to hurt me Steve,……. But you also hate what I have become,…….. I am Hydra’s fist,….. I’ve killed so many people,……. Our friend,……” Bucky’s voice broke as he thought of Howard, his eyes shooting over toward Tony who sat back with a heavy sigh. Bucky shook his head as his voice choked from guilt and anger and grief. “Hydra destroyed Sargent Barnes and created the Winter Soldier,……. And now you are stuck taking care of the fucked up bastard left behind,…….. Why wouldn’t you want to wipe it all away?............I want you too,…….. I require maintenance……” His voice broke again and just as suddenly, the fire and desperate anger of James Buchanan Barnes was dulled to the quiet and detached voice of the Winter Soldier. His eyes became clouded and his breathing slowed as he lowered his head submissively and stood hunched over. “The Asset is malfunctioning, I am ready to Comply.” The Soldier whispered as he let his fists go loose at his sides and the forced calm of his programing slid into place, preparing him for his inevitable fate.  
“Damit Bucky!....... Stop! Just,……… please,…… stop!” Steve’s frustration and disappointment at seeing him revert back into the Soldier was softened by his desire to comfort his friend, pulling his lowered head onto his broad shoulder as he hugged him with a discouraged sigh. One thing that was true of both James Buchanan Barnes and Hydra’s Winter Soldier was stubbornness, a trait that Steve too shared but at the moment felt disheartened by.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The rest of that evening Bucky had worn the bandana and had not eaten anything. He had remained silent and complacent, following Steve’s lead when he went to bed that evening. The Soldier had laid down on the too soft mattress in his room and stared up at the ceiling with his hands flat at his sides, not resting, just lying still as Steve had whispered good night, turning off the light and shutting the door to give him privacy. He lay there not moving, breathing even and pulse calm as he let his mind wind and turn. He wanted to focus on memories of his past as Bucky but instead all he saw was glimpses of Hydra, missions and conditioning. He was watching the scenes like a movie, not allowing any feelings to filter through, just observing and storing any insight or information he gained.  
“Soldier, how long can you keep your metal hand in the fire”  
“Stupid Question,…… better one is how long can he hold the right one it there!” Laughter. The Asset will keep his hand in the fire until they order him to remove it.  
“Asset, break your fingers on your right hand,….. we need to evaluate how long it takes you to heal now that we added the new Dosage of serum.”  
“Look new guy, we don’t have to explain anything to the Asset, it messes with his programing and gets him asking questions. Just give him the order, understood?” It takes small bones two to three days to heal, the larger ones up to a week.

“Do you think he remembers cryo after he gets out of the chair?”  
“Do you think he remembers the chair after the chair?” A snickering laugh.  
“Oh he remembers,……But he’s such a good boy that he just sits back and takes it every time.”  
“Just like your wife Johnson?”  
“Fuck you Rumlow!,…… at least I got a girl to go home to while your down here with the Man-doll playing hid the stun button you pervert!”  
“Oh yha,……I am the pervert but you’re the one that ordered him to fuck that douche bags wife while he watched before they both got iced.”  
“That was some cold shit!....... Pulls out his dick and then shoots her right between the eyes,….. pants still down!” A howl of laughter.  
“If you didn’t tell him to fix his uniform he probably would have walked out to the van like that,…….. pants around his knees!” More laughter. He is looking at the ground, mind still buzzing from his wipe as he stands complacently letting the technicians and Strike team dress him for a mission.  
“You remember that Soldier?.......... Got you a nice little piece of ass on that mission,…….. don’t say we never did nothing for you,….. fucking brain dead mutt.”   
His stomach cramps and he feels ill as he attempts to ponder why. He knows to ask himself that will go against his programing and cause him more pain but he does it anyway, reasoning that it was important to asses why he felt such a strong aversion to that memory, trying to assess what mission they referenced. He focused and searched his mind until an image came tearing to the surface with intense vividness.  
She was bound and gagged as was the male target, both laying on the floor of the penthouse suite. The Asset stood to the side waiting instruction as a few Hydra officials and strike team members taunted the middle aged couple.  
“None of this would have been necessary Mr. Kendrick, if you had just turned over your research to us when we asked…….. But now,….. you had us tracking you all around the globe,…… changing your names and hiding behind private security,……… But ya know what,…… Even through you wasted our time and money with your little disappearing act,….. we intend to make it worth our while,……. One last little joy for you and the misses before you are escorted from the world of the living………. Asset,……..come over here,………time for you to prove you can still use that rusty old cock of yours………. Lets give the old girl one last thrill huh?”  
Bucky sat up strait with wide blinking eyes, sweat beaded on his forehead and a shuddering gasp of horror.  
The look in her eyes,……… she was begging him not to through the bloody gag in her teeth.  
Bucky pulled his knees in tight, arms hugging them to his chest as he swallowed, the nausea was back, twisting hot like a knife in his gut.  
“Well look at that,……….just dives right in without the fourplay,….. hope she’s not too dry.”  
Bucky was reeling, the memory slicing through any dissociative numbness as he was overwhelmed by the knowledge of what he had done. He wanted to fall back into programing but he couldn’t, he knew now what he had done, why those eyes of hers had gone from panicked with fear to agony and finally vacant when he had put a bullet in her forehead. Sargent Barnes was sickened and disgusted by himself and wanted to get out of his skin,…… wanted to get away from his own body and the deep shame and overpowering guilt.  
With a haggard breath, Bucky got up, stumbling as he left his room in a fog of memory as he heard the laughter in his ears and her gaged sobs from beneath him. It was too much,……it was playing over and over in his mind,…. He wanted it to stop, he wanted to shut his mind off.  
“Look at him go,……. Not too creative but he can keep a pretty relentless rhythm huh Kendrick?,…… Bet the old lady hasn’t been ridden like that in years!”  
Bucky had his hands in his hair, pulling at it as he gasped behind the bandana that was becoming moist and hard to breathe through. His chest felt tight and as he made it into the stair well he pulled off the mask with a gasp, and with it his sweat drenched tee-shirt. He had to make it stop. He was running, as if on auto pilot towards his absolution and his torment. With a cry of uncontrolled anguish, he ripped out the security lock from the door and ignored the siren that wailed along with Jarvis’s constant verbal inquiries. He ran straight for the chair and tore back the sheet, feeling icy dread grip his chest despite the burning need to escape the memory.  
“Rip her shirt Soldier,…. Give that titie a little squeeze with the metal hand, Make her sequel.”  
Bucky felt bile in his throat as he let out another cry that echoed the scream she had wailed in his memory. He had to make it stop. The chair would burn it all away, wipe away all the Hydra filth, all the pain and the anger and the guilt. The Chair,…..The Maintenance chair, it wasn’t working,…. It wasn’t plugged in. FUCK! Bucky felt the rush of adrenalin course through him as his horror and sickness gave way to rage and blind fury. He was screaming and so was she,…. So were all of his victims,…… he saw red and tasted the bile. Everything was loud and all he could do was scream as he began smashing the chair with no control or restraint.  
“Bucky!” Steve yelled as he skidded to a stop in the doorway, dressed in sweats and a tee-shirt. He hesitated for only a moment before charging forward to restrain his friend who was literally tearing the chair apart with both hands, his flesh knuckles bloody with broken glass as he ripped through the hardware, his own shattered cries audible over the alarm ringing. Steve tried to grab his arms but the Soldier resisted and through him back where he landed straight into Ironman who was already suited up.

“Jarvis kill the alarm and seal the exits of this hall way.” Tony ordered as he set Steve back down.  
The other Avenger’s are entering now and the hall way will be secured.  
“Bucky, Stop!” Steve shouted as he once more advanced but had to dodge as a piece of the chair was hurled his way.  
“Holy Shit!” Clint surmised as he appeared in the door way, Natasha and Sam right behind him.  
“Bucky,…….: Steve tried again but felt Natasha grip his arm and shake her head.  
“He’s too dangerous right now Steve,….. he’s out of control!” The Widow warned as Clint aimed the most recently modified tranquilizer gun at the man who was attacking the remnants of the Maintenance Chair. Bucky was destroying the machine with savage viciousness and singled minded determination as angry, guttural cries tore from his throat. He didn’t feel the dart as it landed, unaware of anything but the burning rage and fury that coursed through him. It wasn’t until almost a minute later that he felt the effects, struggling to lift his arms and crying out with strangled desperation. His knees buckled, and his angry growing became a defeated whimper, finally slumping onto the electric pile of twisted metal and broken glass, blood from his right hand smeared on his bare chest as he collapsed shaking.  
Steve was there instantly, pulling him away from the remains of the smoldering chair, wires exposed and sparks sizzling as Bucky began to cry, choking on quiet sobs as the helpless feeling consumed his fragmented mind, his body was heavily sedated but still throbbing with pain and not completely paralyzed like before, just heavy. Steve gently cradled him, pushing the sweat soaked locks of hair out his tear streaked face as he tried to calm his panicked friend.  
“Bucky,….. breathe,…..look at me pal,….. look at my face!” Steve ordered as Sam crouched down on the right side. Tony stepped out of his suite and was joined by a startled Banner as they observed the damaged chair. Clint and Natasha hovered nearby but out of the way.  
Bucky was sobbing, crying not like a wild, panicked animal, his guttural screams now replaced by almost silent gasps as he looked up at Steve with tremendous pain and guilt, unable to stop the onslaught of tears. He was shaking as he panted between broken sobs, heart still racing even as the adrenalin was overpowered by the sedative that made his senses blurry but not enough to dull the ache of shame and self-hatred that had exploded with in him.  
“I…. broke the chair Steveie………” Bucky sputtered as he sobbed again, cradled protectively in Steve’s embrace.  
“And his hand too I think.” Sam sighed as he carefully held the battered flesh arm, examining the discolored swelling along the knuckles that were dripping blood. The Paratrooper’s comment brought the Dr. over to crouch down with his scanner, handling Bucky’s hand with the same tender compassion.  
“Didn’t I tell you people,….. Break Shit and Freak Out!......No more quiet, docile little frost bite,….. Now we get to deal with the full on avalanche of repressed pain and needless destruction!......And right after we just told Fury what a good boy you have been Tinman!” Stark’s attempt at levity fell flat as he looked from the smoldering wreckage down to Bucky’s trembling form shielded in Steve’s arms, the Captain glaring daggers up at him.  
“I’m sorry,…..please,……I’ll be good,….I won’t fight back…I’m sorry….” Bucky choked on his desperate plea, panic and fear flashing in his wet eyes as he looked from Steve to Tony with intense anxiety. “Don’t send me away please,…..Please!” Bucky’s voice was small and broken, the pitiful sight brought collective heartache from the others.  
“It’s alright Buck,………. Just try to breathe. I will never send you away, I am here with you Bucky I promise!......You will be okay pal. The chair can’t hurt you now.” Steve reassured, feeling his own throat tighten as he looked back up and shook his head at Tony who offered an apologetic sigh and shrug before looking thoughtfully at the ruined tech, eyebrows pensive.  
“No,…..No Steve I need it,…… It wasn’t working and I…… I don’t know how,…….Please,….. please I need it,…. I can’t…… I can’t…..” Bucky’s desperate words were whispered and choked with tears but audible enough for the others to hear.  
“What do you mean Bucky?....... What do you need,……I can help you just tell me.” Steve felt his own exhaustion and grief weighing heavy and obvious in his voice. Bucky’s face was contorted and he closed his eyes against the constant flow of tears as he tried to roll into his friend but his muscles were too compromised by the tranquilizer that was less potent then before but just as effective.  
“It has to stop,…. I can’t……..her eyes,…….. they were all laughing,…… I hate them,….. I hate them all,….. I hate what they made me do……. I am a monster Steve!” Bucky’s voice was more broken and hysterical then Steve had ever seen him, and the other Avenger’s remained quiet as they bared witness to what everyone knew was bound to happen, Sargent Barnes was finally having a breakdown, his memories and the emotional baggage they carried too powerful for the Hydra programing and without it, he was left stripped bare, his desperate cries raw with fear and pain, guilt and anger.  
“Buck,….. You’re not a monster,…… None of it was your fault!..... You hear me Sargent?” Steve demanded, feeling the lump in his throat growing.  
“I need it,…. Steve,… please,…please you were right,……. Just wipe it all away,…….. I won’t fight,……. I will comply,…. I…… Fuck,…..I can’t……” Bucky was crying harder, feeling completely helpless and vulnerable, in so much desperate pain and confusion that he was pleading as if he was being tormented by Hydra. The Asset’s programing filtered through Bucky’s terror and disorientation as he lost his struggle to form words. It was all too much and he was completely overwhelmed, mind fragmented beyond rational thought. The sheer intensity of his raw emotions fueled the chaos between the Asset’s conditioning to be submissive, to comply so that the could pain stop and Sargent Barnes’s natural instinct to resist and fight back with every ounce of strength he could no matter the odds.   
Steve, hugged him tighter, enveloping his body around his friend as he took his own shaking breath, wet eyes looking up at Bruce and Sam. “Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop….” Bucky’s muffled plea was slurred together but the message was clear.  
“He wants to get wiped by the chair again,…. But he smashed it to smithereens.” Tony sighed, obviously just as emotionally impacted by the day’s events as the others, his voice tired and mumbled.  
“He wants the pain to stop,…… and the confusion,…….He’s hurting and he’s frightened.” The Widow’s voice was soft and gentle as she heard another muffled cry escape from the broken Soldier. “It has been…..difficult for the Winter Soldier, to understand the context and feelings associated with memories as James Buchanan Barns because it challenges his programing and causing him distress…..Now however, as he is rebecoming Bucky, he is faced with his recent past as Hydra’s Asset, what they did to him,…what they made him do,….. and that realization must be truly devastating,.. He just wants it to all go away.” Natasha knelt down next to Steve as she leaned her head on the Captain’s shoulder and stroked the back of Bucky’s hair, his face buried in Steve’s torso, shuddering with unrelenting sobs. Clint was handing Bruce his medical kit and the Doctor winced as Sam took out the tweezers and began removing the shards of glass from the Soldier’s bloody and bruised flesh hand. They were silent for a long stretch as Bucky kept his tear streaked face hidden against Steve’s abdomen, metal hand clutching the Captains T-shirt in his fist. Steve felt sick and heartbroken as he held his shattered friend in his protective arms, mouth in a deep frown and eyes intently watching as Sam removed the splintered shards of glass while Bruce used antiseptic to clean away the blood. It was Natasha who broke the silence as she began to sing, low and soft, a Russian lullaby while still running her fingers through Bucky’s hair, the Soldier quietly trembling in the Captain’s strong and secure embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Lots of Bucky angst to come. The Soldier is having a mental breakdown but that will help Bucky have his break threw!


	12. Sink or Swim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: This story gets a little darker and more twisted then my other stories but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. We see a lot more of Steve stressing out in the next few chapters. Basically I like to think that in some ways Steve knows Bucky better then anyone else including Bucky at the moment, and so he knows how to be there for him as a friend,.... but Steve is not an expert on PTSD, or any of the related Psychological trauma and physiological issues related to Bucky's recovery and that’s where the other Avengers come in and can help him by being supportive. Steve is feeling at a loss right now on how to help him without putting too much pressure on him. Thank you again for the reviews!

After Bucky had finally succumb to his own emotional fatigue aided by the sedative and Sam had finished removing the shards of glass from his flesh arm, Steve had carried his unconscious friend into Bruce’s med lab where he was fitted with a temporary cast to protect the healing bones in his shattered hand. Steve had stood off to the side in silent grief and contemplation with Natasha by his side as Sam assisted Bruce. Eventually when there was no reason to continue monitoring the still figure Steve allowed himself to be lead away, returning to his own room as had the others despite his racing mind. He was wary and tired down to his bones and yet the voice within his head that always urged him to fight and make things right was relentless and irritatingly futile. He wanted to help Bucky, he needed to, and yet he was at a total loss, feeling conflicted and uncertain. Steve huffed bitterly at his own feelings of inadequacy as he conceded that he was just as confused and desperate as Bucky, unsure what actions to take that would alleviate his friends tremendous suffering. Despite Bucky’s plea to wipe away his tortuous memories of Hydra, he knew Clint was right and that Bucky needed to remember and come to terms with himself. Steve also understood that his closest friend was not thinking clearly and was too compromised with emotional turmoil and pain to really know what he needed to best recover and that responsibility and duty should rest on the Captain’s shoulders. But the problem was Steve was just as lost as Bucky and almost as emotionally devastated. The Captain recognized that his own feelings of hate and anger at what Hydra had done to Bucky was not well hidden and that it only fueled Bucky’s own self-hatred and grief, adding more shame to his fragile and fragmented sense of identity.   
The Captain hung his head and rubbed his face as he sat hunched over on his bed in the early morning dawn, his chest tight with gnawing guilt, imagining how much worse Bucky must feel and cursing his inability to “make it stop.” Those were the words his friend had sobbed as a broken mantra, a desperate plea for relief from the torment of becoming himself again. It was the unforgiving agony of self-awareness that had been slowly growing as the Asset’s programing faltered and Bucky realized just how much evil Hydra had forced him to endure and to inflict upon others. James Buchanan Barnes had always been a good man, someone who stood up for the little guy and wanted to protect anyone weak or defenseless from the cruelty of others. It had been the common thread that first brought the two Brooklyn boys together as friends, only Steve had been the little guy and Bucky often his defender. Now with the roles reversed Steve knew that whatever pain or fear Bucky had been struggling with would be compounded by an intense sense of guilt and remorse that would feed into self-hatred.   
Steve knew Bucky better than the Captain had known Sargent Barnes, the man he fought side by side with during the War. The Sargent had been hardened by battle and his time as a pow, more closed off, less willing to talk to Captain Rodgers, his commanding officer. But Bucky, a tough but sensitive kid from Brooklyn had always confided in his best pal Stevie. They had both shared moments of tremendous joy and sorrow, comradery and comfort. Bucky had been there to help Steve calm his wheezing breaths and wipe his bloody noise after a fight, when tears of anger and frustration shone brightly in his eyes as he shoved Bucky away with resentful, sour remarks. Bucky had never gotten angry, never given up on the too feisty and headstrong boy who would later sheepishly apologize and thank him for being there. Bucky had always been there for Steve, when his mother had died, when he was low on cash or just needed reassurance and a self-esteem boost. Bucky was constant and Steve, well Steve had sometimes been too caught up in the big picture to realize when Bucky was hurting or needed his friend but had instead relied on Bucky to be strait and honest with him, demanding Bucky tell him what was wrong if the other tried to pretend he like was fine. Steve had offered a shoulder to cry on and a voice or reason the few times drink and an Irish temper had gotten Bucky riled up and ready to be reckless. Or when Bucky had taken a bad beating from his father in order to protect his mother and younger sister. Together they were two sides of the same coin, keeping the other in balance and confirming their sense of self-worth.  
Everything was different now but so much the same. They still mirrored each other, but neither one recognized their own reflection and both were feeling completely worthless, as if the very creation of the Winter Soldier was their fault together because they had both failed to keep Bucky safe from Hydra and thus were responsible for the countless lives he unwittingly destroyed. Steve knew rationally that it wasn’t true and that to let those thoughts gain ground would be self-defeating and ultimately pointless. He also knew that if he was struggling this hard to combat depression and the hollow feeling of despair, he could only imagine how truly awful Bucky must be feeling and the hopeless it must seem.   
Steve swallowed down his growing anxiety as he considered the few times he had seen Bucky’s contempt and anger turn inward and his tendency to become self-destructive. Bucky had gotten drunk and angry before, taking out his temper in ways that would only hurt himself like picking fights and Steve would have to intervene. Steve had kept him safe and calmed him down when he wanted to kill his father, angry tears pouring down his face. Or when he had found out why his little sister Katie had thrown out her torn, stained blouse after a boy named Billy Mc Donough had not taken no for an answer after a school dance. The Captain also remembered Bucky as a grown man dealing with the aftermath of his unspoken trauma as a POW, how hard he hit the flask, eyes dilated and unfocused as tremors rippled through him by the camp fire. What was far worse if less frequent during those days was how the Captain would wake up alone in their tent only to find Bucky standing on the very edge of a Clift with a distant look in his eyes, body tense as if he might jump, a thought he would never outright admit too. Steve had pulled him away from a ledge more than once and confronted him about his drinking but Sargent Barnes would not or could not talk to Captain America, offering either superficial reassurances or defensive mutters as he avoided eye contact. The open and honest boy he had always been in Brooklyn was silenced by the closed off and secretive Sargent Barnes who would simply shake his head, haunted gaze lowered and off to the side when asked what was wrong, why he was pushing his best friend away. And now he was the Winter Soldier and everything was even more complicated and hard to decipher.  
Steve groaned as he stood up strait and stretched, deciding to take a long run to clear his muddled mind followed by a hot shower that could perhaps relax him enough to get a few hours of sleep if he was lucky. The Captain changed into gym shorts and a tee-shirt despite the chill morning air and was startled out of his pensive thoughts when the elevator door opened and Sam stood waiting in sweats, ready to join him on the run.  
“How did you know…?” Steve began but Sam just shrugged and pointed to the ceiling.  
“Asked Jarvis to wake me up when you were ready for a run,….. Figured you might want some company,….. but if you’d rather be alone…” Sam offered with a question in his tone and a look that suggest he would not push but that he really thought Steve needed a friend to lean on. Steve offered a heartfelt smiled and shook his head as he clasped Sam’s shoulder.  
“I really don’t know what I would do without you Sam,…..You just,…..” Steve’s words tapered off and he swallowed down his emotion, feelings running close to the surface after so much drama from the day before. For the first time in the two months since first bringing Bucky to the Avenger’s tower, Steve felt a deep sense of hopelessness and despair, feeling completely powerless to end Bucky’s immense suffering. It was a feeling he had not been so defeated by since the dreadful day when he first failed to save his friend from falling to his presumed death. The reality of his fate much worse.   
They ran for almost an hour, Steve lapping Sam almost six times until both men were panting and Sam pointed at a bench in the park overlooking the water. Steve sat down with a heavy sigh as Sam joined him passing him a large bottle of water, both men looking straight out at the slowly rising sun in the early morning skyline barley breaking over the buildings. After a few minutes of deep breaths Sam turned to look at Steve’s pensive pout with a considering gaze before he spoke in a calm and relaxed voice.  
“How you holding up Man?” Sam asked and he was answered by another sigh and a shrug of the Captain’s shoulders as he kept his eye sight on the water. “Common Steve,…….I know these past few months have been tough on you, hell they have been tough for all of us….. But what has happened in just the past two days,…….. Bucky asking for the mask even as he is making so much progress, breaking through the conditioning and programing, learning how to feel and than,……… bam,…… that Fucking Chair!” Sam sighed as he shook his head. “In a way it pushed him to the brink, forced him to confront his fear of the chair despite his programed obedience….. and that cognitive dissidence also brought to the forefront a lot of twisted memories that the Asset had probably just accepted as normal, but Bucky knows are horrible.” The VA councilor was reflective, considering how truly complicated the Sargent’s motivations and distorted logic must be, comparing them to cases he had studied about veterans who had confessed to committing war crimes during Vietnam. “I still think it was a dumb ass move to bring that thing into the tower but Stark and Banner could have at least kept it in a restricted lab where Barnes wouldn’t have seen it.” Sam grunted to himself. “For two of the smartest guys on the planet they sure do make some dumb ass decisions and use pretty questionable judgment!” Sam looked at Steve again who hung his head slightly with a bitter smirk.  
“The Maintenance Chair,……..It makes me sick even thinking about it.” Steve whispered with a grimace. “And the look in Bucky’s eyes,…… he was so scared but also,….. so accepting,…….willing to be subjected to one of the things he fears most because he thought I wanted,…… he thought I would make him,…… that he needed to be wiped clean because his recovery was taking too long.” Steve swallowed down his choked, stuttered words, Sam nodding as he rested a comforting hand on Steve’s shoulder, encouraging him to open up and deal with just how hard this had been for him and not just for Bucky. “But then after he destroyed it,….. I could tell he was so lost,…… so conflicted and the guilt,……. God Sam Bucky has been through a lot,… we both have even before the war and during it too,….. but I have never seen him so,……..He’s so broken,….. and I can’t do anything to fix him!” Steve let out a deflated breath, and hung his head, shoulders slumped. Sam sighed and shook his head as he squeezed Steve’s shoulder.  
“You can’t fix him Steve,…… nobody can fix what happened,…… All we can do is help him learn how to deal with it,……. Helping him understanding how to put all the pieces together is hard,……especially when some of those pieces of himself he hates,….. but you are also trying to be the glue that holds him together and he’s terrified at shattering again, that falling apart is somehow a failure, not just for him but for you. That’s a lot of pressure to put on him and on yourself.” Sam offered with a patient smile as Steve swallowed again still looking away from his friends knowing gaze. When the Captain spoke again he had a grimace on his face and frustration in his eyes.  
“He’s come so far,…. Struggled so desperately to be Bucky again,…. And now, as a reward for all the migraines and anxiety,….. he gets to drown in guilt and despair…….. and I don’t know how to keep him above water,…. How to help him breathe when he is crushed by so much pain.” Steve sat up and looked Sam in the eyes. “He was always my glue Sam, the one person who helped me hold it together no matter how bad things got,…. I always knew he had my back,….. and when I was literally drowning,…. He jumped in and pulled me out……. I need to do the same for him,… he deserves to be saved,….. but I don’t know how to do it.” Steve’s tone was hopeless and frustrated as he stood up and paced with an irritated expression. Sam sighed again and stood up placing a hand on each of Steve’s shoulders to get his attention.   
“You can save him by helping him save himself,…. He needs to remember how strong he is and what it FEELS like to be Bucky Barnes,… not just have his memories…….and it might seem like he’s drowning, but all we can do is teach him to swim and direct him to the shore,…. Otherwise he will just keep treading water until he collapses or becomes emotionaly volatile……..As bad as that break down was,……and as hard as its going to be for him to face all the bull shit Hydra has done to him, it has to happen Steve,….. otherwise he will always just be the Asset, unable to connect to his own humanity.” Sam mused thoughtfully and Steve swallowed again.  
“I just wish I could spare him the pain of going through this,… he’s been through enough Sam,…. Why can’t he just be at peace and safe,…… why must he be the one who suffers!” Steve sighed with a raspy breath.  
“The same reason he survived Zola’s lab the first time when the other Soldier’s couldn’t,….. because he is strong enough to take it,…. To overcome everything that was done to him and still recognize you and what you meant to him,……. What you stand for that he believes in to his very core…… Hydra couldn’t whip that away!” Sam nodded, finding his own words validating the respect he had for Sargent Bucky Barnes now that he was beginning to understand the man behind Hydra’s muzzle. “We need to remind him of how strong and capable he is,……. So that he can withstand the tidal wave of shit and depression he is about to be buried in.” Sam gestured his head back toward the tower. “If you can be strong and show him how,……. He will overcome this Steve,….. but it’s going to get worse before it gets any better and that’s what we need to prepare for.” The VA counselor leveled with the Captain who swallowed down the lump in his throat and sighed again heavily, feeling the call of the a shower and a few hours of rest.

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve awoke later that morning from restless sleep, his dreams haunted by an image of Bucky sobbing as he sat in the Maintenance chair and promised not to fight back as The Captain nodded his permission to Ironman who pulled the lever, blue electricity ripping through his friend’s restrained body. Steve swallowed back his nauseous dread as the echo of screams slowly faded and his racing heart calmed. When his breathing evened out he threw on some cloths before heading straight to the lab, ignoring the grumbling in his stomach. He deliberately slowed his pace and took a deep breath before entering the med lab where Bruce was quietly speaking with Sam and Natasha, all of them shifting their gaze to Steve then over toward Bucky. Steve studied their concerned, tense looks then instantly refocused on Bucky who was laying propped up in a sitting position, awake and silent, eyes glossy and lowered. He didn’t look up when Steve entered or acknowledge the Captain as he closed distance and tilted his head to try and get Bucky’s eyes. Steve gingerly placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, expecting a flinch or at least the slightest flicker of awareness but there was no reaction.  
“Is he still sedated?” Steve asked with concern, crouching down to meet Bucky’s eyes that were far from vacant, gaze fixated on his metal hand that was clenched in his lab. He realized that his friends entire body was stiff with tension and his jaw was locked.  
“No,……but he seems to be unwilling or unable to respond……. We are not sure why yet.” Bruce surmised and Steve could hear the unspoken concern in the doctor’s voice. He looked from his team mates then back to his mute friend as he slowly brought his hand away from Bucky’s right shoulder and attempted to place it over the metal fist where his eyes were glaring. The moment Steve’s fingers grazed the metal Bucky grunted with irritation and jerked his metal hand away, scowling as he swallowed and turned his head to look further off to the side refusing to face his friend.  
“Bucky?” Steve asked softly with confusion and he was met with a snort of angry breath, his friends eyes narrowing slightly but still pointed off to the side opposite of Steve. “Buck,….. can you look at me please?” His only response was a quick shake of his head, jaw twitching with tension. Steve frowned and looked over to Sam who shrugged while Natasha and Banner simply watched the interaction with careful consideration. He turned back toward his friend and tried to gently push his hair behind his ear but Bucky jerked his head away and grunted again but with more emotion, his angry glare looking wet.  
“Buck,……… I need you to look at me.” Steve spoke calmly, feeling slightly guilty for falling back on orders that he knew his friend would respond to. However, to his surprise he heard a bitter huff and a low, rough grumble of words that sounded more tired than angry.  
“I need you to get lost!” Bucky muttered almost under his breath. Steve sat back and looked towards his teammates again who seemed equally startled by the verbal defiance that was obviously spoken from Bucky and not the Asset.  
“Bucky why…..” Steve was interrupted by a loud sigh of frustration as his friend closed his eyes slamming his head back into the pillow behind him, a strained look on his face as he spoke again with resentment and turmoil in his scratchy voice that was heavy with his Brooklyn accent.  
“I said beat it Rogers,. Take a hike,…. Scram……” Bucky sighed and swallowed, keeping his eyes squeezed tight. “Just leave me alone.” His tone was shaking and his defiance lost the edge as despair tainted his harsh words. Steve’s mouth had dropped open and then shut as he swallowed and looked away, rubbing his eyes. He was at once excited to hear Bucky’s actual voice and also disheartened by his anger and resentful tone, the echoes of his earlier nightmare churning in his gut. After another moment, Steve stood up and Bucky swallowed again, keeping his eyes squeezed shut, body tense as he breathed through his noise.  
“Okay Buck,……. I’m sorry pal,……Just,….. whenever you need me,….. I’ll,……. I won’t be far okay?...... Just ask and Jarvis will tell me,…..I will come right back,……..Ok?..... Bucky?” Steve asked again and then sighed as his friend rolled his head away from him with another angry snarl, eyes still closed tight against tears he refused to let slide down his cheeks.  
“I heard you Steve,…….just go away!” Despite his best efforts Bucky could not keep his voice from breaking on the last words and he swallowed down his urge to sob, still overcome with too many mixed emotions but self-conscious and desperate to regain control.  
He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, on the verge of tears and broken. His humiliation from falling apart in front of the Avengers was only tempered by his anguish and gut wrenching guilt that was consuming him as his mind sorted through the onslaught of memories. It was as if a dam had broken somewhere within his head and his feelings and thoughts were finally connecting with his memories from Hydra. Before, he would remember the feel of fear, helplessness, anxiety and a desperate need for comfort, like a child trying to understand a terrible nightmare. Now he understood. Now James Buchanan Barnes was suddenly and violently back in his own conscious space, the programing reduced to an irritating buzz that whispered phantom promises of pain for disobedience and urged him to comply. But his temper and naturally defiant nature was ignoring the Asset’s programing even as his own conscious mind whispered words of self-hatred and horror at what he had let Hydra turn him into. He wasn’t actually angry at Steve or the Avengers but he was too volatile and too conflicted and torn apart to try and act calm in front of them. He needed to be alone, and he definitely did not deserve to be comforted.  
Steve let out a deep sigh, fighting against every fiber of his body that wanted to pull Bucky into a hug. It was just like during the war, when the Sargent would push his friend away, cursing at him as he stomped off to go hid from Steve and the other Howling Commandos. It had taken the steady reassurance and insistence from Dum Dum or Monty, that persuaded the Captain to give his friend space, to let him deal with whatever was going on inside his head. They were all well aware of the terror that flashed in Bucky’s eyes when he was lost in thought before being startled back to the present by a hand on his shoulder, shuddering as he blinked rapidly and distanced himself from his troop. Now it was Sam and Natasha who coxed the Captain away from Bucky, whispering similar words about giving his friend space and letting him process. Steve felt numb as he was lead out of the med lab, casting one last look over his shoulder at Bucky who was silently shaking, trying to hold back his tears as best he could.  
“I told you it wasn’t going to be easy,…… Try not to take it personally Steve,….. It’s not really you that he’s upset with.” Sam tried to reason as Steve slumped against the hall way wall, Bruce next to Sam and Natasha reaching out to take his hand.  
“It doesn’t matter why he’s upset,…. It’s just,…… He’s so stubborn,…… He’s hurting and he won’t let anyone help.” Steve sighed as he shook his head and glared down the hall at the med lab door.  
“Steve,……needing space and time to figure out who he is and how to feel about it is not the same as refusing help!” Natasha sighed and offered him a small compassionate smile. “It has taken him months of struggling to reconcile his memories of the man he once was through the mindset of the Asset Hydra forced him to become. He had to actively fight against his conditioned responses and break away from the programing that was his only sense of identity,……that takes incredible determination and strength of will…….” Natasha looked Steve in his eyes, speaking from personal experience. “You said it made you feel sick that Bucky had to follow orders,… that he had to obey and was afraid to say or do the wrong thing…… Well now he isn’t,…… now he can tell you to leave him alone and refuse to make eye contact…….. However he feels right now, and how ever that might make you feel…. It is real progress!........ He is finally thinking and acting like a man again, one who is dealing with all the horror of what he’s been put through. He is not the Asset and he can no longer pretend to be. That deserves recognition,….. and some time to reflect,…… for both of you!” Natasha smiled again and pulled him toward the elevator, offering Sam and Bruce a knowing look. They nodded, aware that Steve needed to be distracted from his own emotional heart ache and desire to make everything better, while Bucky needed time to let the reality of his enslavement with Hydra and what he had lived through fully set in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Th next chapter takes off right at this point and we learn more about what is going on ln Bucky’s mind,…. Now that he is Bucky again. Recovery is a bitch!!!!


	13. Dead Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Hang in there y’all, a bit of a longer chapter and kinda leading toward the end. Not quiet yet but we are in the home stretch of Bucky recovery after this angst filled sob fest!

His head hurt, a constant buzzing pain that seemed to be intensifying although he could hardly recognize it, the agony blending with his racing thoughts. There was no sense of time, only the constant whirl wind of recovered memories and the sharp jagged emotions that had shredded his programing and were piecing themselves together like a disturbing mosaic of a nightmare he knew was real. Bucky swallowed down the bile that bubbled up in his throat as he tried to focus on one thought at a time, the intensity of his feelings so powerful and oppressive that he could scarcely breathe. For the first time in 70 years he knew who he was, how he felt and thought about Hydra, Steve and about the crimes of the Winter Soldier. His eyes burned as he glared at the metal arm, feeling nothing but contempt and disgust as countless faces flashed before his mind’s eye, contorted and desperate as his metal arm crushed the life from their eyes. He remembered how those missions where so different from the distant kill shots and bombings. Despite the outwardly detached and calm appearance of the silently obedient Asset, internally he had one thought that seemed to echo in a voice he hadn’t recognize at the time was his own. Their eyes look like yours. The thought was a strange and useless assessment, providing no tactically relevant information. And yet, each time he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the blade of his knife, the tinted Van window that picked him up for extraction, the puddle of water from where he was hosed down and then when he was finally placed back in Cryo, that was the last thought that rattled in his brain. Their eyes look like yours, dead.

Sargent Barnes clenched his metal fist as he shook in rage and despair, nauseous from the migraine that throbbed behind his fiery gaze that was no longer the dead, vacant stare of Hydra’s Asset. He knew what he had done, the horror and chaos he had unleashed upon the world with ruthless efficiency and brutal accuracy, detached and unaffected by the lives he destroyed. Bucky closed his eyes as a strong wave of shame washed over him recognizing a painfully weak and pathetic desire to feel that blankness once more and escape from the agony of taking ownership of his life. He felt his chest growing tight and breathing becoming more difficult, his heart racing as his migraine intensified. So much death, so many innocent people, so much cruelty and depravity. His skin crawled and he felt a growing sense of urgency, a prickling restless anxiety that drove him from his medical bed as he began to pace, hands at his side, left locked in a fist, right in a cast. He went over to the bathroom and turned on the sink, splashing water in his face with both his prosthetic and broken hand. Looking up into the mirror he froze, his breathing chocked and his blue eyes wide and dilated and very much alive. He saw himself, Bucky, staring back at him from within the Soldier, long hair framing a stubbled chin and a weary face that had seen too much and aged in pain if not in years. With a guttural cry of anguish and self-hatred he punched the mirror with his metal hand, wanting to destroy the monster that he felt trapped inside of.

Sargent Barnes,….. You appear to be in distress, Dr. Banner has been alerted. 

Bucky’s head jerked up toward Jarvis’ voice as he felt his breath far too shallow in his burning lungs and his body tensed. He couldn’t breath and his head was hurting so badly that his vision was blurring. He was shaking and he felt hot and cold all at once, he needed air, he couldn’t breathe. With choking gasps he ripped off the tee-shirt they had dressed him in and stumbled out the door in lounge pants and soaks. He couldn’t think straight, his thoughts racing and self-hatred burning him inside and out. He was in the same overwhelmed panic as the night before but then he had been confused by programming and sought out the chair for reasons that were conflicting, logic distorted and irrational. Now he knew better, now he knew there could be no escape from the chaos in his head, from the torment of a fractured phyci and the guilt of a remorseful murderer, a man who could never be free from what he had become.

Bucky fell into the elevator hyperventilating as he collapsed into the corner, feeling claustrophobic and desperate.

“Jarvis,…. Jarvis please,…….. Roof!” the Sargent wheezed as pulled on his hair and gritted his teeth, hot tears of pain trickling down his cheeks.

Sargent Barnes , Please return to the medical ward, the Doctor is on his way and Captain Rogers has been alerted.

“No…… I… Can’t Breathe,…….. Please……. JARVIS!......... The ROOF!...... THE ROOF…..” Bucky was rocking hard and he dry heaved as he gasped shaking. At the other end of the hall way Bruce appeared with Sam and Clint who jogged toward Bucky who was rocking in the corner of the elevator shaking as he struggled for breath.

“Sargent,………It’s okay,…….. your safe!” Sam spoke with calm authority as he crouched down at eye level with the panic stricken vet who’s eyes flashed with fear as he watched Bruce prepare a needle of sedative.  
“No!.....Please,….Please,……. NO DRUGS!.........I just,…….. THE ROOF!........ AIR,…..PLEASE!” Bucky’s voice was a desperate plea of a man feeling trapped and cornered. “ I NEED AIR,…….I CAN”T …… BREATH……PLEASE!” He was pulling on his hair and his face was streaked with tears, heart hammering as he begged for help, pain obvious in his watery eyes.

“Doc,……. Lets take him up to the roof,…. Lets see if we can calm him down without knocking him out!” Hawkeye reasoned as he looked from the gasping man on the floor of the elevator toward Banner and then Sam.

“Sargent,…… I need you to take a deep breath……” Sam began and Bucky let out pained cry as he lunged forward, the others tensing and Hawkeye ready to shoot the trank dart. Bucky was on his knees, metal hand griping the floor and leaving dents in the metal as his broken hand reached for Sam, clinging to his shirt.

“SAM,…….. PLEASE,………NO AIR………I NEED TO GET OUT!” Bucky gasped as he looked at the Counselor with such desperation and agony that Sam knew he could not refuse the former POW’s request. Sam rest a hand on Bucky’s shaking shoulder and then looked up at Bruce and Clint.  
“Is the roof secure?” Sam asked and was answered by Jarvis instead.  
Mr. Stark is monitoring from his jet and has instructed that I activate the protective field around the perimeter,…. The roof top has been secured.  
“Please…….please…….” Bucky was shuddering as he collapsed forward, his voice gasping as he shook violently, he was delirious from the pain in his head and the guilt of his tormented memories ripping him apart.  
“Alright, lets help the Sargent get some fresh air!” Bruce agreed, the doctor, like the other two men well aware of the need to be outside when feeling trapped and unable to breath. Unlike the other times Bucky was overwhelmed, he was not acting out violently toward them and had not dissociated, his eyes alert and expressing his need for relief instead of wild and lost.

It is currently 52 degrees with a wind chill of 45 degrees may I suggest…… 

“You guys go,….. I’ll grab a blanket and meet you up there.” Hawkeye interrupted Jarvis as he headed back toward the med lab and Bruce stepped in and crouched down with Sam as the doors closed.  
“Just breathe Sargent,……… Alright, try to match me, deep breath in………. and out,….. common,….. try to focus.” Sam encouraged him with steady instructions but Bucky was still hyperventilating mixed with pained growls holding his head with his eyes squeezed shut. He knew where he was and where he was heading but the burning rage and self-hatred was almost all consuming, his only distraction the mind splitting head ache that was sending electrical impulses throughout his entire brain.

“God,….This,……this is astounding,…….Sam look at this!” Bruce had his scanner out and with a flick of his hand the projection of the Sargent’s brain scan was holographic above the cowering man. The image of the brain showed the neural network rapidly firing and the pain receptors all lit up as the connections that had been slowly growing and forging were finally becoming fully connected.  
“How is that possible?.....Bruce did you give him anything to accelerate this process?” Tony’s voiced piped into the rising elevator as he had linked into the scanner, watching the rapid neurological growth from his plan back towards the tower from a business lunch in Washington DC.

“No,…..No,…..I think,…. Maybe it’s because he has been forcing himself to remember,. The past two months of trying to make those connections and now that he has finally broken through the programing, the mental blocks Hydra’s conditioning reinforced must have deteriorated and his version of the serum can finally finish repairing all the damage done by the chair.” Bruce Hypnotized with an amazed tone.  
“Well Damn his brain is already doing what we were going to try and reverse engineer the chair to do for him……. Looks like it might be a tad bit painful though,….. I got something for that,…. Hang in their Buckster!” Stark offered just before the elevator opened up on the roof. Bucky took in a chocked gasp as he looked up into the evening skyline of the city. He scrambled to his feet and pushed away from Sam, staggering forward with both hands in his hair and a sob of relief and pain and need. He ran haphazardly toward the edge of the roof with every intention of jumping off, needing to end his misery, unable to reason another way to relieve his tremendous suffering.

“Sargent Barnes,….. NO!” Sam shouted running after him with Bruce right behind him. The doors of the common room flew open as Steve ran through them with Natasha behind him returning from a trip out that was supposed to help Steve gain some perspective on Bucky’s progress. The fear on the Captains face was frozen in shock as right when Bucky tried to Jump his body was repelled back by the force of an air jet repulsor, sending the Sargent crashing backwards. Steve reacted fast catching Bucky before he could land hard on the roof’s surface, gasping with harsh breaths of anger and confusion.

“NO!.....NO!......I NEED IT TO STOP,…..I NEED IT TO END…… LET ME GO STEVE……LET ME GO!” Bucky struggled in Steve’s arms but the Captain held on and his gasping turned into dry heaves as he curled in on himself.  
“Bucky,……Please,….. you need to calm down,…… just breathe…” Steve was panting from running and he used his strength to hold Bucky to him with one arm, rubbing his back in soothing circles with the other as the struggling Vet shuddered and chocked on his gasps.

“You asshole,…… You God Damn Stubborn Jerk, asshole,……let me go,……I don’t deserve to live Steve,….. I need to die,……let me go!” Bucky’s gasps were broken with sobs as he weekly struggled against Steve’s steal embrace.

“NO!.......NO Buck,…… I won’t let you go!...... I can’t Bucky,…….I won’t let you fall,…… never again!” Steve panted with his own torrent of emotion and a voice that contained a conviction that was stubborn and determined.  
“You Asshole,…….You Fucking Punk!......... You can’t save me Steve!........ It’s too late,…….I’ve already fallen!........” Bucky was gritting out as he shook and struggled to sit up, looking at Steve with such anger and grief and pain that Steve’s words faltered. Bucky’s face was wet with tears as he gripped Steve’s jacket with his metal fist, shaking his head as he banged his cast against his own forehead. “You brought me here,…… you tried to save me from hell but that’s where I belong Steve,…… The things I’ve done,…….. I am a demon of death,…..I am evil….” Bucky was crying but with anger in his eyes, looking at Steve with his own conviction and certainty. Hawkeye arrived with wide eyes and stood next to the others with the blanket.

“He smashed a mirror in the lab bathroom,…..maybe the roof was a bad idea.” Hawkeye muttered and Sam sighed. Natasha was still breathing hard from her run but shrugged.

“Maybe not,………like the chair,……it forced him to the next stage,….. he had to break down all the way………” Natasha mused, less distraught and more observational then the others. “If he’s suicidal better to know that now then have him pretending he’s fine and doing it when we don’t expect it.” She reasoned and the men all looked from her to the two super soldiers.

“BUCK NO,….. That was HYDRA!.......They forced you…..” Steve was interrupted by Bucky’s frustrated growl, still shaking as the Captain kept a strong hand on each of his shoulders and Bucky’s metal hand continued to grip his jacket collar.

“I LET THEM STEVE!...........I LET THEM TURN ME INTO A WEPON,…… I COMPLIED BECAUSE I WAS TOO CHICKEN SHIT TO SAY NO!” Bucky shouted back in defiant humility.

“That’s not why Bucky,…… They couldn’t make you follow orders so they took away your choice,………They took away the word NO,……..they made you forget how to refuse,…….It wasn’t because you were afraid,….. they did awful things to you all the time that you were terrified of but you couldn’t say no,…… it wasn’t about fear,…….it was about compliance no matter what,………You didn’t follow orders to avoid pain, there was always pain,…….you just didn’t have any other choice.” Steve’s voice was a desperate, heartbroken plea and he brought one hand up to Bucky’s face but the Sargent jerked away from it shaking his head.

“You don’t know that,….. you don’t…..”Bucky tried to argue But Steve grabbed his face, forcing him to meet his eyes.

“Yes I do Buck,……….. I’ve seen it,….. I watched their documentation,….. what they did to make you into an obedient Asset!” Steve grimaced. “The programing,.. it took away your control,.......They gave you a gun, told you it was loaded and ordered you to put it against your head and pull the trigger.” Steve swallowed as that image brought boiling anger into his gut. “You didn’t even flinch Bucky!...... You just pulled the trigger,….. because they told you to.” Steve’s voice was strong but also wavered with emotion. Bucky was still breathing fast, tears on his cheeks as he shook his head and looked away.

“I pulled the trigger because I wanted to die!,…….I should have turned it on them but instead I tried to kill myself because I thought,.....I thought it would finally be over.” Bucky chocked out as he hung his head in shame and humiliation. “I am not worth it Steve,…… I am not worth any of this,…… you just feel guilty because you couldn’t keep me from falling,….. but you can’t change what happened,……. Nothing you do will make it better or fix anything,…….. You Stupid,….. Stubborn…….” Bucky’s anger turned into muffled whispers of hopeless despair, metal hand releasing the Captain’s collar as it dropped with a thud, eyes squeezed tight as he shook with silent sobs. Steve let out his own shattered sigh as he shook his head and pulled Bucky forward, pressing him into his chest. Steve looked over toward his teammates with broken desperation unsure what to say. Stark arrive through the double doors a phone on his ear as he walked briskly up to Natasha, handing her a syringe and whispering before stepping back as he continued talking on the phone with a low tone, eyes watching the two Super Soldiers with concern. Natasha sighed and stepped forward, grabbing Clint and the blanket. 

“Your right Barnes,………. Steve thinks he can make everything better, that as long as you are away from Hydra you will get better and the past will be behind you.” Natasha offered as she sat down next to them while Clint draped the blanket over Bucky’s shoulders, Steve pulling it protectively over his shivering friend, who kept his face buried in Steve’s chest. “Steve maybe Stubborn,…… but he isn’t Stupid,……..and neither are you…….He knows how Strong you are,….. how resilient and determined you can be if you put your mind to it…..We all watched you fight so hard against the programing, trying to overcome Hydra’s conditioning. And then,……You finally break through,…… You have finally taken back control,….. and what do you do after all of your hard work?........ You try and through yourself off a building,….. that is Stupid.” Natasha spoke with a gentle tone that was almost chiding. Bucky turned his head a fraction as he glared one eye at her from behind his curtain of hair, breathing still erratic and gaze clouded by pain. Natasha held up the syringe and instantly Bucky made a panicked noise of distress and tried to pull away. The Captain held tight and Clint knelt down to help.

“Easy Sargent,……..it’s not a tranquilizer or a sedative,………. Just a pain reliver,…..it’ll take the edge off and give you a chance to think a bit more clearly.” Hawkeye promised and Natasha took his right arm, careful of the cast, injecting the blue liquid. Steve looked at the needle and then up at her and over toward Stark who hung up his phone and walked toward them, Sam and Bruce close behind, with questioning looks.

“Where did you get that from?” Bruce asked as he charged forward with concern taking the Syringe from Sam who had accepted it from Natasha.

“It was a gift,……offered by a fan of Cap’s……” Stark offered with a shrug and was fixed with Several annoyed glares. Tony sighed and went on. “Agent or Director,…. I am not really sure about titles and all since the explosions in the sky,….. but a dear friend of ours Phill Colson was informed by Fury and Hill about our Amnesic ex- Winter Soldier recovery and care unit and somehow hacked into Jarvis and contacted me this morning…… I told him about the chair and what we had been trying to do with it before Terminator went on rampage mode and he filled me in on an interesting piece of Tec his team picked up from the bad guys at Centipede called the Theta Brain-Wave Frequency Machine. Apparently it’s designed to help recover memories that have been buried in the subconscious,….. but it is a less then pleasant process and the neural recovery can overload the brain and may result in impulsive and self-destructive behavior as well as one hell of a head ache…… So he had these two kids,…..baby geniuses,…. Like literally,……Fitz-Simmons, come up with a pain reliver that does not impede the neural growth process but keeps the brain trauma patient from oh lets say throwing them selves off of a tower in the middle of Manhattan.” Stark concluded pointing at Bucky who was breathing slower, the pain easing and his tense muscle contractions lessening as he remained wrapped protectively in Steve’s embrace, head turned in their direction but eyes on the ground. 

“Seriously Pepper would kill me!.... Do you know what kind of PR nightmare that would create if we had the Winter Soldier go splat on the side walk right from our very roof top.” Tony huffed as he crossed his arms.  
“It’s not the pain,……. I can handle pain……..” Bucky sighed, with a chocked whisper, exhausted from the slowly receding migraine that had been almost blinding in it’s intensity. His face was still pressed into Steve, his tense body forcibly held their by the Captain who was silently looking down at the hunched figure in his arms as if he was terrified to let go. Hawk eye was crouching next to them on the other side from Bucky’s face and sighed as he stood up, walking over toward Natasha who was still sitting down next to Steve, one hand stroking the tangled hair out of Bucky’s face, one eye blinking over wet cheeks as he stared at the ground. The Archer looked pointedly at the Snipper and shook his head.

“It’s a different kind of pain Sargent…….Obviously you can handle physical pain,………but mental pain,……the pain of guilt and shame,….. the pain of holding your self responsible for the loss of innocent life,….. now that is a tough pain to deal with man,………trust me,….. I know first hand.” Clint’s voice took a solemn note and Natasha glanced over her shoulder at him, a knowing look in her eyes and a quiet, comforting smile.

“That is a pain we all know Sargent Barnes.” Natasha echoed as she turned back toward him nodding, eyes thoughtful as she watched the sullen face turn down and away as he closed his eyes against the intensity of his emotions.  
“How true,….. and as much as I love spontaneous family therapy sessions, the roof top is not my first choice,….. but ya know there is a big old comfortable room right there with very sleek but practical furniture!” Stark grinned as he pointed at the double doors. Natasha stood with a hand from Clint and Steve nodded, relaxing his protective grip on Bucky, put keeping a hand on him as he helped him up. The Sargent was silent and despondent, silent tears still running down his face as he shivered. Steve took his metal hand, and wrapped an arm around his blanketed shoulders as he guided him toward the door way with the others, glancing at his friend sideways with deep concern. Once inside the room Bucky sat on a couch, his injured hand pulling the blanket tight around him. Steve sat next to him and Bucky shifted away from him, glaring off to the side. Everyone was staggered around and Sam sat closest leaning forward in his chair as Natasha sat on the arm rest. There was a moment of silence, other than Stark making some drinks, handing one to Barton.

“Sargent Branes,……. Can you tell me what you were thinking when we found you in the elevator,……..did you know you wanted to jump off the room?” Sam asked with a soft, non-judgmental tone. There was silence as Steve reached out but Bucky shrugged him off, still glaring off to the side, his mind clearing steadily as the pain ebbed and his breathing began to evened out. His cheeks where blushed in humiliation and his metal fist was clenched, tension running through his body as he avoided their eyes.

“Bucky common,….” Steve began but was met by a resentful glare from wet, red rimmed eyes, a look that communicated more than words just how miserable Bucky was feeling. His fierce gaze was challenging and anger, ready to fight, but as Steve’s expression became soft and sympathetic, genuine in his desire to comfort his distressed friend, the Sargent’s temper was smothered by his guilt and self-hatred, recognizing that his anger was misdirected at Steve. Bucky let out a strangled noise from his throat, jaw clenched before his tearful eyes dropped to the ground, defiance giving way to reluctant submission as he heaved a quivered breath, Shoulders shaking.

“I just,……. I couldn’t breath.” He whispered, as if his words betrayed how unstable he was, a liability unable to control his body’s reactions. In that moment, he sounded more like the Asset expecting to be punished for his weakness then Sargent Barnes admitting to his break down. Steve shook his head with a sigh at Bucky’s discouraging tone and the defeated way he hung his head and curled in on himself.  
“You were having a panic attack,….. a very common occurrence for Vets who have been through active duty,……. Its part of a condition called PTSD,……. I gave you some information to read about it,…. Do you remember?” Sam asked and Bucky swallowed and nodded, still keeping his gaze on the ground, eyes blurred with tears he was trying to suppress.

“Do you know what triggered it?........ And the one last night?” Natasha questioned and Bucky swallowed again before he glanced up at her and then toward Sam, mouth in a pout and expression broken. Bucky looked away from them, gaze distant and brow knit as his metal hand unclenched and began to fidget with the edge of the warm blanket he was wrapped in, pulling it tighter around himself. After a long moment, he nodded with a sigh. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and raspy, a tremor running through him.

“Their eyes.,……. It was like a mirror,………. I watched them die,……. In this metal hand.” He looked down at the hand with another shudder, mouth twisting into a hateful grimace. “I saw their eyes go dark,…. Lifeless,……. Just like his,…… it was a crack in the programing,……it stuck with him,….with us,…..me,……” Bucky’s brow crumpled and his own identity confusion was obvious, distress evident in his troubled gaze as he stared at the hand clenching and unclenching the metal fist.. “That’s how he knew that he wasn’t alive,……He wasn’t a person,….. just a weapon,…. His eyes were dead like theirs.” Bucky spoke with a hushed whisper as his gaze drifted away, off to the side, distant and afraid.

Steve lay a gentle hand on Bucky’s shoulder and the touch sent a shiver through him, as he let out a shuddered breath, echoed memories and thoughts replaying in his mind’s eye. The Captain watched him closely, worried that the stress would push Bucky back into conditioned programming, thinking and behaving like the Asset.  
“Is that why you shattered the mirror?’ Sam questioned, aware that Bucky was becoming lost in his thoughts and trying to help him stay focused on the present. Bucky didn’t look up, his voice sounding strained and tired.  
“I saw my eyes,……. But not….. it wasn’t my face,…….., I couldn’t tell who was staring back at me.” Bucky’s brow knit and he bit his lip as he shook his head, as if he was struggling to figure himself out, a puzzle with all the pieces finally put back together but creating a self portrait he didn’t recognize. With a swallow, he closed his eyes tight and rubbed his still aching head, the pain now a dull throbbing instead of intense fire. When he spoke again his voice was stronger, an edge to his words as if he was trying to convince himself.

“I am James Buchannan Branes, Born March 10th 1917. I like baseball…… and whiskey……. and dancing and……..and I was raised Irish Catholic.” He opened his eyes, an angry, spiteful scowl growing on his face as he looked out the window at the setting sun. He shook his head with a bitter laugh, voice becoming tainted with sorrow. “But now,….none of that matters……. Because this is who I have become……..” He held up the metal hand and his wet, eyes looked at it with disgust and grief before dropping it away and lowering his head, jaw locked and body shaking with tension. “ Nothing feels right,…….,I remember now,….. everything,…… every fucking detail!...... And I…….It’s too much!” Bucky’s voice broke again, the anger and frustration giving way to despair. With a hushed sob, he folded in on himself to hid away from the gathered Avengers who were watching the intensity of his rapidly shifting emotions pull him in every direction. It was humbling to witness the struggle for self-identity with in a mind that was experiencing so many extreme feelings all at once. Steve swallowed back his own heartache as he scooted closer rubbing soothing circles into Bucky’s hunch and shuddering form. There was a long moment of silence before Tony spoke, surprising himself with his honest, strained tone as he stared pointedly out the large windows over New York.

“I thought I was following in the footsteps of my old man,….. creating weapon technology to keep our troops safe and stop the bad guys from hurting innocent people……. But I was blissfully ignorant and had no idea the real impact of my tech,….. the devastation it caused,….. the destruction……In a way we had the opposite path toward realization…… You started off a good man according to Capsical and my late and great father,……. And then you were tortured and beaten into submission,….. had your mind wiped and your will power crushed until you became a weapon used for evil…….. Whereas I was creating weapons with out a second thought about who they were hurting, and it wasn’t until I was trapped in a cave in Afghanistan, being treated less then kindly by some not so nice terrorist types that I realized what I had become,…… “ Tony sighed heavily as he gulped down the rest of his drink and turned back toward the others, Bucky’s eyes still down cast but obviously listening. 

“I was a weapons’ profiteer and my reckless disregard for where my tech ended up led to the death of countless innocent lives.” Tony huffed bitterly. “To be honest Sargent, I might not have pulled the trigger but I created the tools that have been used,……”Tony’s voice became bitter and quiet. “…That are still being used,….. to destroy life……. I probably have more blood on my hands then you do pal.” Tony’s jaw was twitching and behind his sunglasses there was obvious emotion. He stepped forward and fell back into a chair nearby with a long sigh, removing his glasses as he whipped his tired eyes.  
“I know guilt,…….I know anger and humility,……. And I know that the only thing that helps me sleep at night is putting on that suite of armor and trying to protect and save a world that I helped put in danger…….It doesn’t change what I have done,…. But It makes me feel less worthless.” Stark admitted and his honesty was powerful and poignant. The others looking at him with consideration and thought. After a moment of silence Tony huffed and through his hands up looking at the others.

“Alright!.....So that was my show and tell who is next?......Common, family therapy means everyone.” He pointed at the others who sighed and shifted.  
“Just because you now remember who you where before Hydra as well as what you did,…. What they forced you to do,……. Doesn’t mean that you were in control,…. That you somehow are the reason that all of those terrible things happened.” Bruce offered and Bucky’s gaze shifted in the Doctor’s direction without raising to his face, Steve’s hand still on his back. “You didn’t volunteer to become the Winter Soldier Sargent Barnes,….. but I did volunteer to be subjected to Gamma rays,…. And because of my own stupidity and ego,…. I let myself be turned into the Hulk.” Bruce was quiet for a moment as he shook his head before looking back up toward the Sargent who maintained a pained look, eyes glossy and down cast.

“I am not in control when the Hulk takes over,….. But,…..a part of me is still connected to him on some conscious level,……. He is blinding rage and anger,….. but he can see the harm he causes,…… and once I come back,……Knowing that I am responsible for creating a monster,….. for becoming this force of destruction,…….” The Doctor sighed and spoke with a calm, earnest tone that carried a heavy weight to his words. “I tried to kill myself Bucky,…..” The Sargent looked up, pensive eyes locking with the Doctor’s for a moment before he blinked and looked away, another tear trickling from his eyes as he used the blanket to hastily wipe it away.

“I felt like it would never end,…. That I was always going to be trapped by this monster,...... responsible for the chaos that he unleashed…….I put a gun in my mouth,…… and the other guy spit out the bullet.” 

There was a long moment of silence, Bucky looking at Bruce with consideration before looking back down at his metal hand. Bruce sighed and wiped his own face with a shake of his head and a sad smile. 

“But now,…. After a lot of soul searching, meditation and psychotherapy, I recognize that he is a part of me that can be used for good,…. That his abilities can help make a difference,…. Not just cause pain and destruction…… And so I have to live with him inside me,….. live with the knowledge of the things I have done, and hope that my team can help me control his impulse to smash. It is not ideal,… it’s not the life I would have chosen,…….. but it is the one I have….. You had your life stolen from you,….. but now,….. you get to have a second chance,,,,, let this team be here for you,…. Like we are for each other.” The Doctor concluded and Sam patted him on the back. Bucky swallowed as he glanced up at Bruce then briefly at the others before looking away again, emotions still too raw to maintain eye contact.  
“They used the chair on you,….. and Loki used his scepter on me……It was different,…..I was under his control for only three days,……..Three days was all it took for me to kill over a dozen of my fellow agents and help Loki bring Aliens into New York were many more people died…….I tell myself that it wasn’t my fault,….that I couldn’t stop it,….. couldn’t stop myself…… It doesn’t change how I feel about it,……..like I let it happen,…….I might know logically that it wasn’t my choice,….. that I didn’t want to kill people or help a crazy narcissist destroy my world,……but I still did those things,….. and not a day goes by when I don’t feel my skin crawl or hear his voice in my head.” 

Hawkeye sighed with a shrug as Bucky met his eyes for a moment in recognition, still struggling to tune out the echoed commands of Hydra programing that even now were pressing him to submit and become the compliantly numb Asset once more, a sickeningly appealing alternative to the emotional anguish that was ripping him apart presently. 

“I have broken a few mirrors myself Sargent,…..but when I am feeling shitty and sick to my stomach with what I did,….. I just think, ‘Fuck’ em!’…… I know who I am and what I stand for…… and it sure as shit is not Loki’s twisted desire for power…… You know who you are now Sargent,……. And you know that you spent years fighting against Hydra with Steve,……..so…… ‘FUCK THEM!’…..You are stronger than their control over you,….. and now that you finally got your head back,…. Don’t let them win,….. don’t let what they did to you define you Barnes,…… Your better than that man!” Clint nodded and Bucky swallowed and looked away again, sitting up a little straighter with a contemplative look, no longer shrugging off Steve’s steading hand that stayed panted on his back. The Captain was watching him in between his thoughtful glances towards his teammates as they shared their own struggles with guilt and responsibility.  
“You had the leisure of starting out as a good person Barnes…… I never had that chance.” Natasha offered with a small smirk, looking more uncomfortable then any of them had seen her before. She fidgeted with her hands for a moment and then looked out the window, her voice almost distant.

“I don’t know how many people I have killed directly or indirectly,…… When I was still in training,…..before graduation from the red room,….. I used to try and keep count,…...I was told to feel proud, that my service to the Red room was my purpose for living.” She turned back and faced Bucky who was watching her with a compassionate frown, his own self pity put aside as he considered the woman before him, picturing her as a young girl taught how to kill without regard for human life. “I was good,……one of the best in my class.” She nodded and her lips quirked again but her eyes were glossy with emotion. “The truth is,….. I think I did feel guilt,….. but that wasn’t allowed,…..and to value life, my life or the life of my targets was selfish and weak…. I was doing so well,……And so…” She shrugged and looked down, Clint resting a hand on her shoulder. “I was afraid when I graduated,…… they take away……. They make you an efficient agent,…….being a human being is a liability,…….. But deep down,…… I never wanted to be a Black Widow,…… but it was all I ever knew,….. it was the only way I understood how to live…… and even after Barton brought me to SHEILD,…… and they tried to help me take control of my life,….. choose how I used my skills,……. I still never questioned an order,….. never let myself feel like my actions affected me,…… feeling guilt, sorrow, remorse,…….longing….” Her voice became softer and she absent mindedly placed her hand over her barren womb, eyes still distant. She blinked after a moment and looked back at Bucky. “I thought it was pointless,….. to feel was weakness,…….but I know better now……. I can’t change what I have done or pretend I am not the Black Widow the Red Room created,….Just like you can’t change the fact you will always be the Winter Soldier, created by Hydra…... but we can choose how to live now,….. who’s side we are on and why we fight,….. those freedoms are precious,……They give us back our humanity,…… help us become people and not just Assets for an organization to use.” Natasha spoke with a calm conviction as her gaze bore into Bucky who dropped his eyes to the floor as he let out a quivering breath.

“How…” Bucky’s voice trembled with exhaustion and grief, his words choked. “….How can I justify walking this earth when I have done so much,…..I have killed so many…..” Bucky’s voice was thick with emotional strain and Steve swallowed as he rubbed his friends back. “I don’t deserve to live.” Bucky’s voice broke and his eyes squeezed tight against tears he refused to shed, biting his lip and clenching his fist. The Captain sighed and shook his head wanting desperately to relive his friend’s burden of guilt.

“It wasn’t your fault Buck,….. You didn’t want to kill for Hydra,…..You never wanted any of this,……” Steve tried to console his remorseful friend who was trembling, the reality of his past and present overwhelming and emotionally debilitating.  
Natasha stood up and walked toward the Sargent kneeling down in front of him as she placed a hand on his wet cheek, her other hand stroking his hair back. “Most people who have been through lives like ours don’t get a second chance,…….Each one of us has experienced loss, grief, guilt, pain,…..you are not alone Sargent Barnes,….. and the only way that you can atone for your sins,…..is to stand up and reclaim the life they stole from you, fight by our side, own your decisions and recognize your responsibility to help fix this broken world,…. And then maybe you can feel less broken too.” Natasha offered softly and Bucky’s lips quivered as he leaned forward into her with a hushed sob, stiff with tension and stress from his over powering thoughts and feelings. Steve’s hand remained on his friend’s back, eyes wet with his own unshed tears as his worried gaze met Natasha’s calm, composed expression of sympathy then drifted to Sam’s steady look of understanding as he nodded at the Captain in support. After more than two months, this was what Steve and the others had been trying to accomplish, helping the Winter Soldier reclaim himself as Bucky Barnes. But now came the hard part, helping Bucky deal with his memories as the Winter Soldier and the guilt that was tearing him apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Sorry ya’ll been crazy busy but here ya go. Review if you like!!!


	14. Space and Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Sorry for the late update. Life got in the way. But hope you all stick with me. We are making our way to the end of this tail. Just a few more Chapters to go.

Steve sat in the common room of the Avenger’s tower reading a book that was given to him by Sam about how to understand and help someone suffering from PTSD. After the intense stress and near fatal breakthrough of the past 48 hours, Bucky had been exhausted and Steve had practically carried him back to their apartment and tucked him into bed. He had sat by his friend’s side singing the Irish Lullaby softly until Bucky's heavy eyes, red from crying, finally drifted shut. The Captain had not slept well that night, remaining sitting on the edge of Bucky’s bed for hours as he contemplated the drastic shift in his friend’s personality and the new challenges it brought. As dawn broke over the city the Captain found himself being dragged out on another run by Sam with reassurance from Jarvis that Sargent Barnes would be under observation.

Sam explained during the run that he had called in some favors from a Psychiatrist friend at the VA who wrote Bucky a prescription for a strong dosage of anti-depressant medication and anxiety. Bruce was in the lab by mid-morning adjusting the chemical properties of the medication to better effect Bucky’s advanced metabolism and healing. It was a start, and although Steve tried to feel optimistic, he remained worried about his closest friend who was so much different now and yet still the same head strong and stubborn kid from Brooklyn but without the easy smile and care free twinkle in his blue eyes. To finally have his friend back should have been a relief but instead Steve found himself more worried and anxious then he had since first gathering his ill friend into his arms the day he passed out at the Shield base more than two months ago.  
The Captain looked up abruptly as Bucky walked into the common room, hair tied back in a messy bun, face clean shaven wearing boots, jeans and Steve’s leather jacket with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Natasha and Clint were in the Kitchen and looked up with surprise. Bucky met their eyes and nodded in acknowledgement then over to Steve.

“Hey.” Bucky spoke softly, swallowing with a nervous tension as he clenched his fists and averted his eyes to the side.

“Hey Buck.” Steve replied, looking him up and down and then at the bag on his shoulder with a questioning glance.

“I need to borrow your Jacket.” He stated simply, deliberately avoiding Steve’s eyes and his concerned stare.  
“Of course Bucky,……. You can have it,….. what ever you need Pal!” Steve promised as he moved around the furniture that separated the two.

“Going somewhere Sargent?” Clint asked as he nodded at the duffle bag. Bucky looked over at him and Natasha then back to Steve, eyes dark and face stoic as he exhaled a measured breath.

“I need to leave.” He answered with a calm yet forceful tone and instantly the other three shifted and came closer as Bucky took a step back.

“Bucky what are you talking about?” The captain asked with obvious confusion and urgency. Bucky squared his shoulders and stood ridged as if prepared to fight if he had to, forcing himself to make direct eye contact.  
“You said whatever I need,…… I need to leave,…..I need space……I need to get my head together and figure out how to be myself again.” The Sargent stated with determination.

“Buck,……. You don’t have to leave,…. We can help you,….. you’re not alone here!” Steve argued as he took another step toward Bucky just as Sam, Tony and Bruce appeared, obviously alerted silently by Jarvis. Bucky’s head snapped in their direction, blues eyes watching as they slowed their pace at his intense glare, moving into the room toward Natasha and Clint. There was a tense stretch of silence as Bucky swallowed back a wave of anxiety, trying to control his reaction to the feeling of being trapped and cornered even if he was surrounded by allies. Bucky spoke with a slight quiver in his voice and blinked rapidly to clear his vision.

“That’s the point Stevie.” Bucky let out a calming breath as he turned back toward his friend after registering the three people entering the room as not a threat. “I can't ever be alone here……. Everyone is always watching me......." He glanced up at the ceiling to were Jarvis's voice was most often projected, swallowing thickly as he shifted nervously before looking away, off to the side with a pensive frown as he rubbed his eyes with his flesh hand and gripped the duffle bag tighter, jaw twitching with tension. "I need some time to sort things out,...... be in my head for a while with out feeling like I gotta keep it together around you and the others…… I need to be away from the city and all these people,…..I can’t think straight…….. I am too unstable.” The Sargent shook his head as he ran his hand over his hair, freed from the cast, yellow with faded bruising but healed.

“That’s kinda why you gotta stay here Buckster,……. We promised Fury to keep an eye on you so you wouldn’t go berserk or do something you might regret.” Tony offered with a shrug. Bucky looked up at him and shook his head, tightening his grip on his bag as he shifted back further toward the door.

“I need to leave,……. I can’t stay here right now,…..I won't hurt anyone,..... I swear,..... I...... I know who I am,......I just .......I need to feel in control, on my own." Bucky spoke with an edge of anxiety and desperation biting his bottom lip as he again looked off to the side.

"Sargent Barns, You are in our guardianship, and SHEILD still considers you a threat until their doctors and specialists have a chance to evaluate your mental stability. Until you have been cleared, you need to remain with the Avengers for your own safety and others." Natasha spoke calmly as she explained the situation. Bucky's jaw twitched and his fist clenched as he shook his head again stepping back further, eyes fiercely determined and locked with hers.

"No,....No way am I letting SHEILD's lab coats anywhere near me!" Bucky gritted out with a low growl, his voice a harsh whisper.

"Bucky they just want to make sure you aren't still at risk of getting triggered Into becoming the Soldier again." Steve tried to reason as Bucky snorted an angry huff, eyes turning toward his friend with a flash of anger.

"Common Steve! SHEILD IS HYDRA! Always has been! Like hell am I gonna let those bastards get their hands on me again!" Bucks snarled with genuine contempt.

"Sargent they didn't know that Hydra had infiltrated their ranks and now they do." Sam spoke with a reasoning tone but Bucky snapped back with a harsh venomous bark, his calm facade cracking as he shook in rage.

"SHEILD RECRUITED ZOLA!...... Stark and Carter knew what he had done! knew how dangerous he was and they agreed to grant him amnesty and bring him into SHEILD! That whole damn agency has been rotten at its core from the very beginning!" Bucky spat with a frustrated growl and a look of resentful and betrayal, the pain raw and exposed in his wide blues eyes.

Steve sighed as he shook his head and he looked at his friend with genuine remorse.

" Your right Buck. I don't know what they were thinking recruiting Zola. And if I had been there he would have rotted in jail for what he did to you and the weapons he created that helped the Red Skull kill so many....but you gotta understand that SHEILD has a lot of good people working to get rid of Hydra. They just want to make sure you are safe and so do we" Steve tried to explain but Bucky narrowed his eyes in a glare.

"I told you Steve, you're a god awful liar! ..... SHEILD would be just as glade to lock me up as they would to use me for their own purposes! I will never, ever be locked up again and I sure as shit am not gonna submit to any ones orders to comply! I am making my own choices from now on and I am telling you right here and right now that I am leaving and SHEILD can go Fuck themselves!" Bucky spoke with absolute determination and Steve felt a mixture of pride and frustration toward his stubborn but rightfully defiant friend.

"Sergeant Barns...." Natasha tried to interject stepping forward but he shook his head and took another step back, left hand now griping the door frame of the common room as he turned his body toward the exit.

"No Natasha, I am leaving and you of all people know why I need to!" Bucky insisted as he gave her a poignant look.

"Bucky if you leave I am coming with you!" Steve took a step forward with a his own unwavering determination.

"Dammit Steve I told you I need to be alone!.... For once in your life just listen to me will ya!" Bucky exclaimed with irritation and frustration.

"Sergeant Barnes you just attempted to end your life by jumping off the of this building less than 24 hours ago. You broke your hand only a day before that. Even if you are not a danger to others you are at risk of self-harm and there is no way in good conscious we can allow you to leave this tower unsupervised." Bruce stated in a calm, professional voice receiving a glare from Bucky before he again looked away with a flush of humiliation.  
Bucky blinked his wet eyes as he tried to swallow down his embarrassment and frustration, his battered pride fueling a wave of anger he tried to suppress as he shook his head and avoided their unwanted looks of sympathy. He let out a deep sigh as he leaned forward and rest his forehead against the door frame, back toward the others as he spoke with a tone of voice that was tired and almost pleading mixed with tempered rage and resentment.

"Please,.......please you gotta let me go,...... Don't make me beg,....... I can't......." Bucky cut himself off as he clamped his mouth shut, eyes squeezed closed as he gripped the door frame and pressed his forehead into the wood. He needed to get away from them, from the people who knew his shame, who witnessed his disgusting, helpless obedience and willingness to serve Hydra. They had seen him fall apart and knew how scared and vulnerable he truly was, how pathetic and lost, like a dog who had been beaten into submission and was terrified of upsetting its new owners. Bucky was consumed in anger and resentment toward himself and Hydra but also toward the people who knew his cowardice and had bared witness to just how messed up and broken he was. It was humiliating and he hated them all for it even as he recognized how unreasonable those thoughts were. He needed to be alone, he needed to be able to look himself in the eyes again before he could try and meet their knowing gaze. He knew who he was but he didn't feel like himself, just a wrecked and damaged POW that had allowed his enemy's to own him body and soul.

Steve let out his own deep sigh as he rubbed the back of his neck and took a few slow steps toward Bucky, well aware of the shame and embarrassment his stubborn and head strong friend was most likely crippled by. He knew Bucky better than anyone else and the man who was avoiding him now was not Hydra's Asset, willing to comply and submit to the will of his masters. He was the proud and independent boy from Brooklyn trying to hid how weak and utterly helpless he felt and the anger and resentment that was twisting inside him. Bucky never wanted pity from anyone and he knew Steve didn't either. He had always treated his smaller, frail friend with respect and never made him feel like a weakling when he had an asthma attack or was in bed for weeks with pneumonia. Bucky was mentally ill and suffering now just like Steve had been sick then and he desperately needed his friend to treat him like a man and not a charity case.

"Bucky,...... You don't have to beg, if you wanna be alone for a while that's understandable.......I won't bother you,...... We can give you space,...... But we just need to know your safe,..... I need to know that your safe." Steve explained with a calm and patient tone as he stood a few feet away from his best friend, a man who had come so far but was still in so much pain. Bucky didn't' open his eyes but let out a long, shuddered breath.

"I just wanna go away Stevie,.....My heads a mess right now,......." Bucky opened his eyes and looked up at his friend with a shattered expression of desperation and sorrow. "I need to feel in control,......I need to be able to take care of myself again....... Please Steve,.....please just let me go,...... Don't make me stay here,......"   
He turned away again pressing his head against the door frame with a grimace as he squeezed his eyes against the threat of oncoming tears.  
"I can't stand it,...... I don't want them to see me like this." He whispered with a small trembling voice, his anger giving way to his shame and despair. Steve swallowed down his own grief and hung his head, feeling guilty and partly responsible for not considering how difficult and humiliating this ordeal would be for his friend's shattered pride and sense of self.

"Sergeant Barnes,.......You said you need to be alone, you need space and time to yourself….. After everything you have been through, all the changes to your biochemistry, breaking through Hydra's programming and conditioning,.... we get it." Sam stated with a calm and even tone, sincerest and plainly spoken. Bucky did not look at him but opened his eyes a fraction, jaw muscles still tight and metal hand gripping the door frame as the tension in his body radiated his discomfort and how close he was to making a run for it. Sam exchanged a look with Steve who was clearly feeling anxious and in conflict with how best to handle this latest turn in events.  
"You know we are a team here Bucky, we are your friends, and we are not trying to hold you captive...... Let's figure out how to make this work,...... How we can give you what you need but also make sure you are safe. I am not gonna bullshit you Sargent, we can't let you just disappear out of here. But maybe we can figure out a middle ground." Sam reasoned with reassurance.

"How about a safe house?...... An isolated location that can be monitored from here." Hawkeye suggested with a casual shrug, recognizing how trapped and suffocating it must feel for the newly recovered Sargent who was still trying to make sense of his own thoughts and concept of self. The Archer was a big fan of alone time and had basically told SHEILD that he had absolutely no intention of talking to one of their Psychiatrist after his time with Loki. He had instead taken some time off and hit the road, only coming back when he had received a distress call from Natasha right before the fall of SHEILD. Just like the Widow and The Captain, Hawkeyes had felt betrayed and deeply resentful toward the deception Hydra had created, and questioned how he could have been so blind. He realized that while he had been wallowing in self-pity and uncertainty his partner had almost died trying to help Captain America bring down the very Organization he had recruited her for. That realization snapped him out of his own funk and he knew that Natasha would need someone to have her back without pushing or prodding her to verbalized her feelings. The Sargent was a lot like Clint but with a history like Natasha's and needed his space and time to get his head around everything that had happened to him before he could take steps forward and lean on Steve for support weather the Captain liked it or not.

"Not one of SHEILD's!.......They can't know where I am,.......Hydra will find me." Bucky's voice had started off strong with a look of intensity as he met Barton's eyes but then he looked away as he whispered his underling fear, body half turned toward them as kept his metal grip on the door frame.

"Well tin man,… it just so happens that I have a place that might be perfect for a mental health Holiday,...... It was kind of my own sanctuary for a bit after my time in Afghanistan and again after the whole Alain invasion thing....... Bruce goes there too sometimes and meditates or whatever right Doc?" Tony turned to Bruce with a shrug, hands in his pockets.

"You mean the cabin in upstate New York?" Banner asked with recognition and Stark huffed with a shake of his head.

"Cabin?.... Common Bruce it is definitely a lake house!" He turned back toward Bucky who was watching him intently as Tony took a few side steps closer without crowding, standing next to Sam and addressing everyone. "It's got a spectacular view over a lake, sits on 6 archers, nearest neighbors are three miles away and only vacation there in the summer." He smiled and opened a hand toward Bucky who was staring at him with a pensive expression. "It's got a deluxe hot tub, sauna and some unused fishing poles and a row boat,....... Pluse a high-tech security parameter designed by yours truly!" Stark grinned and waited for a response.

"I would be monitored?" Bucky asked quietly, the words spoken with a subdued edge of discomfort, head in their direction but eyes off to the side.

"Jarvis will be there but only as a precaution,..... You can ask him for anything but he won't bother you unless you need help." Tony offered and his tone was more serious and sincere then his normal playful banter, as he too recognized the desire to hid away from watchful eyes when nursing his wounds.  
"But you gotta check in with me Buck,..... At least once a day and let me know your okay!" Steve said with a desperate determination. Bucky huffed and shook his head.  
"And if I am not okay your gonna come running to save me from myself right Rogers?....... I need space Steve not a mother Hen trying to fix my head and chase away my nightmares." Bucky sight as he rubbed his eyes, feeling exhausted and on edge.

"Text message twice a day,.......video feed every other day and Steve gets to bring you Groceries on Sundays." Natasha stipulated the terms that could be easily accepted by both. Steve looked at her as if to protest but Sam grabbed his shoulder and offered a look before adding to the requirements for Bucky's independent living.

 

"And starting tomorrow you will have three weekly video sessions with a trauma specialist that works with extreme cases of PTSD!....He has been briefed about what you have been going through and his back ground check cleared." Sam stated with a calm and reassuring tone that demanded no nonessential.

"You mean a shrink?....... Some egg head that is going to use psycho babel about why I should be sniffing roses while I take those fucking happy pills you and Banner are cooking up!" Bucky sneered as he shook his head.  
"As someone trained in the delicate art of psycho babel and has worked through my own shit,......I can promise you this guy is not gonna be talking about roses,...... He is gonna be real with you,..... Just like we are being real with you right now Barns!" Sam spoke with a stern look and took another step forward.

"Your head is a mess right now, you said so yourself...... you need some space,... Time to be alone, we get it...... but that doesn't change the fact that you need help sorting through all the bullshit Hydra dumped on you." Sam took another step forward his voice taking on a quiet and sincere tone as he waited for Bucky to meet his knowing gaze.   
"And the truth is some of the shit you are going through is stuff you might not want any of us to know about,…..” Sam paused with a compassionate look as Bucky blinked, and took in a sharp breath as he remembered the incident in the bathroom and his confession of Rumlow’s sick idea of fun with Asset. Bucky’s shocked realization quickly crumbled and he squeezed his eyes shut and turned away in humiliation, covering his faced with his flesh hand, mental fingers splintering the wood of the door frame.   
It was painfully obvious what Bucky had just remembered, and the others suspected there were likely more heinous memories of similar trauma that would surly hit the Sargent just as hard and further hammer his already shattered pride.   
Steve took a step forward but Bucky shifted further back and shook his head as he gritted his teeth and ran his hand through his hair, blinking back tears as he stared with a resentful scowl off to the side, his embarrassment and shame once more giving way to anger that he knew should not be directed at his friends.

“…And that is where a therapist comes in man. He is not your friend, not someone who you love and care about, just a professional voice of reason that can help you gain some perspective." Sam offered with a nod, waiting for Bucky to take a calming breath before he hesitantly glanced in their direction, expression guarded, a thin mask of subdued anger over a whirlwind of pain, anxiety and depression.

Bucky watched the VA counselor with a pensive frown, taking a few more deep breaths and releasing his grip on the door frame before he again looked away in thought, swallowing back his instinct to outright refuse. Despite Bucky's desire to swallow down all the toxic garbage that Hydra left him with, he also acknowledged a burning need to get it all out of him, to scream and cry and rant and rave and break things, as if he hadn't been doing just that. He begrudgingly considered that perhaps talking about it might actually provide some relief from the boiling rage and desperate sorrow that seemed to consume him body and soul.

"And the pills?" Bucky gritted out as he looked out the window with a huff shaking his head, wiping his eyes free of moisture.

"I am guessing you must have heard Sam and I talking yesterday when we assumed you were still sedated." Banner sigh as he wiped his glasses before leveling an honest look at Bucky who was glared back at him but with guarded uncertainty not anger.   
"Your biochemistry is different from everyone Sargent Barnes, including Steve's, but even your brain patterns are going to need some help after so many years of chemical manipulation. You have every reason to be depressed and have anxiety, but in order to help you take back control of your mental health, you are going to need some help rewiring those thought patterns and psychopharmacology along with therapy is going to be your best chance at taking back that control and feeling better.... Feeling like yourself again." Bruce surmised and offered a small smile.  
Bucky considered the doctor for a long moment, someone he trusted despite his reluctance. He looked back at Sam and then to Steve's hopeful but worried expression before sighing and looking away again, knowing that his friend, his friends, only wanted to help him, even if he felt smothered by their prescience and desperate to escape.

Bucky shifted his stance as he gripped his bag tight and looked out the widow as he considered the terms of the arrangement. In truth he didn't really have a plan of where to go and had no money or transportation. He knew he had the skills to survive but the point of leaving wasn't to fall back on those survival skills but instead learn how to live again. He had also dreaded leaving the tower and interacting with more people and this option gave him both privacy and convenience. His mind wondered for a moment as he bit his lip, eyes blinking as a memory struck him.

"My dad took us fishing once........." He turned and looked at Steve with a bemused smile, tension lessening as he gave a small chuckle. 

" Steve caught a fish that weighed more then he did but wouldn't let go or hand over the rod and got pulled right out of the boat. Had to dive in after him cuze the stubborn punk couldn't swim." Bucky smirked and Steve offered his own quiet laugh, tension rolling out of his stance as he shook his head.

"Still caught that monster fish through,...... Don’t remember you complaining that night when yer pa cooked it over the fire,......told me it was the best fish you ever tasted!" Steve teased back and Bucky shook his head with a fond smile. Steve looked at his best friend with an open and hopeful expression.

"What do you say pal?..... Wanna spend some time on the lake?" Steve couldn’t hide the hint of worry in his voice and Bucky looked away with a sigh, fidgeting with the bag over his shoulder. After another moment he swallowed and nodded, turning back to face the Avengers with a resolute and determined expression.

"Yea,....okay,.....just no surprise visits alright?.....And SHEILD can't know!" The others nodded and Bucky sighed, feeling a tightness in his chest become a little looser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Just a few more to go ya’ll. Trying to write Bucky as a man who is just coming to terms with what he has been through and how that would impact his sense of self-worth and pride.


	15. My Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Bucky is Depressed, Clinically, completely and totally Depressed.

The first week was hard for both Steve and Bucky who seemed to take turns reaching out with mixed results. Bucky would be abrupt and surly, avoiding eye contact on their video chats and offering only short, one word answers before clamming he was tired and didn’t want to talk anymore. But after a few days Steve got a call at 3:48 in the morning from a softly choked voice that asked him to sing the Irish lullaby. Steve did automatically, resisting the urge to ask what was wrong and insist on come there in person. After several minutes, he could hear Bucky’s breaths evening out and then finally a mumbled apology followed by an immediate hang up. Steve wanted to call back and he even stood up and opened his draws to get dressed and head over there but stopped himself and sighed. Bucky needed space and Steve had to respect that.  
Three days later Steve was at the front door of the cabin with arms full of groceries waiting for Bucky to welcome him in. It was after 2pm and Steve had not received a reply to his text about what Bucky wanted from the store until after noon. * I don’t know, just get whatever,* followed by, * You don’t have to come today, I don’t need anything. I am fine. * Steve ignored him and just picked out what he thought Bucky might like, food that was easy to prepare if he wasn’t up for cooking. After another knock on the door Steve put the groceries down as he fished out his own key and was about to unlock it when he heard the bolt twist and the door opened. Bucky opened it a crack, one blue eye, taking in Steve as he blinked and then opened the door. Steve felt his jaw set against a frown as he looked at Bucky’s disheveled appearance, hair un kept and a weeks’ worth of facial hair. He was wearing the same sweets and navy blue shit Steve had seen him in two days before on the video chat. Bucky met Steve’s eyes for a moment then looked away.  
‘”Hey Buck.” Steve said softly after another moment of silence.  
“Hey.” He replied as he looked over at the bag of groceries. “Thanks,…… I can bring them in,……. I don’t really feel like having company right now.” Bucky’s voice was horse and his tone flat. Steve looked at his friend and let out a breath.  
“I won’t stay long Buck,….. and you don’t have to talk to me,….. but I am going to cook you dinner and you are going to take a shower and clean up.” Steve stated as a matter of fact before grabbing both bags and walking past Bucky and into the large cabin. Steve had seen it when they had dropped Bucky off a week before, and was concerned when he saw how dark it seemed. Bucky had drawn the curtains over the large windows that faced the lake and had pushed the furniture to reinforce all the doors in case of an attack. The Kitchen looked unused and most of the food was untouched. Steve sighed after he set the bags down and turned back toward his friend.  
“Bucky,….” He began but was cut off by a bark and flash of anger.  
“Just don’t Steve,……….” Bucky turned away and slammed the front door shut, locking it before he stomped toward his room. “I am taking a shower.” He spat as he slammed that door too. Steve sighed and walked over toward the windows, opening the curtains and the sliding glass doors to let some light and fresh air into the house. He then went about preparing roast chicken and decided he would just go ahead and cook multiple meals and put them in containers.   
“Jarvis?” Steve asked in a soft tone.  
-Yes Captain Rogers?-  
“How often has Bucky been eating?” Steve stared at the food in the fridge with a deep frown.  
-Sargent Barns has had an irregular appetite and has become sick after some of his meals. However, his weight loss has not become unhealthy as of yet. I have instructions to inform Dr. Banner if his behavior causes him any self-harm.-  
Steve nodded to himself and began the task of cooking up some premade meals.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..  
Bucky stood under the blazing heat of the shower, letting the constant spray beat against his tense shoulders and back. For endless days he had been dealing with a whirl wind of emotions that would bring him to his knees sobbing one moment before leaving him drained and completely numb the next. Now however he could feel his humiliation and despair give way to the frustration that he could not hid his embarrassment and shame from his oldest friend. After finally breaking free from the programed mindset of Hydra’s asset, Bucky had been struggling against the overwhelming and often debilitating weight of self-actualization. This internal agony and constant self-loathing was now blossoming into anger and resentment toward Steve.  
The week had been terrible for certain but he had not been violent or destructively angery, just hopelessly depressed. He lacked the energy to do much of anything but his lethargy was in contrast to his racing mind that seemed to never let him rest for more than a few precious hours at a time, always ending with a nightmare. He would likely not even find the will power to force himself to eat and take his medication daily if Jarvis had not informed him that the Avengers would be contacted if his weight decreased too drastically and if he wasn’t taking his medication. The first three video sessions with the Therapist was painful and he could scarcely meet the man’s eyes or offer any meaningful dialog.  
With a deflated breath and a groan, he reluctantly turned off the water and stepped out wrapping a towel around his waist. He stood in front of the mirror staring at his slowly remerging face as the stem gradually lessen, his hands clenching the porcelain sink. He didn’t want to deal with Steve right now. He was too exhausted to pretend to be fine but the fragile remanence of his pride demanded he not act like the pathetic, sobbing mess he had become. He clenched his jaw as he glared at his reflection, bitter and ashamed of the wreckage of a man staring back at him. He stayed their lost in his own mind, trapped in the cycle of demoralizing thoughts of guilt and shame, anger and despair until the fog was gone, the bathroom cool and Steve was knocking at the door.  
“Buck,……. Will you come out now,…. Please?’” Steve’s voice sounded firm but not an order, just a promise he wouldn’t stop knocking until he did. With a sigh and a shake of his head, blinking his unfocused gaze clear he turned away from the reflection of the Winter Soldier and opened the door, shuddering violently at the strong gust of cool air. He didn’t look up at Steve but wrapped his arms around himself and shivered. The Captain looked upon his friend with deep concern and stifled his impulse to pull him in to a hug or wrap him in the warm shield blanket he had been so fond of.   
“Dinner will be in an hour, I made some soup and bread to start with though. Thinking about starting a fire if you don’t mind.” Steve spoke with a calm, casual tone that thinly vailed his deep concern and desire to care for his troubled and brooding friend. Bucky appreciated the effort despite the obvious overture. He nodded simply, keeping his eyes off to the side as he hurried to his bed room to change into warm cloths, holding on to the numb, complacency he had managed to recognize was a learned behavior from Hydra’s conditioning. He hated what they had done to him and what he had become, but part of him was relieved that he could still tap into such a level of emotional detachedness and distance.  
When he reemerged from the room in clean sweats, socks and a navy blue hoodie, his hair was towel dry and haphazard over his face, hiding an exhausted expression. Steve was standing by the stone fire place, eyes fix on the flames with his own far away stare, jaw tight and arms crossed over his chest. Bucky observed him for a moment then walked closer, his own gaze locked on the licking flames. After only a moment of watching the lights dance and embers glow he felt a sudden rush of a memory bombard his mind and grip his chest, sucking the breath out of him as a long distant echo of whispered singing rang in his ears with the crackling fire. Bucky blinked as his mouth began to form the words almost instinctually, his soft voice sounding broken and rough. Steve turned and looked up at his friend who stood a few feet back with his eyes glued to the fire, large and lost in memory.  
“ A mi, entends-tu Le vol noir des corbeaux Sur nos plaines? Ami, entends-tu Les cris sourds du pays Qu'on enchaîne? Ohé! partisans, Ouvriers et paysans, C'est l'alarme! Ce soir l'ennemi Connaîtra le prix du sang Et des larmes! Montez de la mine, Descendez des collines, Camarades! Sortez de la paille Les fusils, la mitraille, Les grenades... “  
Bucky was mumbling the French words but knew the melody without question, taking small steps toward the fire place as if drawn it and the memory he was reliving. Steve watched him with silent contemplation as he too recognized the song, taught to them by their fellow Howling Commando Jacques Dernier late at night around the fire after long missions against Hydra in the cold woods of the Austrian forest. It was the song of the French resistance and he had sung it after missions that seemed particularly harsh, when moral was low and each man was quite in their own thoughts.   
“Ohé! les tueurs, A la balle et au couteau, Tuez vite! Ohé! saboteur, Attention à ton fardeau: Dynamite! C'est nous qui brisons Les barreaux des prisons Pour nos frères, La haine à nos trousses Et la faim qui nous pousse, La misère... Il y a des pays Ou les gens au creux de lits Font des rêves; Ici, nous, vois-tu, Nous on marche et nous on tue, Nous on crève. Ici chacun sait Ce qu'il veut, ce qui'il fait Quand il passe... Ami, si tu tombes Un ami sort de l'ombre A ta place. Demain du sang noir Séchera au grand soleil Sur les routes. Sifflez, compagnons, Dans la nuit la Liberté Nous écoute...”  
Bucky’s voice trailed off as he blinked rapidly and sucked in a shuddered breath, Steve reaching out to rest a hand on his trembling shoulder. He shifted his gaze up to Steve’s, mouth in a thin line and eyes troubled as he swallowed down so many feelings he could hardly recognize as his own. Steve offered him a small smile and nod, as if understanding the impact of the memory and the weight it carried with it.  
“Haven’t heard that song in a long time.” Steve whispered as he squeezed Bucky’s shoulder then looked back at the fire.  
“Do you miss them?” Bucky asked hoarsely, his own eyes trained back onto the fire. Steve nodded and sighed as he moved his hand to wrap it easily around Bucky’s shoulder just as they had always done before their worlds had turned upside down.  
“Yhea,…… I miss them every day. It was worse at first………. I felt lost,……. Like no one knew me and I was just some stranger trying to fit into this world I didn’t recognize…… But now,….. The Avengers have helped me feel more connected,….. less lonely….. And I have you back Bucky. “ He turned and looked at his friend who slowly brought his gaze back up toward the genuine and heartfelt admiration that shown bright in Steve’s eyes. “I am lucky,…. And so thankful to have you back………. Never forget that pal!” Steve sighed as he pulled Bucky into the hug he had been resisting since he arrived a few hours earlier. Bucky didn’t fight it and instead let him self rest against Steve, face turned back toward the fire as he swallowed back his own loneliness and sorrow for a life lost, comforted by the only person that truly knew him as the man he had always been and not the mess that was left over now. If Steve could see him as Sargent James Buchannan Barnes and not Hydra’s Asset, then maybe one day he could see himself that way again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English Translation:
> 
> My friend, do you hear the dark flight of the crows over our plains?  
> My friend, do you hear the dulled cries of our countries in chains?
> 
> Oh, friends, do you hear, workers, farmers, in your ears alarm bells ringing?  
> Tonight all our tears will be turned to tongues of flame in our blood singing!
> 
> Climb up from the mine, out from hiding in the pines, all you comrades,  
> Take out from the hay all your guns, your munitions and your grenades;
> 
> Hey you, assassins, with your bullets and your knives, kill tonight!  
> Hey you, saboteurs, be careful with your burden, dynamite!
> 
> We are the ones who break the jail bars in two for our brothers,  
> hunger drives, hate pursues, misery binds us to one another.
> 
> There are countries where people sleep without a care and lie dreaming.  
> But here, do you see, we march on, we kill on, we die screaming.
> 
> But here, each one knows what he wants, what he does with his choice;  
> My friend, if you fall, from the shadows on the wall, another steps into your place.
> 
> Tomorrow, black blood shall dry out in the sunlight on the streets.  
> But sing, companions, freedom hears us in the night still so sweet.
> 
> My friend, do you hear the dark flight of the crows over our plains?  
> My friend, do you hear the dulled cries of our countries in chains?
> 
>  
> 
> Authors note: Just one more Chapter to go ,……


	16. Time to come Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: This is it folks…… This is how the story ends……

As the weeks past Steve was relieved to see Bucky slowly becoming less depressed and more motivated toward his recovery. He was taking his medication and had been having regular video sessions with his doctor who proved to be easier to talk with then Bucky wanted to admit at first. The guilt and shame were still a constant battle but he was coping, going on runs and spending time sitting on the pier that over looked the lake as he did his therapeutic home work of self-reflection, challenging his negative and self-defeating thoughts. The nightmares had been keeping him on edge with anxiety and unable to sleep but he had resisted taking his nightly medication for fear that an attack would come at night and he would not be alert and ready because of the sedative. However, after processing this fear with his Therapist and several perimeter checks and security tests, Bucky finally agreed to take his specially enhanced, time released Prazosin and was finally able to sleep mostly through the night.  
There were still days when he was moody and had no interest in socializing during the video check ins but he was no longer resistant to Steve’s weekly visits and actually had lunch prepared at the end of the fourth weekend. They had spent the afternoon reminiscing about the good old days as they played poker out on the deck, enjoying the warmth of the spring air until the chill of the setting sun had settled over them. As they sat just inside of the lake house drinking beers and watching the sun set through the large glass windows, Steve looked over at Bucky for the third time in two minutes, about to speak before looking away and taking another swig of his beer. Bucky sighed and shook his head, keeping his eyes on the sunsets reflection off the water.

“What?” Bucky smirked as he waited for Steve to stop biting his tongue and just say whatever was on his mind.

“What?” Steve parroted back and Bucky rolled his eyes and gave him a playful shove.

“What is it your so damn busy not saying Rogers?” Bucky snickered still looking straight ahead, aware that he didn’t have the strength to deal with Steve’s too honest and sincere expression. The Captain let out a sigh as he stared pointedly at Bucky’s profile, gaze thoughtful before looking back out at the water, quietly acknowledging to himself that Bucky couldn’t look at him right then and holding back his thoughts was only putting his friend on edge after a fairly relaxing afternoon.

“You have been feeling better right Buck?..... I mean the medication and therapy seems like it’s helping.” Steve offered and Bucky shot him a side glance before he nodded cautiously, eyes back out to the horizon.

“It’s been a month since you came here,….. and,……..it’s……. God its just so good to have you back ya know!” Steve sighed again as he shook his head, now taking his turn to avoid his friend’s eyes that were watching him with apprehension. Steve swallowed as he turned back toward Bucky who immediately looked away out the window blinking back the threat of emotions, expression guarded as he listened to Steve’s words. 

“It was hard Buck,… so damn hard watching you break through all that Hydra bullshit,…..seeing you struggle and fight against the Winter Soldier’s programing…..”

Steve’s expression became soft as he watched Bucky’s body hunch slightly, mouth in a pout as his eyes looked distantly out the window, obviously not wanting to talk about any of it but too tired to get upset and tell Steve to shut up. The Captain tried to offer a small, comforting smile as he reached out and placed a hand on Bucky’s metal shoulder.

“But now your back,… your you again and,…..” Steve sighed as Bucky slowly looked up at him with uncertainty and a pensive frown.

“I miss you Bucky!......... I want you to come home,……. I want you to be part of the Avengers,…… I know its selfish but I…….” Steve’s confession was cut off by a small, plaintive voice, Bucky’s shoulders drawn in as he looked away again shaking his head then down at the floor.

“Steve,……. I can’t,……” Bucky muttered before he set his beer down and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees and face in his hands. He let out a few deep breaths before he shook his head and continued to mumble, hands becoming fits in his lap. 

“…..I know I seem better,……and maybe I’m getting there,….. I don’t want to swallow a bullet now every time I look myself in the mirror,,,,,” Bucky gestured flippantly toward the bathroom and his words sent a spike of panic through the Captain as he sat up ridged. 

“But I am still barely keeping it together here pal,…… I can’t……..God Stevie I am a fucking mess!” Bucky exhaled as he ran his hands through his hair and gritted his teeth, squeezing his eyes tight against his turmoil of emotions. In truth, he had been lonely and had spent countless moments staring at his phone and resisting the urge to just call Steve and ask him to come get him. It was his embarrassment and slowly healing sense of pride and dignity that prevented him from calling and begging for his friend to come save him from himself. 

“That’s okay Buck,……it’s okay to be a mess,….. everyone is a mess,……. They just have a lot of practice covering it up.” Steve promised as he offered a small hopeful smile as he rubbed his friends back. Bucky peered up at him from his crouched position and then snorted as he shook his head with a bitter smile and discouraged eyes.

“Yea,….. well I am gonna need a lot more practice Steve,……..” Bucky swallowed as he sat up slightly, still hunched over and flexing his metal hand in pensive thought.

“Sometimes,…….. sometimes I wake up,……. And I don’t know where I am,……or even who……but I know I have to lay still,… and wait for a handler to come get me,…… I know that if I move without permission…….” Bucky swallowed again and grabbed his beer slamming it back as he wished for the burn of whiskey instead, his favorite way to chase away the fear that churned in his stomach during the war, after his first time as a lab rat for Hydra. Steve watched him with his own grimace as he kept a firm hand on his friend’ss back as Bucky stared at the empty bottle with a trembling pout and intense eyes.  
“And then,…….. sometimes,……” He offered a small choked laugh. “Sometimes I wake up,…… and I forgot all of this…….” He looked down at his arm in disgust. “…All the shit that happened,….. what they did to me,….. what I did to all those people,……even the war,…..” He chuckled to himself as he looked up at Steve with wet, sad eyes as he shook his head over and thin smile. “I wake up thinking I’m back in Brooklyn, hugging the sheets cuze I don’t wanna get my lazy ass up and go work down at the docs.” Bucky bit his lip as he rubbed his eyes with his flesh hand before looking again at the metal fist. “This is what reminds me,….. The first thing I see that brings everything rushing back,…… and it feels like getting hit by a truck,…… hurts to breath,……” He let out a quivered breath and dropped his hand into his lap as he stared once more out at the now evening sky.  
“It’s better waking up as the Asset,….. it takes longer to come back to reality but,……. There’s relief once I do….. instead of disappointment,…and hatred.” Bucky’s words were barely above a whisper and he didn’t resist when Steve moved closer wrapping his arm around him and pressing his forehead to Bucky’s temple.  
“It’ll get easier Buck,…… just takes some time,…….” Steve offered in his own gentle confidence. Bucky smirked and nodded before pulling back and meeting Steve’s eyes full on, the emotion raw but contained.  
“I know Stevie,…… that’s why I gotta stay here,….. I need more time,…..I wish I was better,….. I wish I was ready to back you up in the field but I…….” Bucky’s voice faltered and he swallowed back his grief, dropping his eyes as Steve shook his head and placed a hand on the side of his brother’s face.  
“No,……. Bucky I’m sorry,…… I shouldn’t be putting that pressure on you,….. I am just being selfish and a stupid Jerk.” Steve chastised himself as he shook his head again and looked away, dropping his hand and frowning in irritation with himself. Bucky smirked and reached out ruffling the Captain’s hair as if he were still just a scrawny kid.  
“Nah,…..I’m the stupid Jerk remember,…. And you’re the self-righteous punk!” Bucky raised an eyebrow with a twist of a smile and Steve offered his own small chuckle.  
“I remember,….I remember.” The Captain sighed nodding as they shared a knowing look, one that said more than words and promised to be there through thick and thin, no matter how long it took and where ever the road to recover took them.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
It was 9 months, thirteen days, 9 hours and 42 minutes since Hydra’s Winter Soldier failed his mission, rescued his target from drowning and then went AWOL, defecting from his creators after a glitch in his programing. It was 8 months, 21 days, 5 hours and 16 minutes since Hydra’s prized Asset stared at a picture of his own face in the Smithsonian and read a name he didn’t remember, Sargent James Buchanan Barnes. It was 8 months, 14 days, 2 hours and 19 minutes since Hydra was attacked for the first time by their very own highly trained weapon who showed no mercy for his former owners. It was 6 months, 2 days, 9 hours and 36 minutes since Hydra understood that their Soldier needed his medicine to survive, that his body and mind had become dependent on the chemical cocktail or he would go through withdrawal. The Asset knew this too. That was his weakness. That was how they would get their weapon back.  
There was interference.   
It was 3 months 17 days, and 34 minutes since SHEILD had detained their Asset.   
It was time for him to come home…

-Sargent Barnes, there is an immediate security threat advancing toward your…….-  
Bucky’s eyes cracked open as his sleep filled mind struggled to orientate and understand the words Jarvis had spoken before the AI was abruptly cut off. He blinked trying to focus his gaze as his sluggish mind fought against the sedative effects of his nightly medication. The overhead fan was slowing down and as he rolled his head to the side and saw his alarm clock was blank. The power had been cut. Bucky took in a sharp breath as panic shot through his disoriented mind. He pushed himself up and looked down at his metal hand, taking a moment to focus on who, when and where he was. There was a vibration sound, strange and surreal. Bucky looked over at the pillow and sheets with a muddled sense of urgency as he began moving the bedding to locate the source of the vibration. His hand landed on his phone and he blinked again as he focused on the device, realizing he had to answer it. With a chocked gasp, he answered it and held it to his ear, voice scratchy and unsure.

“Hello?” He asked quietly as he slowly began to wake up, actively struggling against the effects of his sleep medication that he took later in the night then he should have. It was 5:17 in the morning and he had to wake up, he had to figure out what was going on.

“BUCKY!?” Steve’s voice sounded like a question and a demand all at one, his tone urgent. Bucky swallowed thickly and struggled to coordinate his sluggish limbs, fighting to free himself from the bed as he responded.

“Steve,….the power is out.” He stated with obvious concern just as he saw some bright head lights flash through the curtains and he felt his gut clench. “Someone’s here.” His voice echoed with fear before he felt his metal fist clench and despite the sedative, his adrenalin spiked.

“Buck, Jarvis said there are 8 black hummers heading toward you. We’re on our way but you got to get out of there! Tony said there is a hidden trap door under the carpet in the office under the desk. There is a tunnel that takes you out to the main road!” Steve was obviously running as he spoke, no doubt heading for the hanger at the tower. Bucky was already heading for the office, crouching low as the dark cabin had become flooded with light from all the surrounding cars. He could hear men shouting orders and car doors slamming as suddenly a sonic cannon was fired and all the bullet proof glass windows shattered at once. The Sound was deafening and brought Bucky to his knees with a guttural cry of pain as he dropped the phone and covered his ears. The moment the blast stopped Bucky was on his feet and scrambling as he grabbed the phone pressing it to his ringing ear, moving toward the office with bare feet on broken glass, wearing only plaid pajama pants.  
“Steve?” Bucky gasped out but, his ears where ringing and he knew he couldn’t hear a reply. “There here!,…… They……” He dropped the phone and cried out in agony as the first Hydra Soldier advanced through the shattered glass with a specialized gun that shot out an electronic freeze dart that landed in the back of Bucky’s metal bicep. He dove through the office door. And used his flesh hand to slam it shut and lock it before racing toward the large mahogany desk in the middle of the room. His metal arm was locked in a bent position, fingers open as an intensely painful electric current circled through his prosthetic and sent a sharp burning sensation through his entire nervous system. He tried to ignore the pain and push the heavy desk out of the way with his flesh arm, but the office like the rest of the lake house had large windows and a sliding glass door that lead out to the deck. There were Hydra Soldiers advancing, guns targeted and Bucky ducked behind the desk just as a spray of tranquilizers sailed toward him. With a huff of irritation and a grimace from the almost debilitating pain from his metal arm, Bucky let his mind shift into Winter Soldier mode, his panic and fear buried down as tactical necessity took over. He reached under the desk where he had duck tapped three sharp kitchen knives, briefly smirking as he remembered Steve telling him just two weeks before that he didn’t need to hid knives around the lake house. With a steading breath, he squatted on his bloody feet, already cut and punctured by the broken glass. It was time to fight back, time to show Hydra once and for all that even if he would always be the Winter Soldier, he was also Sargent James Buchannan Barns, and he was his own Asset, not theirs.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Steve was running barefoot in sweats and no shirt with his shield toward the quinjet where Tony was already in his suite. The Captain had a look of panic on his face as he yelled into his phone his friends name over and over after hearing Bucky’s anguished cry just after a large explosion and his gasp that the attackers were already there. Clint and Natasha were right behind him also in sleep wear, knowing that the Avengers each had a set of their own combat gear and weapons already on board the jet for just such a reason.  
“Tony!...... They’re already in the house,…..He’s hurt!” Steve yelled as he raced toward Ironman who was using his repulsors to lift off the ground.   
“Take the jet,…. I’ll meet you there!” Tony saluted and instantly took to the sky heading toward the lake house at his top speed and asking Jarvis for updates.  
Steve had not slowed down as he bounded up the ramp and strait for the cock pit that was already on with the destination locked in auto pilot.  
Captain Rogers, Sir, we will lift off as soon as the other Avengers are on board, I suggest you change into your combat uniform.  
Steve’s adrenalin was running high, panic sending shivers of dread up his spin. He jerked away from the cock pit toward his storage bit as he hastily changed, The Black Widow and Hawk Eye doing the same. The Falcon, followed by Doctor Banner were there only a few minutes later and instantly the ramp lifted and the quinjet was air born, heading at top speed toward upstate New York.  
“JARVIS, status update!” Steve demanded as he hastily change into his uniform, the others doing the same and arming themselves.  
Sir, my ability to monitor the Lake House has been aborted due to a disruption in power that has prevented the back up generators from coming online. There were 8 black Hummers that appeared to be transporting several armed assailants toward the property and they used some form of electrical weaponry to short circuit the security perimeter.  
“Did he make it out?” Clint asked as he grabbed his cross bow. Steve shook his head with a tense frown as he pulled on his mask.  
“I don’t know,…. He yelled and then the phone went dead…….. were going in blind on this one.” Steve gritted and the others nodded in understanding, sharing a sense of dread as they silently prepared for battle  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
As Ironman approached the wooded land surrounding his lake house he only had a moment of warning from Jarvis before he was hit by a sonic cannon that completely disrupted his suites ability to operate and he found himself falling fast toward the ground. With quick thinking help from his AI, he was able to get his thrusters online moments before he would have hit the ground hard. Regardless of his miraculous ingenuity, he was instantly under attack as three new Hummers came up the rode and surrounded him using an array of weaponry that had Tony scrambling to evade the attack while rebooting his suite, all the while cursing up a storm and yelling into his com at the other Avengers that he was in an ambush.  
It took only 10 minutes of strategic maneuvering and brilliance for Ironman to completely neutralize the onslaught and he made quick work of rounding up the assailants, using magnetic cuffs to immobilize them. He was back up in the air heading the last short distance to the lake house right as the quinjet was appearing over the horizon, landing in a clearing next to the drive way full of black armored vehicles. The ramp was open and Captain America bounded out in rapid speed with the others right behind him. Tony had his scanner on and was attempting to locate Barns and any active combatants, but for all the adrenalin and energy the scene was completely silent, in a way that felt suffocating.  
“TONEY?!” Steve’s voice broke through the unnatural silence as he stopped next to Iron man looking franticly from the abandoned vehicles to the dark house that looked as if it had been struck by a tornado, shattered windows and debris everywhere.  
“I have 65 heat signatures inside and surrounding the property, and one with traces of vibranium.” Bucky’s Arm had unique properties that where easily discerned from the other metal structures and weaponry, making tracking him a great deal easier.  
“Any active combatants?” Hawkeye asked with his bow up and ready.  
“Looks like they are stagnant but might still be armed.” Tony offered and Steve nodded as he head toward the house, shield up and eyes alert.  
“Lets spread out, report back when we have eyes on Bucky!” The Captain ordered as he was instantly through the broken threshold.   
All around the perimeter and inside the house were bodies of Hydra agents in various states of injury or death. Many appeared to have had their throats slit or shot neatly between the eyes and the seen was graphicly disturbing, accented with the smell of blood and tear gas. The Captains eyes watered and his throat felt tight as he hastily checked each room calling Bucky by name. On occasion, he would find an injured Hydra agent crawling toward a gun and in the bed room one manage to throw a grenade at him which he blocked with his shield but was still sent flying backward.  
“Steve,….. He’s on the dock.” The Captain heard Sam’s voice over the ringing in his ears as he quickly got to his feet and dealt with the Hydra agent directly before racing out of the house and down to the dock. The other Avengers were converging there from different areas around the property and The Widow was walking with soft careful foot steps toward the hunched figure of the Winter Soldier who was sitting at the end of the peer looking out at the still, calm water. There were at least six bodies along the 90 ft peer and Natasha was delicately stepping over them as she made note of the bloody foot prints. She carefully approached the man who was sitting curled over at the end of the long wooden dock, legs dangling off the edge. From the shore line Steve felt his chest clench and he wanted to immediately rush forward to his likely injured friend but felt Sam grab his shoulder, giving him a look that said, *We don’t know where his heads at, let her bring him back.*  
As Natasha approached with soft but purposely audible footsteps, she called to him with a calm, soothing voice, ready to doge or jump if he attacked her, uncertain if the intense combat had triggered him to become the Winter Soldier again but based on the lethal carnage, she could speculate.  
“Sargent Barnes?.......... Can you hear me?” Natasha asked as she slowed her pace, stopping about 10 feet behind him. She could see that his back had a few bleeding wounds and his flesh shoulder blade had a very ugly chemical burn that crept up his neck and down his bicep. His metal arm was bent awkwardly and ridged, a faint buzzing sound coming from it with a static pop and sizzle that sent a visible shock through him. He sat up slightly after the shock, his body shaking slightly from the effort as he peered over his right shoulder at the red head behind him. His flesh hand was covered in blood as he pulled a cigarette from his lips with a deep exhale.  
“Took you long enough,……. Missed out on all the fun!” He chuckled but then grimaced in obvious pain, his face streaked in blood like the rest of his battered form. Instantly Natasha let out a sigh of relief and closed distance, crouching down to assess his multiple injuries and state of mind. Her frown lifted to a small smirk when she met his eyes as he cocked an eye brow at her worried expression. He took another drag of the cigarette, flesh hand shaking as he smirked.  
“Ain’t nothing a few stitches and a bottle of whiskey can’t fix Doll,….I’ll be up and doing backflips in no time.” He offered with a grin but his eyes shown bright with pain and Natasha could tell he was still coming down from his adrenalin rush.  
“Good to know, but how about for now we just get you on your feet so the Doc can patch you up?” Natasha smiled back and jerked her head toward the others. Barns looked over at them then down at his feet that were dangling over the edge, blood dripping into the water from the glass shards that had cut deep, some still embedded in his soles.  
“I’m not too keen on walking Sweet heart, feeling a little worse for ware.” He tried to smile again but he swallowed down another wave of agony as the buzzing in his arm again sizzled audibly. Natasha looked from his bloody feet up to his arm with an intensely focused expression as she leaned behind him to examined the arm. “And this electric dart thing is kinda killing me right now….” He gritted out between clenched teeth, eyes squeezing tight before he let out a quivering breath. “Maybe the guys could come this way,…… sunrise in coming soon and it’s been a routine,….. wouldn’t want to miss this one,… not after the night I had.” He smirked again but it was a strained grimace, eyes glassed over and skin flushed from the constant electrical current sending searing hot flames through his nervous system. Natasha gave a single nod and stood up taping her ear com as she pointedly looked back at the others standing on shore.  
“Barns needs immediate medical attention, Stark he’s got an an electrical dart jamming his arm.” She spoke with urgency and then knelt back down as the other Avengers wasted no time to head that way. Steve and Stark both arrived simultaneously running and flying, the others right behind them. Instantly Steve crouched next to Natasha on Bucky’s right, eyes wide and mouth gaping as he took in the badly battered form of his brother in arms. Bucky offered Steve a small grimace and nod as Tony knelt by his left side and instantly used a set of reinforced, rubberized set of pliers to remove the dart.  
“Ahhhggggghhhh,……..God,…….That thing was the pitts,….fuck……” Bucky sighed loudly as his body shook with relief from the excruciating pain, his metal arm falling limp at his side before the rest of him collapsed backwards. His injured back almost landing on the hard deck before Steve could catch him, cradling his head and careful of his multiple burns and lacerations.  
“Bucky!” Steve exclaimed as Banner stepped forward hastily with his first aid kit ready, laying down a padded mat under his patient.  
“Shit,……That fucking electric thing was all I could really feel before,…… Damn, I’m pretty banged up,… huh Stevie?” Bucky tried to smile but as his adrenalin faded his pain became stronger as well as his fatigue and he shook, eyes wet and blurred as he looked up at the distraught face of his best friend who was holding him gently, trying to avoid aggravating any of his numerous injuries. Bucky offered a grin as a few tears escaped his own eyes, blinking as he focused on Steve’s familiar face.  
“Aw,… common Stevie,……don’t look at me like that kid,……. That mug of yours makes me think I’m a gonner!...... You know I’m gonna be fine!” Bucky’s words were becoming slurred and he wheezed as the Captain very carefully lowered him onto his back on the medical mat.  
“Course you are Jerk,…….Too damn stubborn to give up or go out like this!...... God Buck!” Steve tried to offer playful banter but his words were choked as he sighed sitting back heavily next to Natasha as he stared down at Bucky who lay shaking and wheezing on the mat, face locked in a tight smile but eyes dilated in pain. There were more areas of his torso and arms covered in bloody gashes and burns then not and his Pajama paints were ripped in some places and melted with his skin from whatever chemical they had used to burn him.  
“Sargent Barns I am going to inject you with a very powerful pain killer and sedative,…..” Bruce spoke as he prepped his needle, Sam and Clint standing nearby with expressions of concern. Hawkeye looked at Bucky shaking his head then back at the numerous dead or incapacitated Hydra agents with a whistle of admiration and bewilderment.  
“Damn Barnes,….. remind me never to piss you off!” Clint smirked as he walked into Bucky’s view with a nod of respect. Bucky huffed a bark of a laugh as he stared up at Clint, blue eyes glistening between bloody streaks and strains of hair.  
“And that was one handed!........Bastards didn’t have a chance!” Bucky grinned before he looked up at Bruce and caught his hand before he could inject the painkiller. “Wait a sec Doc,….. what time is it?” Bucky slurred, blinking to focus, face twisted in pain.  
“It’s just past 6.” Sam offered, eyes watching Bucky intently as he shared a concerned glance with Steve,  
“Perfect,……..Sunrise,…… sunrise is…… 6:15,…….you,….. you guys gotta see it,……it’s….it’s really somethin’!” Bucky gritted out, his flesh hand loosening his grip and collapsing next to him as he let out a quivered sigh, eyes squeezing tight as he swallowed before opening them again, blinking away fresh tears.   
“Buck,…..we need to get you medical attention now,…..there will be more sunrises!....I promise pal!” Steve pleaded as he hovered over his friend with distress and worry plan on his face, hand carefully moving the strains of hair from his blood caked face. Bucky let out another painfilled wheeze and shook his head, more tears escaping his eyes but too beat to care.  
“This…. ones important… Steve,…… I beat them,…….. I won,…….. they came for me,…… I was so afraid,……So stuck on what would happen,…….. And,…… and I hated what they made me,…… hated the Winter Soldier so much,…… but…” Bucky let out slight grunt of pain as he struggled to sit up, Steve and Bruce instantly lending a helpful hand to assist him upright, Steve supporting his wait as best he could. “But they came for me,…..and I …let him… take over,……I let the Soldier take over,……. And I’m …… I’m still here,…… I’m still in control,…… I’m still Bucky!” He grinned beneath his tears as he looked up at Steve, hope and a sense of relief visible through the fog of pain and the Captain couldn’t help but smile back, his own eyes wet. He nodded in his understanding, realizing that Bucky felt like this was the start of his new life, that he had crossed some type of thresh hold and despite his injuries wanted to savor the moment and let it sink in. The others exchanged looks, sharing a comprehension as they looked from their injured friend and then up to the horizon as the dark sky gradually became lighter.  
As the sun rose over the horizon and the fist shards of light peeked through the pin trees reflecting off the water, Bucky let out a content sigh, resting his head against Steve’s shoulder, The Captains arm wrapped carefully around him.  
“I think,….. I think I can come home now Steve,………I’m ready to join your team,…… soon as I heal up!” Bucky chuckled low and his words were heavily slurred but the sentiment was clear. Steve smiled down at him with a sigh of his own and looked over at Banner and nodded for the doctor to give him the painkiller.  
“Yea Buck,…… it’s time you come home!” Steve agreed as Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut and his body went completely limp only a moment after the injection into his arm. The Avengers looked down at the man they had watched fight to reclaim himself for months, sharing a sense of relief, pride and compassion for the brave, determined and courageous Soldier who could finally join their team and family. Steve let out a quivering breath as he looked up at his friends with a grateful smile beneath wet eyes. He had Bucky back, and he had the Avengers. And together they could beat any odds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Alright that’s all folks!....Please let me know if you liked the story and if you are interested in reading more Hurt/Comfort with our two Favorite Super Soldiers and Avengers Family, then check out my other stories! Some are longer, two are connected and there are a few one shots. Much Love and Happy Zombie Jesus Day!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Okay yall, this is a long fic and completely written. I will post chapters as I edit them so you won’t have to wait too long. This is non- slash but HEAVY on the brotherly love and Team as Family dynamic! All mentions of Hydra abuse will be referenced and not too graphic. There will be one chapter with a warning on it through for reference to Hydra Trash party. But the hurt is only because I love the comfort so! Review if you like it because I love hearing your thoughts!


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